Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

I guess I'll start a new thread because I'm in a new place now of sorts while I'm also cycling back pretty frequently, at least it seems that way to me.

I need to work on detachment more than acceptance/forgiveness. I feel like that is my main problem.

But a more bothersome issue for me that I want to get everyone's perspective on is the fact that I feel like my life isn't real anymore. I don't know if I can explain this but here goes.

I have learned how to do everything I need to survive as far as do my job, care for my house and pets, be a good friend and daughter and sister, do my research, read, have fun, laugh, and even get along with my STBXH at a distance. But I also feel like none of that is "real." I feel like it's all going through motions. I feel outside myself, like I am watching myself do all these things, but I'm not "there."

What is real to me? The pain and hurt and anguish and the feeling of limbo. Not limbo that he's still "making his decision." He's not. MY limbo. Limbo that my life is a nightmare. It's a nightmare from which I cannot wake no matter how hard I try.

Did you ever get fixated on something before and it took over your thoughts almost 24-7? I'm sure you have. You had an appointment you dreaded, or you were worried about your kid, or you were bothered about the way some event turned out. You fixated on it. For awhile. But whether that fixation lasted for a week or a month, that was it. Eventually it was over (the fixation).

I feel like I am fixated on "trauma"--a general vague feeling of a mental picture of my H and just all of it wrapped into one word: trauma. And it has been this way for just over 7 months. And it shows NO SIGN of going away. And this feels more real to me than anything else.

It doesnt' matter how much I do or get involved in or distract myself. It won't go away. It feels like I'm losing my grip on reality because this seems more real to me than everything else. And as a result, I feel like I'm not living my life. I feel like I'm in a nightmare I cannot wake from no matter how hard I try.

Is this normal? I keep saying when does it ever end. It just won't end. I don't know how long I can take the feeling of watching myself walk through life.

Strangely enough, I feel I can't get detachment from the situation, yet I feel entirely detached from reality/myself.