They don't get it, until they get it

[AntoniaB]

This is a good topic. I understand every person on these forums who is in a place where they are trying to renegotiate a rel. with the WAS when the WAS is still with the OW but seeming to come out of it. I can see every reason why we'd want to do so emotionally. But my heart breaks every time I see that not working out too or even backfiring, because I feel the person who decided to try to reconcile when the OW or OM was in the picture must be beating himself/herself up now for trying or being sucked in, in addition to the rejection they are dealing with.

I haven't been in the position they've been in and doubt I ever will be, so I don't have to make that very difficult decision about whether to let logic or emotion control my actions.

But I do think that in general, the OW/OM is not the problem but a symptom of the larger issues of the marriage, and even more than that, the larger issues of the WAS who is running/not willing to face his/her demons. Therefore, I think until the WAS is able him or herself to understand that the OM/OW was a symptom, there isn't much hope for true reconciliation. They have to get to a point where they, like us, see the affair as the symptom of something greater. As long as they hold on to that affair as being "true love", even should that affair break up because THEY get dumped or cheated on, they are never going to "get it" and until they get it, any relationship we have with them is bound to fall apart. That's my 2 cents ;-)