Piecing

[FindingMyVoice]

All of this may be related to the meds. It takes a few weeks for SSRI's/ NERI's to equilibrate. If you are tired, let yourself rest. If it continues after another two weeks, talk to yoru doc.

Yes! I was just at my IC yesterday and that's pretty much what she said as well. She said it will likely take another couple weeks before the SSRIs kick in and start lifting my mood a little. In the meantime, she wanted me to just do my best to avoid distancing from H, (in case it makes the depression worse), and keep sleeping as much as I can. (yay! permission to have naps...nothing to complain about there!)

PS - I do have an appt with my medical doc near the end of next week so I will talk with her if it hasn't changed. Thanks so much again for your concern and insight. Hugs, FMV.

[sgctxok]

I really appreciate that. I found it hard to moderate and be personal at the same time, so I stopped sharing my own stories very often.

But here you are not giving up, trying again. I agree, that's what love is all about.

I so have no judgment for those who choose to give up, but it's why I always encourage folks not to. Everyone has a breaking point, but nobody truly knows what it is for someone else. We feel for folks so much, that in being 'nice' we often tell someone not to let their spouse treat them as a doormat, or other similar kinds of things....give them 'permission' or encouragement to give up....and some people give up long before they may have.

I'm glad you're meeting with your doc this week.

A lot of docs don't do the follow up that's necessary, and I don't really blame the docs, but there ought to be a process in place, where there are really frequent followups on these meds. I think even more than once a week. But doing so would imply legal responsibility, be expensive and patients still wouldn't show up.

I served on a coroner's jury where a guy killed himself after his wife left him, about 2 weeks after being on zoloft. Broke my heart. And I believe his docs office did try to get him in for visits in between. He didn't get a chance to feel better. That was about 2 years before my DB days, but it motivates me here.

I've been accused of being loyal to a fault. But as you can see a glimpse--Michele personally and her work have saved my life and my family. And my relationships. I believe in it with my heart and soul.

Even more recently Virginia herself has helped me. She can take a tough stand, but I haven't met a more gentle person I do not believe.


Have you read anything about Michele personally and her mom?


Hang in there. You will start feeling your groove in not too long.

[FindingMyVoice]

I've been accused of being loyal to a fault. But as you can see a glimpse--Michele personally and her work have saved my life and my family. And my relationships. I believe in it with my heart and soul.

I'm so glad you found yourself and your family the help you needed, through Michele, Virginia, and other resources. I'm learning how much courage it takes to ask for help, but how life-changing it can be when overcome our fear and take that step.

Have you read anything about Michele personally and her mom?

No I don't believe I have, unless I'm forgetting something. I've listened to her audio books 'Getting through to your man'; 'Fire your shrink'; 'Keeping Love Alive' and read DB. Was there something in one of those titles I missed? Or another resource you could direct me to? I find it so helpful to learn from others' experiences.

Hang in there. You will start feeling your groove in not too long.

Thank you, sincerely thank you. I had a really good day yesterday, even woke up in a good mood (for the first time in months). So that was an exciting development. Today I'm doing allright; not really 'up' but not as down as other times. Likely some things still working through my subconscious from my IC appt on Monday.

I'll follow your lead and keep trying; I won't give up.

Take care, FMV.

[FindingMyVoice]

Just an observation I've noticed this week, that I thought others might be interested in hearing. I didn't think much of this before because I noticed it primarily between my H and I over the last year so I thought it was kind of an isolated thing. But over xmas, as I began to change how and what I shared about myself with my sisters, the pattern happened again. So I'm wondering now if it's a more universal kind of thing that happens in relationships. Here's what I'm seeing 'behind' what happened.

When you need to change your usual role in a relationship pattern - for example, when you start talking differently or talking about meaningful things you never discussed with that person before, they rarely seem to react the way you'd hope them to. Usually what I'm looking for is support, tenderness, compassion - even a hug. Yah well good luck! What I get instead is them acting react really weird. They get bossy - telling you how to 'manage' what you're telling them, or start 'intellectualizing' things; they may just shut down and not say anything at all. But this kind of reaction usually just about knocks me over: I internalize it all. eg I must not be worth supporting; I'm handling this situation wrong because they're telling me a different way to do it... they think I'm wrong; they think I'm dumb (so of course if THEY think it I really must BE); and the worst - they don't really care, they don't really love me. So what do I do? I drop it. Stress goes down = good. But any negative patterns then don't get the opportunity to change = bad.

So it's slowly dawning on me a new way to handle this. Share with them what you need and just take a step back. Pray, strive, stay focussed, whatever... for the patience and compassion and wait out their weird reactions. They're reacting weird because it's DIFFERENT so they don't know HOW to react. NOT because they don't want to hear what you're telling them, NOT because they don't want to offer you support or love, certainly NOT because they don't care.

Then just wait. Let them absorb what you've told them, let their brains un-discombobulate or whatever they need to do. Then bring it up again later and see what happens. What I've found is that THAT's when the compassion comes; the hug you wanted, the kind supportive words.

And if the support STILL doesn't come then, then that's the time I share with them what I'm needing from them, in a kind, respectful way. I think the first time around it's too tough to do this. My own emotions are too high because I'm trying something new - I'm sharing something different so can barely keep the words in my head I need to say, let alone telling them what I need from them. And their own emotions would likely be too high as well, because they're 'receiving' information that is so different from what they're used to hearing, they might not be able to give you what you're needing anyways. In that moment, they're likely needing to focus inwards and handle their own new emotions and thoughts that are happening.

So it's ok to have to try the same conversation a couple of times... maybe even necessary. But the results can make the extra effort worth it. So that's it. That's what I've learned this week. Take care. FMV.

[MrBond]

It's what they say in many of the R books. Sometimes with our spouses and other long term relationships, we get caught up in thinking that the other person should just know what we want. Then we get disappointed because they dont' do what we assume they'd know. Mind reading.

That's why it's much easier to just say what you want sometimes. It's alot faster and takes the guess work and disappointment out of the equation.

[FindingMyVoice]

That's why it's much easier to just say what you want sometimes. It's alot faster and takes the guess work and disappointment out of the equation.

Funny, to me, this has been the most difficult part of the process - recognizing and saying what I want.

I don't know if always it's so much that we just expect the other person 'to just know what we want'. I think a lot of us grow up thinking that it's a selfish, negative thing to have needs at all, let alone voicing to another person what they are.

But I agree that if you can get yourself to a place where you have enough self-worth to be able to voice what you want, it makes life and relationships a whole lot easier.

[FindingMyVoice]

Just an update. The meds have been helping a lot. I think I slept through most of xmas and the first few weeks of January. My IC explained that it's my body 'coming down' from using adrenalin so extensively for energy, and settling down into a more normal rhythm. The last week has been a little better, not needing so many long naps through the day. But I find my moods still terribly susceptible to negative or unsuccessful interactions with H. CL's post this morning described it very well. Conflict begins. I withdraw to protect myself rather than staying present and saying what I need to, to express my side of conflict. And then, my mood, and energy plummets. While self-blame and frustration and worry that I've made the wrong decision to stay in the M, takes over. This [censored].