First time poster here although I’ve lurked for a few months. I apologize in advance for the length of the post. Where to begin? My common-law wife and I have known each other for 13 years, been together for 6 years and actually living together for 4 years. This is my first relationship ever (I was a really late bloomer) and this was her first serious relationship in a long time. She has a S13 from a previous relationship but we have no children together.
She first mentioned that she was unhappy last summer which shocked me since I thought things were going well. In hindsight I now know this to not be the case. At the time she mentioned that she needed to work on herself because she didn’t like the person she was becoming in the relationship. I should have taken this as a sign that I needed to do some work on me as well but sadly I didn’t.
She dropped a bomb again in October of this year but this time it was “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore”. Other phrases were “I feel like you’re just here because you think it’s expected of you” and “I feel like I’m living someone else’s life”. At the time I agreed, against my better judgment, that I should leave and told her so. At this point it all of a sudden seemed like she wanted me back. After a few days she agreed to try again and go see a counselor with me. This change of heart only lasted for a couple of weeks and at our first counseling session one of the first things she said was that she didn’t want to be in the relationship and that she only agreed to this because she felt bad for hurting me.
She did agree to continue individual counseling for three months but after the third session in mid December she told me once again that she didn’t want to be in the relationship. I’ve been trying my best to turn things around while in the house but at this point I’ve accepted that she just doesn’t want this and I’ve once again agreed to move out. I still love her to death but it’s just too painful for everyone involved to be in the same house. We’re at the point where I have most of my things at my new place and we’re just finalizing bank accounts, assets, debts etc.
I’ve accepted my role in this. I’ve essentially been a doormat for the last few years. I’m very non-confrontational and will generally bend over backwards to make sure everyone is happy. I’ll almost never tell anyone when I’m angry and shove my feelings down inside. She said that I seemed to be indifferent to being in the relationship and she never got to know the real me. I agree that I’m not the most emotional of people but I loved her more than anything else in my life. I realize now that these traits aren’t attractive and that they aren’t part of the person I want to be so I’m working to change that. She has her own issues that she is still going to counseling for, very poor self image, very unhappy since childhood, for which I am thankful.
The strange thing is that we don’t hate each other and we’re perfectly capable of having fun and being friends. We still sleep in the same bed. Although now she doesn’t want me to do anything for her because she says it makes her feel guilty. She also says she feels guilty for being happy or having fun with me. I think she’s been going out of her way to make this separation as easy as possible so as not to hurt me. I still don’t want this. Is there any hope? I’m confused because although I know I could just be in denial this just doesn’t feel like the end.
