She saw I was upset and asked me. She knew all along what it was. (It turned out to be a conference call) So I told her. She gets this disappointed look on her face and says "this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives isn't it?" What can I say to that?
In her eyes I "checked" up on her and when I found something I immediately got upset. I know I shouldn't be checking up on her, but from my perspective it's only been a month since she cut off contact with this guy. I'm not trying to justify my actions, I mean I have to build the trust some way. Also, I didn't react how I reacted in the past. I didn't get angry or throw wild accusations at her.
She needs to realize that she has violated the trust in the M. She has to give you time to get over that. She should have told you, "Look, I've got to have a phone conference with OM. Just wanted you to know that it's business." But with her not saying anything, it would look suspicious. Could you tell if it was during working hours?
I don't believe phone calls, emails, TM's or anything should exclude your S being able to look.....if he/she wanted. I expected my H to follow my computer activity for a while and I didn't blame him. He needed reassurance that I was through with OM.
Instead of beating yourself up for "checking up" on your W, tell her that she will need to be patient with you until you can feel completely assured that the M is affair proof. It is not a sign of weakness on your part to ask her. It is reasonable.
At this stage, it would be easy for her to backslide. The influence of a fantasy is very strong, even for a very educated person.
The fact that she agreed not to attend that meeting was a good sign that she's trying to work "with" you to show you she doesn't want an EA.....but then the phone call seemed to have erased it all (from your POV).
Don't feel bad at what you did. I think the fact you were able to control your temper is a sign of growth. It makes it bad when the S and OP work together. You were challenged, and you worked through it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
