I spent the vast majority of my post here in newcomers. If you don't want to read my story, I'll give the "Cliffs Notes" version.
My W and had a rough 2010 starting in Feb. Much of due to some issues I was going through. I had a feeling my W was unfaithful and constantly accused her of cheating or searched through her phone, email, etc. I also was becoming very needy - asking for a lot of physical affection and ILYs, etc from my W. I attribute to some depression and some other stuff I was going through.
I started to get that under control, but it took a heavy toll on W and in early Nov. she told me she wanted a D because she couldn't be in a marriage like we had the past 8 months. I also discovered she had an EA from Sept to Nov. - mostly using it as an escape from the M problems. She eventually came off the D and just wanted a S. She then came off that to. In December, she cut off contact with the OM, and agreed to MC.
December things started to improve - She agreed to sleep in the same bed after 8 weeks of sleeping in separate rooms. And a couple weeks ago, she ask me to ML for the first time in 9 weeks. However, it has been rocky since we ML (and we haven't since then). I think we are trying to feel our way around this process. We've had a couple of long talks/fights in the last week that really help me see things from her perspective. After each talk, my W assured me that "everything would be okay" and that the fights "did not derail us." However, both of us agree that the fights/talks set us back.
Yesterday, my wife told me that we just need to have things calm around us so she can reduce her anger at me and the situation. I am trying to get my feelings under control, but I realize that I am hopelessly in love with my W.
We had 2 MC session in Mid-december and due to scheduling issues the MC wasn't able to see us for nearly 3 weeks (I suspect this had a lot to due with our set back).
So that's where we are. I believe we are both committed to working on the M. But my W still has a lot of anger at me and fear that things will go back to the worst parts of the M. I am slowly trying to rebuild my trust in her because of the EA.
It is a process and I'm just kinda feeling me way around. As it stands now, we are friendly to each other, we don't ML, we sleep in the same bed, but don't have any real physical intimacy like hugging, hand holding, ILYs, etc.
I'm letting her take the lead on the ML for sure and most of the other small things. I'd like to initiate some of those, but I don't know if it's okay.
The other night during our fight she said "I just want to hear you say I'm sorry and I love you." Threw me off a little
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
The weekend was very solid for us. No fights/disagreements and I really, really enjoyed my W's company this weekend...as a friend. I think she enjoyed mine as well. We watched a movie together on Saturday night and last night. It was my idea for the movies and last night my W says to me. "Thanks, that was a really good idea (for the movie) I had a good time."
I had a couple minor issues that came, but I managed to work through them. For example, on both nights my W and I sat on different seats. I would have liked her to sit next to me, but she didn't. I didn't get pissy or mopey about it. I understand where we are.
However, I will say that it's nowhere near back to normal. Still no physical affection of any kinds and There are definitely moments of awkwardness between us. They don't bother me as much as W, because my IC said we would have them. So I expect them. She commented on in on Sunday after the movie - she asked me "Are we ever going to get back to where we were." I should've said "we are a lot closer than we were weeks ago." I didn't. I just said I thought we would (real brilliant)
I'm ready to start initiating some physical affection and I almost went for a kiss this morning, but I pulled back. I'm still just waiting as I don't want to derail things. I wonder if if will come up in our MC session on Friday. I'm very much looking forward to it.
W has started talking about the future. my w has talking about us taking a yoga class together (She was talking about it last year before the rough times hit. She said "I'm still on this yoga thing." I suggest that we could do it before or after MC because it's time we've carved out already. She said it wasn't a bad idea.
oh well, I hope to continue this.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
She commented on in on Sunday after the movie - she asked me "Are we ever going to get back to where we were." I should've said "we are a lot closer than we were weeks ago." I didn't. I just said I thought we would.
Hi Harrier, I don't know if I've ever posted on your thread before; congrats on piecing. I just wanted to comment on this one thing. I don't think what you replied is so bad...
If I put myself in your W's shoes and said that, and heard my H reply: "We are a lot closer than we were weeks ago" I would likely have interpretd that as he wasn't really hearing the fears I was sharing with him, or even contradicting me.
I think you did great by just staying present within your experience of the situation, and commenting on YOUR feelings about it ("I just said I thought we would.") while at the same time, acknowledging the fears she shared about her experience of it. I'd say you handled a difficult conversation very well.
FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I found my wife had called the OM's office today and got upset. Not angry, just bummed. turns out is was part of a conference call for work.
Of course, I ask her about it. Now she's disappointed that I "checked" up on her, I'm disappointed that she didn't tell me first or right after it happened.
I hate stuff like this. I feel bad that she called his office, I feel bad for checking the records and finding something, I feel bad that I set us back.
Oy vey, this is a long process.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Have you and your W discussed an open infidelity policy? This is where she has to tell you when she talks to the OM no matter how small and contrite that interaction might seem to her. She has to prove to you that she can be trusted.
In cases where an A has occurred, it is the WAS's responsibility to alleviate the fears of the LBS. That is the only way to total healing. There are several great websites and books on that subject of healing from infidelity. If she is serious about R, she will have to put in the work.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She saw I was upset and asked me. She knew all along what it was. (It turned out to be a conference call) So I told her. She gets this disappointed look on her face and says "this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives isn't it?" What can I say to that?
In her eyes I "checked" up on her and when I found something I immediately got upset. I know I shouldn't be checking up on her, but from my perspective it's only been a month since she cut off contact with this guy. I'm not trying to justify my actions, I mean I have to build the trust some way. Also, I didn't react how I reacted in the past. I didn't get angry or throw wild accusations at her.
She needs to realize that she has violated the trust in the M. She has to give you time to get over that. She should have told you, "Look, I've got to have a phone conference with OM. Just wanted you to know that it's business." But with her not saying anything, it would look suspicious. Could you tell if it was during working hours?
I don't believe phone calls, emails, TM's or anything should exclude your S being able to look.....if he/she wanted. I expected my H to follow my computer activity for a while and I didn't blame him. He needed reassurance that I was through with OM.
Instead of beating yourself up for "checking up" on your W, tell her that she will need to be patient with you until you can feel completely assured that the M is affair proof. It is not a sign of weakness on your part to ask her. It is reasonable.
At this stage, it would be easy for her to backslide. The influence of a fantasy is very strong, even for a very educated person.
The fact that she agreed not to attend that meeting was a good sign that she's trying to work "with" you to show you she doesn't want an EA.....but then the phone call seemed to have erased it all (from your POV).
Don't feel bad at what you did. I think the fact you were able to control your temper is a sign of growth. It makes it bad when the S and OP work together. You were challenged, and you worked through it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Man I am having a rough day. I feel like I'm backsliding all the way to the start. This meeting/call thing with my W & the OM threw me for a loop. I find myself really hurting again. I know I need to work through it but my W's reaction isn't helping at all. This is hard stuff. I haven't been this low for weeks. I was surprised at my emotional reaction to all this. I feel needy and weak really. Not attractive to any one.
Ho Hum.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Try to remember how she responded positive to you when you started coming out of your depression. I believe if she knew she could come home every night to find her H calm & pleasant....there would be an immediate change in her. Remember what she said about wanting things to be calmer?
You have all the reason in the world for your emotions to be in overdrive, but I think it is majorly working against you. In fact, I think I've seen a couple of places where she didn't tell you about contacts b/c of dreading your reaction. The contacts could have been strictly business, but it would discourage anyone from approaching the subject. If she already was drained from the bout of depression and now facing your emotions roller coaster everyday....it could be cause for her to withhold information. Just a thought.
I was actually thinking about your stitch as I was driving home from work. I was remembering how you have mentioned getting upset and yelling. Have you tried to practice speaking in a low, soft voice when you want to get her attention? I am a firm believer in that having more effect on a female, rather than yelling. Yelling, just lets her know you're mad. The response from her isn't usually what you're wanting. But, when you speak in a soft, low, controlled voice....that has a totally different effect and the results are a lot better. It might prevent you from having a heart attack, too.
How are your kids doing? Do they see you and their mom arguing?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, Crisis averted. a few things. 1. I was very calm and pleasant when I got home tonight. I try to be like that most times because for one I'm really starting to enjoy her company as my best friend. 2. I know my emotions are working in overdrive, but I was able to regain a sense of calm as I drove home tonight. 3. I could see why she would withhold the information because of my reaction. In fact when she told me about the meeting I was pretty calm, but she could see a reaction on my face. 4. Okay maybe I haven't presented things well. I didn't just start yelling when I was mad, but I did yell. I've learned, through my IC, how to approach my W when I have an issue. I talk to her in a soft low voice, as you suggest, and start with the phrase "I'm upset..(or something to that effect).
The kids are actually doing very well. Of course as I type this my 4YO is asleep next to me on the couch with a nasty cold and my 15 month old, just got stitches for a deep gash he had near his eye. :-) We don't argue in front of them (we agreed to that early on). This is one area I feel that is going close to perfect. we feel that we are complete partners in raising our boys. We are able to work together very well.
Okay, so I was having an emotional moment when I posted what I did. I was driving home and thinking about the physical intimacy component. Then I remembered someone here saying the rules for piecing are different. So I decided that I was going to give her a hug when I got home. Why? because I wanted to. So I did and she gave me a hug back. She said "what was that for?" 'I just said "because I wanted to." After I let go, honestly, she seemed a little giddy. I know that it's not super important, but I haven't seen that side of her for a while.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
FMV.