"Yeah... But I am sure you will understand. It's the secret, non verbalized fear that lingers over at piecing forum..."
It also is the reason I have always said "this" is the easy part. I understand what you are saying. I have to say that after walking thru this with DB.com I did not have any fear going forward. I knew that if we could get thru it again that this time would make the difference. The difference I have ended up with is that I am beginning to agree that this marriage aint all its cracked up to be.
"Anyway, who brought up the "I am not happy" thing? You or Jenny?"
At this point I would say it has been a decision we have both come to. Technically I think I said it first.
"Are there any other signs you get but havent shared with us? Could she be involved in any way with anyone else?"
An affair is possibility. I don't "see" the signs I did before.. but if people act the same way and never change then we can be assured that is going on. It is not a deal breaker for me. It has not been the past few time so I don't think it will be now. Personally I don't really care if there is one.. that is a separate issue that has nothing to do with me. The issue confronting me is that I am not happy. She has been clear that she is not happy.
"How is her career? Has she moved up that ladder? New power, new excitement?"
She has a job that she has done well with and she is moving up the ladder. Quickly? Not really. But they do enjoy having her work there. The want to see her progress. She works for a couple that is close with my Mom and Dad. The company is growing and there are opportunities.
"How is your sex life? How has it been?"
LOL. Does that describe it well enough. One of the issues that came out back in 2007 was that she felt pressured alot of times. I cannot for the life of me think that she has felt any pressure at all. We have discussed the lack. It generally just ends in that is a messed up way to think.
"Do you honestly feel you can live without her? I know you maybe fed up and tired and disappointed because things SHOULD be OK by now, but getting tired clouds our judgement."
Yes. I could live without her. I have chosen not to up until this point. I indicated that the options were C or D at this point. I told her my preferred idea was C. She said she needed to think about it. She thought about it for a week. She said she did not think it would do any good. So.. there is only one other choice.
I have not acted upon anything at this point. I have my post up. I am finishing up things around the house (closing the loose ends so to speak). And within the next week or so I will likely need to move forward with the whole L thing and finding a place to live. (Mom and Dad's place is not an option.) I am not excited about this. The sheer amount of money that will be absorbed by this process.. just makes me want to throw up. We are finally at a place where money is not a constant issue and this will put us back to the level where it will be.
"IMO, being happy in a long term relationship, involves the ability of the partners to be happy with what they have. Not in a "settle for whatever" way, but "focus on what is good, improve what isnt and dont allow the latter ruin the former" way."
I don't know that I disagree with you. I can tell you that numerous times over the past week I have pointed out that all she can recall are the bad things. And that they seem to cover up any good I have ever done. Words like "Never" and "You don't do anything" seem to come from her mouth quite a bit. I have been very cautious this time about pointing fingers and have done my best not to bring up past times and events. I have let 1 or 2 fly. This is just one of those times I need to "see" something that will help me turn a corner. And you know.. people say the damndest things.. when they don't know what to say.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I don't know that I disagree with you. I can tell you that numerous times over the past week I have pointed out that all she can recall are the bad things. And that they seem to cover up any good I have ever done. Words like "Never" and "You don't do anything" seem to come from her mouth quite a bit. I have been very cautious this time about pointing fingers and have done my best not to bring up past times and events. I have let 1 or 2 fly. This is just one of those times I need to "see" something that will help me turn a corner. And you know.. people say the damndest things.. when they don't know what to say.
Come on Forrest, you know that what you describe is typical. "Never", "you dont do anything", "always", yada yada yada... I am not saying there are no valid points in what she says, I dont know that, I am saying that the exaggeration is typical and very cliche in this situations...
I have always gotten help from reading what you post to other people because you are straight and don't put any fluff in.
Really be careful before you leave. I understand not being happy, and I have wondered if my H ever decided to come back if I would take him because I don't know if I would ever be happy with him again, but D is horrible. It damages everything and everyone around.
I am with K, what W is saying is typical and in the heat of the moment we all say things that we don't mean. She is probably not watching her words like you.
I don't really have great advice because I never got to piecing, but I would hate to see a marriage that made it end now. Maybe go to C by yourself for a bit and see if she will come with you when it isn't an ultimatum.
Weigh everything carefully because the road to D is filled with hurt and pain.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
"Weigh everything carefully because the road to D is filled with hurt and pain."
Yes I know.
The issues have become the differences in the way people think. I get that. But it is hard to argue with someone that does not get what a physical LL means. It feels so dirty to try and talk thru it. I thought when we got back together in 2008 that I was clear. I know she understood the majority of it.. but she did not fully understand. I guess what I came away with from tonight's conversation with her was this.
Even though I am "doing" things.. they don't hit the mark. While I think I am doing things that should fill the "love bucket" up.. they just are not. This is what makes me not understand. I have tried different things. I am reasonably creative.. but it just is not "doing" things for her. So.. I "see" the cycle.. but can't do anything to change it.
For example..
I need to "get some" for my love bucket to fill up. But when we got back together she said she needed to feel "not pressured".
She needs to "see" me doing things with the kids. I am not good at this. That fills up her love bucket.
My kids don't lack for much. But I am missing the mark somewhere.
That about sums up my thoughts for tonight.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
In my earlier post I meant what SG said abt love being a decision, a commitment. I know love is complex, but I'm seeing that in RL and on db.com the focus is too much on feelings and attraction which really come and go; if this is the case with you may as well give up.
When a W's complaining gets to incessantly "you always", "you never", ... It's like a one- way switch has been set in their brain. And it's hard to take this sort of negativity on the chin day in and day out, without disagreeing or feeling the pain of it. I faced the same problem and chose to do nothing simply because I didn't know what the hell to do. Kalni seems to think this is not a big deal but I think it is - the W's brain has chemically crystalized in some irreversible way. I'd now say something strong needs to be done; wish I knew what exactly would flip that switch.
