Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Thanks! =) Not too much going on right now - just continuing to be busy at work. I hadn't seen H since I posted last time until today. A few interesting things to note. On Friday, he was texting with me and texting with a friend (the dj from their place). All of a sudden, I get this random text that says "the single life isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've been taking showers w/o a heater for over a year!" What??? He quickly writes back that that text was for the other guy. Still, I jump on the opportunity and respond basically that maybe subconsciencely, he did mean to send the text to me and that he's ready to move past the single life. He responds that he's not really living the single life (yeah, right) b/c he doesn't do anything and is in limbo pergatory. Ok, then time to get out of limbo pergatory. We kind of left it like that. I don't know if it was a serious comment to his friend, or just a joke (b/c of the no heater part), but it still gave me the opportunity to put that idea out there.

This weekend, H was supposed to take S and I to the local amusement park to get our annual passes that he was going to buy us for christmas. But surprise surprise, H was too tired, and sore, and blah blah blah. Then later on, he wanted S and I to come to the the new place for dinner. By that time, S's cough had really been kicking up all day, so even though I hadn't seen him and he hadn't seen S or I, there was no way I was going to go. He can't ever get his butt out of bed to come see us, so why should I make the effort? So he still hasn't seen S since once last week for maybe an hour or two at MIL house (in which time he spent a good portion sleeping). Like you said too Awest - it's all about consistency and H has none. I asked S if he wanted to talk to H and the response "NOOOOOOOO!" as he runs and hides in the other room. Well, what do you expect??? He too has this last small window of chance to build an R with his son and he continues to ruin it.

So, since yesterday didn't work out, we agreed to have lunch today. All was well, but when I get to the restaurant, and I see H, my heart sunk and I knew something was off. It was just his whole demeanor that put all that angry vibe. He comes out of the car grumbling how this girl just quit on him 3 hours before her shift and he can't find anyone to cover the shift. (I don't think I mentioned before, but the new place got burglarized last week and they think this girl might have been the insider on it). I try to have casual conversation with him and he's very snappy and short w/ me. I start with small talk but finally just asked him if he was ok, "NO!", Ok, then do you want to talk about it. "NO!". I finally just stopped trying to talk in him and we ate our whole meal in silence. I never ever wanted to be out of a place more than I did right then. I ate half my meal and said I was full and took the rest to go. We finally leave. He says how he's just so upset with everything that he thinks he might snap. I continue to try to diffuse his anger and finally just give him a half hug and thank him for lunch (that was hard to thank him, but he did buy). I left pissed, hurt and angry. I know he is responsible for his own moods and actions, but when he is that cold to me (for no reason of any of my own doing), it is still hurtful. For once, I wished he had just cancelled on me so I wouldn't have had to suffer thru such an swful lunch. Later on, he texts how his dad had assigned his shares over to him (so now he is majority owner), so he can make some changes (in regards to his loser alcoholic uncles). He also found someone to cover the quiting girls shift, so all was good in the world again and H was happy. Joy. To me, this is just getting so ridiculous. I'm so tired of dealing with H and his pyschotic moods. Part of me just wants to move on past him (and thinks it may be healthier for me), but I fear H won't "let me go". So if I do go that route, I'm going to have to figure out a way to make that "his" idea.

Besides that, I looked into local counselors and have found one that I like should we chose to go the next step. Although not DB coaches, they follow a lot of the similar philosophies. They don't dwell on the past, but are there to help you with your present and learn techiniques and set goals for the future.

Lastly, it's been difficult with S lately. I think he got really attached to being with me so much over the holidays. He had a lot of separation anxiety when I first went back to work last week. S too, has been having problems with nightmares. He wakes up once a night, every night, crying for me and has to be cuddled back to sleep. It's just been difficult b/c having your sleep interupted really does a number on a person. I'm just tired all the time. Hopefully this phase will end shortly. S also has a bad cough, so that has been keep him up as well. I've just been thinking about a lot of things regarding S. He's just so fun now. He has an imagination and we can laugh and play games - it's just everything. Yes, some times are hard (like they nighly wakeups), but I truely love being a mom! I just can't help but think too of all that H continues to miss out on b/c of HIS choices. Sad sad sad...