Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

Happy New year as well! The new year came in slowly this year. I just didn't feel up to doing anything(tired after all the christmas craziness) so I just stayed home, watched a movie, cheered at midnight, then went to sleep. S was in bed by 9:30, but had a hard time sleeping with all the fireworks going off. H of course was working, but they were having a big party at his place and all the family went there. I could have gone, but didn't feel up to it. I was fine with it until midnight when I saw all the people kissing on tv and realized I was alone. I texted H happy new years at midnight and he text that back as well shortly later. H has kept the communication open (texting to see how I'm doing, calling sometimes, etc) but I've been a little annoyed with his lack of trying to actually see me. He got off from work slightly early on Saturday night (9:30), and said he was tired from the night before, but still went to the old place to watch the UFC recap. On Sunday, he got off early too, but went to a salsa club to check out bringing in salsa dancing to their place once a week. Yes, that was work related, but to me, it comes back to priorites. He always found "work" things to do to get away/stay away from the house before. I keep thinking that if we do get back together, he will need to devote his off work time to family time (which is really only two nights a week [wed/thurs] + other sporadic times - still not much). Yes, there are always other things to do (or friends to see), but when we have such little time together as it is with our opposite work schedules, the time he's not working has to be an us priority. A lot on my mind still. I'm still thinking too about how to push forward the next part of my plan. I think a casual conversation about moving forward with us this year to get his mind thinking, before I push him too hard. It will let him know where my mind is and get him thinking before I demand an answer (well, not that I'm actually going to demand it, but you know, before I push harder on it). In other news, H is also suppose to start a new med this month that will help with his ADD. I really hope that helps. From what I understand, a lot of issues are linked to his ADD, so it will be interesting to see which of H's problems are helped by dealing with his ADD. One more thing about the dr, he is actually transferring H to another dr b/c he is going to start writing a book with Dr Amen. Exciting for him, but I'm not sure if that's a benefit or hurt for H. In one sense, it might be good for another dr to look at H, but on the other hand, the original doc knows more about the sitch that H has been dealing with. So, I guess we'll see!

So back to work as usual again. I'm going to miss all the extra time with S that I had over the holidays. We got our tax schedule yesterday, so definitely going to be busy again! (luckily they hired another girl that is going to be able to help out some this year. Yay! But since she is new, there is also going to be a huge learning curve that is going to require my time as well - so we'll see how much time I gain).

So, not sure what to make of the new year yet. Hopefully though, it's going to be a good year. Trying to think positive thoughts!

[awest1217]

It sounds like DBing is working some. The tide us turning in that you are not dependent on H and H knows it but he is still trying to be with you. There is still much to be done, but no matter what I think you will be great and to me that is what is most important.

Good luck with tax season!

[Lucky11too]

Thanks! =) Not too much going on right now - just continuing to be busy at work. I hadn't seen H since I posted last time until today. A few interesting things to note. On Friday, he was texting with me and texting with a friend (the dj from their place). All of a sudden, I get this random text that says "the single life isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've been taking showers w/o a heater for over a year!" What??? He quickly writes back that that text was for the other guy. Still, I jump on the opportunity and respond basically that maybe subconsciencely, he did mean to send the text to me and that he's ready to move past the single life. He responds that he's not really living the single life (yeah, right) b/c he doesn't do anything and is in limbo pergatory. Ok, then time to get out of limbo pergatory. We kind of left it like that. I don't know if it was a serious comment to his friend, or just a joke (b/c of the no heater part), but it still gave me the opportunity to put that idea out there.

This weekend, H was supposed to take S and I to the local amusement park to get our annual passes that he was going to buy us for christmas. But surprise surprise, H was too tired, and sore, and blah blah blah. Then later on, he wanted S and I to come to the the new place for dinner. By that time, S's cough had really been kicking up all day, so even though I hadn't seen him and he hadn't seen S or I, there was no way I was going to go. He can't ever get his butt out of bed to come see us, so why should I make the effort? So he still hasn't seen S since once last week for maybe an hour or two at MIL house (in which time he spent a good portion sleeping). Like you said too Awest - it's all about consistency and H has none. I asked S if he wanted to talk to H and the response "NOOOOOOOO!" as he runs and hides in the other room. Well, what do you expect??? He too has this last small window of chance to build an R with his son and he continues to ruin it.

So, since yesterday didn't work out, we agreed to have lunch today. All was well, but when I get to the restaurant, and I see H, my heart sunk and I knew something was off. It was just his whole demeanor that put all that angry vibe. He comes out of the car grumbling how this girl just quit on him 3 hours before her shift and he can't find anyone to cover the shift. (I don't think I mentioned before, but the new place got burglarized last week and they think this girl might have been the insider on it). I try to have casual conversation with him and he's very snappy and short w/ me. I start with small talk but finally just asked him if he was ok, "NO!", Ok, then do you want to talk about it. "NO!". I finally just stopped trying to talk in him and we ate our whole meal in silence. I never ever wanted to be out of a place more than I did right then. I ate half my meal and said I was full and took the rest to go. We finally leave. He says how he's just so upset with everything that he thinks he might snap. I continue to try to diffuse his anger and finally just give him a half hug and thank him for lunch (that was hard to thank him, but he did buy). I left pissed, hurt and angry. I know he is responsible for his own moods and actions, but when he is that cold to me (for no reason of any of my own doing), it is still hurtful. For once, I wished he had just cancelled on me so I wouldn't have had to suffer thru such an swful lunch. Later on, he texts how his dad had assigned his shares over to him (so now he is majority owner), so he can make some changes (in regards to his loser alcoholic uncles). He also found someone to cover the quiting girls shift, so all was good in the world again and H was happy. Joy. To me, this is just getting so ridiculous. I'm so tired of dealing with H and his pyschotic moods. Part of me just wants to move on past him (and thinks it may be healthier for me), but I fear H won't "let me go". So if I do go that route, I'm going to have to figure out a way to make that "his" idea.

Besides that, I looked into local counselors and have found one that I like should we chose to go the next step. Although not DB coaches, they follow a lot of the similar philosophies. They don't dwell on the past, but are there to help you with your present and learn techiniques and set goals for the future.

Lastly, it's been difficult with S lately. I think he got really attached to being with me so much over the holidays. He had a lot of separation anxiety when I first went back to work last week. S too, has been having problems with nightmares. He wakes up once a night, every night, crying for me and has to be cuddled back to sleep. It's just been difficult b/c having your sleep interupted really does a number on a person. I'm just tired all the time. Hopefully this phase will end shortly. S also has a bad cough, so that has been keep him up as well. I've just been thinking about a lot of things regarding S. He's just so fun now. He has an imagination and we can laugh and play games - it's just everything. Yes, some times are hard (like they nighly wakeups), but I truely love being a mom! I just can't help but think too of all that H continues to miss out on b/c of HIS choices. Sad sad sad...

[awest1217]

S is 2 and that is when my S's night terrors started. My pediatrician said they are normal and just recommended having a normal bed time routine and calming down before bed by reading a book, etc. S really doesn't have night terrors anymore unless I move him when he is asleep and then I expect it to happen. With the regular nightmares, they happen when S is upset. If he is away from me for a long time or had a very bad day, he will have night mares.

With H, I don't know what to say. I think it is good that you don't always do what he asks and tell him no because he has to learn that if he wants to be with you and be a full time dad that he is going to have to start thinking about S's scheule and your's too. He can't just say well this is good for me. Sometimes he will have to sacrifice.

The comment or accidental text...it could mean a lot of things. He could be saying that he misses having you around, but if there was OW he may not be meaning marriage, but meaning having a body around. Just don't get your hopes up too high because right now you don't know H's intentions and who knows what he meant.

Glad you found a counselor that would fit you. Now to slowly bring up the idea to H and see if he will go with you to just take the next step instead of just staying put. I will say H has taken a lot of steps to help himself which is great, although he still needs a therapist to teach him how to appropriately show his emotions so he doesn't always take it out on the people around him so dramatically, but at some point he will have to shift the focus from himself to the two of you so you don't have so much limbo all the time.

I hope this week goes well for you.

[Lucky11too]

I'm alive over here, but just somewhat surviving. I've been working 60 hour weeks, so not getting to see S nearly as much as I want. Then to add to it all, last weekend, S was super sick with a 103 fever and has just been waking up alot during the night. My mom took night duty for me for a couple of nights just so I could get some rest. I still ended up getting sick myself though, so I'm still fighting a sore throat and cough. But the topper of all this was during all of this too, a week ago, I get the early morning text from H that he just can't continue going on as he has nothing left to live for. Oh no, not again! He had valid points in one way but still, he can't kill himself. His only grounding tie has been S, but as he said, S doesn't even like him (totally true, but what does he expect, when he's hardly ever around & when he is around, he's still very absent). I talked him down out of it, but he's still a very broken man. It puts me in a hard spot too b/c I can't (like I wanted) be just like, it's MC or D right now. It's a very delicate situation. He ended up going back to the dr that same day and they put him on a new med, but he has yet to try it yet (ultimate procrastinator). It's hard, I don't want to be in limbo land anymore, but at this point, I don't know how to get out of it. I'm just trying to deal with everything right now with all the work stress and home stress, but it's definitely tough. So we'll see... =/

[Lucky11too]

Also wanted to note, we had a very interesting conversation during our suicidal morning call. Yes, he was in his pit of depression, so I have to keep that in mind & realize that he was in a down emotional state, but he said alot of interesting things. First he said how he couldn't move on past me b/c he lovs me so much, but then changed that and said, no, b/c he respects me so much. "Respects me" - what does that mean??? I'll take it as a compliment, but I don't really understand it. He went back too to how he can't let me go and move on. If he could let me go, then the answer would be easy - divorce. But on the other hand, he can't be with me b/c he still can't get over "that I left him after he gave me everything" (uh what house was he living in?). I couldn't argue at that moment on how his view of the past was completely skewed b/c I didn't want to sink him further in his suicidal hole, but seriously??? He mentioned too how he knows it's not fair to leave me in limbo land either. Obviously, he has to make a decision, but that was defintely not the time to bring it up. I did mention MC too, but b/c that's the last hope, he's afraid to try it and have it fail - b/c then what - he really does lose everything.


In regards to the depression itself, he also said how he's tried everything to feel better: the bad stuff originally - alcohol, drugs, OW's, & now has tried the better stuff - therapy, apnea surgery, meds, but nothing has worked. I can see why he wants to give up, but he just hasn't given it enough time. Meds take time to work, plus, I don't even think he's found the right one for him which takes time in itself. So, I really hope this new med is the right now - it's suppose to help with his depression and ADD, so hopefully that will be the magic mix for him!

K, back to work, but I just wanted to get an update in.

[awest1217]

Have you talked to anyone about the suicidal calls? If you haven't you need to. This is not something you should handle on your own. Does H talk to his doc about this?

Make sure you take care of yourself as well. Taking care of H, S and your job will take it out of you.

I also agree with what is happening with S, but it is on our H's to have a relationship. I have stopped trying to push anything. Some two parent homes, the dads are there, but still don't have a great relationship, which is sad, but being a two parent house doesn't guarantee a good relationship. It is sad, but nothing we can control.

Hope the next few months go by quickly.

[awest1217]

I hope you are doing well and that is why you are not posting, and not because things are going poorly. Hope all is well

[Lucky11too]

Hey, Just finished taxes today! Sorry, it's been so long since I posted and unfortunately, I do not have good news to report. =( It's been a long and quite awful last few months - work and personally. Things just kept getting worse and worse with H, so i finally scheduled an appointment with a MC at the end of Feb, and said "let's go". Welll, he turned me down, so after a few weeks of me pulling away, we finally had a talk on March 30. I told him I could do this with him anymore. Of course, typically H, instead of fighting for me, he starts fighting against me and turned to violence. He's harrasssed, chased, stalked, and everything imagineable two last few weeks leaving me in complete hell and fear. Notable incidents include him chasing down me in my car and cutting me off and then getting out of his car and continuing to cuss and threaten me. I have never felt so scared in my life. He's continued to threaten my life and any future man that I might bring into it, saying, "well, I don't even care about my life (suicide), why would I care about someone else" and turning my words of "I don't see a future for us together" into, "Yes, I don't see a future for you OR I eiter.". Totally creepy. Basically, if he gets to the point where he is ready to commit suicide, it's going to be a murder-suicide. So last week, I got a lawyer, filed an emergency restraining order and the divorce papers. He was served on Friday night and after hiding out in fear all weekend at various relatives house's, we tried to return to some normalcy this week. It's awful living in complete fear of him and what he might do. He finally broke the restaining order today and texted me twice (about what I want for S [yes, he honestly thinks he can buy S out!!! What?!) and what I want out of the divorce. I imagine it's only going to escalate from here b/c I am not responding to him. It could be another scary weekend. The restraining order gave me full legal/physical custody of S and the courts refused any visitation to H until April 28th when our permanent restraining order hearing is. At that time we'll re-evaluate the custody and I/my lawyer are suggesting supervised visitation only. Basically though whatever terms we come to for custody on the restaining order will become our divorce custody order as the courts like to stick with that's already in place. I would love to have S away from H completely b/c he really is mentally unstable. It's not that i don't want S to see his dad, but not until H gets more help. Right now, he's dangerous to everybody including himself.

I just feel like I'm in a bad dream right now & it feels so surreal. I want nothing more than for my M to be over now and somehow get thru this alive! I'm just so scared right now. I feel so discouraged too b/c I have spent the last 2 1/2 years fighting for our M, just for it to turn into this. I still believe there was a reason that God led me down this path, but it's just impossible for me to see right now. I just wish I had better news to report. =/

[awest1217]

Lucky I am so sorry this is happening, but I am glad you are taking action. H should never ever threaten you and I am glad you got the restraining order. I know it is horrible, but since you have kept all the IMs that will help your case showing he is unstable. Best case now is a judge refuses visitation and the restraining order holds. How are your inlaws with this? Are they watching S at all? Because it will be hard on them to tell their son to not come over.

I hope things get better. I would also recommend that you go see a C just to make sure you have someone to help you deal with what is going on. Plus this will help your case showing how you are getting help for yourself as well through this to make sure you can be the best mom possible as you already are.

Hang in there, and I will pray it all gets done quickly.