Congratulations to your daughters! Glad you had a good time too!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
It has been one week with no communication with my H other than a couple text here and there about the girls. none.
I am not missing him. The longer I am away from him physically and emotionally, I am getting angry. Not an unhealthy angry, but I am upset by the way he has manipulated me lately. Telling me that he loves me and working out a "plan" for the future, then reading the text from him to OW that he loves her. Then finding him at the bar the next day. When I don't have him physically in front of me, hugging me, telling me everything is going to be okay. I find that my thoughts go black.
The longer I am away from him, the less and less I want him back in my life.
This is scary, this emotion I am feeling. It is like a dead feeling. no pain, no heartache. mostly just low simmering anger that I have been treated like dirt for too long and I don't want to be in this situation any longer.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I know this "low simmering anger" well. It has been with me for the past few months, actually I think since right before November. I wish there was something I could tell you that would make it go away. Personally, I have not figured that out for myself. IMO, I think these are feelings that we are just going to have to deal with. Do not be surprised if later on you will feel a huge feeling of rage that comes over you.
What I find myself doing is trying to stay busy, trying to just sit back and understand why I am feeling the way that I do.
Your comment of "feeling like dirt for too long" is spot on. However, I think we both need to realize that WE CHOOSE to stand. We Choose to allow ourselves to be treated this way.
So as much as it may be easier to blame our spouses...no one but a gun to our head to make us stay. So what does this tell me (and maybe you) if you think about it?
1) We were codependant on our spouses. 2) Our self worth was shot and tied to HOW our spouses felt about us 3) We are still in the grieving process 4) We are not beinging to learn that we control our lives 5) We are facing some of our fears 6) that divorce [censored]
I hope you feel better.
Oh...one suggestion....in your anger do not allow yourself to hurl it at your H. Once again, if we are honest with ourselves - we choose to do this. Our spouses did not make us. So "own" it and do not allow yourself to be a victim.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I agree with Eric! I have gone back and forth and around again about why I am doing this still and why I can't seem to let go of XH, I ask myself what is wrong with me that I would even consider taking back someone who has done all the things he has. I always come back to the fact that who he is now isn't who he was for 20 years and that is why I choose to continue (somewhat) to stand. I am divorced, but we have not acted as divorced people yet and it is my goal to have the strength to do that in 2011, because my "simmering anger" isn't good for me anymore, it has lasted too long.
My now XH said and did all the things yours was, he moved out breifly to give me space, but was always professing his love and commitment to me, came back home, swore he wasn't with OW and we were working on our marriage, and then he turned again, I should have known he was back with her, but my heart couldn't take it, he left again this time for good, but was still denying OW and did until the divorce was final.
Stand your ground, be strong and firm, it's you or the OW, period. How you are feeling now with the numbness will change yet again and again!! Be happy you know the OW is still in the picture, if I had known I wouldn't have let him cake eat, but I should have gotten a private eye like everyone told me, I think had I done that and caught him again, we would still be married!! Oh well, hindsight is 20/20, I did what I could!! You can do better, you deserve the best!! I am praying for your miracle to still come true!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Your comment of "feeling like dirt for too long" is spot on. However, I think we both need to realize that WE CHOOSE to stand. We Choose to allow ourselves to be treated this way.
you are totally right. totally right. I could have filed for divorce 6 months ago if I didn't want to deal with this, but I didn't because I wasn't ready to let go.
Everyone said the anger would come...but like I said it is more like I am disgusted than actually anger. I guess you said it best when you said it was a "low simmer anger". I just walk around thinking to myself "F him"
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
but like I said it is more like I am disgusted than actually anger. I guess you said it best when you said it was a "low simmer anger". I just walk around thinking to myself "F him"
My hope and prayer is that the anger stays simmering...trust me, ya don't wanna feel what I am feeling these days.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Anger. Yep. Been there. Likely will end up back for brief periods in time ... it's one of the stages.
I can sit here and write a post about how we all get angry and we need to feel it and process it and move past it. Y'all know that crap already. So I'll save you the read.
Anger won't serve you long term. Neither will making decisions because your S did something TO you. This is the worse side of the worse in the "for better or worse". You thought it was hard up till now?
I'm not saying you should or should not be angry. Nope. That's your call to make. All I'm sayin' is figure out who you are really angry at, and honestly decide if it serves you. My guess? You're mad at yourself for "allowing yourself to be treated like this" or because "you feel like a fool" etc ... and I'm guessing this, because I felt both.
I was not a fool for loving my husband and standing by my vows even when he chose not to. I am not a fool for continuing to treat him with respect. I am not a fool for having a friendship with him even in D. I was not a fool for believing the best of him even when he didn't deserve it. I was not a fool for not understanding MLC and the beast that had overtaken my H. I was not a fool for not setting hard boundaries that I couldn't have enforced and probably would have made things worse.
I am making my choices based on the woman I am. Not on how he does, or does not, treat me. Not based on what he says or does or thinks.
Do yourself a favor TAMF, don't make decisions based on how you feel ... make them based on who you ARE. A loving, self-respecting, wonderful woman, mother and wife.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
h says that he will take kids to swim practice. I avoid coming home because I don't want to see him when he picks them up so I went to the mall and got my nails and toes done. He sent me 3 text messages while I was there. didn't respond until I was done. He text me that he was at the house and kids were gone would i be home soon. I text him that I would be home soon - why? he replied that he had to go to work. I asked him what was up? He said I want to see you. I replied...
I don't want to see you.
He text: ever?
I said that I am processing some feelings right now and need to be alone.
He hasn't text back.
It is not healthy for me to be wrapped up in his lies.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
The "ever" is interesting. It seems like he's looking for you to make a decision. Don't let him push you into that. Your answer was terrific. Succinct and not an all or nothing response.
I think what might feel strange to you is that you are starting to feel a tiny bit empowered and in the mindset to take back some control over what happens to you and it's foreign to you. Stay with it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
... it's one of the stages.