It is a hard call to make. That's why I think each person has to take their own stitch into consideration. I am a firm believer that women have to respect their H's in order to love them. Holding that hard line "can" bring about that respect, but usually....if you tell her that she has to choose right then between OM & you.....it's going to bring forth a lot of anger from her (and usually the H is angry when he gives the ultimatum), and since the WAW is already in rebellion, she will choose OM just to prove you can't control her.
You have to do what you feel is right in your stitch, and decide what's more important to you. Nobody else can do it, but you. Maybe your pride is more important. Maybe you feel your self-respect is getting trampled on b/c you are living under the same roof as your W--while she's in an A with OM. If so, then you may want to use the hard line approach b/c of what's most important to you. However, based on the majority of threads I've read here on DB....be prepared for the worst. If you throw any ultimatums out there....you better be prepared to back them up.
OTOH, if above everything else, you are willing to give your S time, and you can keep your dignity & hold your head up--while you apply the LRT....then you might have a good shot. But, I don't believe anyone has a shot if they act like a doormat. I said "act" like a doormat! Using the LRT is not being a doormat, and I wish more people could see that. It is the best way if you are still under the same roof, IMO.
Of course, there comes a time that the LBH can no longer endure and feels he must tell his W to make her choice and abide by that accordingly. Such is the case with "gutwrenching". Perhaps Punchy would want to read his threads. That's why nobody else can tell you how long to wait. You will know when it's time.
One of you lives under the same roof with his W, and the other one is S from his W. So, how you deal with it would probably be different. Anyway, I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm saying. I've seen some cases where men took the hard line approach and lost their W's. I think it was b/c they were not prepared and acted too fast before getting all the information they needed. So, the W leaves and then he's devastated b/c he thought she'd run back into his arms.
I have had to back up more than once and try to look at some of these stories and realize that everyone can't do the very same thing. That's why what I say may differ from one person to the next. I hope it doesn't sound as if I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. They have to do what is right for them. All we have is your side of the story. You know your W and your story better than we do.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
