They don't get it, until they get it

[Sanderika]

Hello Ladies,

I think in the beginning the OW are a spontaneous diversion that
quickly becomes addictions. They serve a purpose to the MLC male as an escape from the obligations and sometimes mundane life they have found themselves tied to. Add an awakening moment where they have to face their own mortality and kaboom!

What frequently happens though is these guys find themselves "in love" with these OW. "In love" as defined by their messed up thinking. It will never be an unconditional love like they had with us. OW always have conditions.

Since a MLC male is h*ll bent on freedom and selfishness and living as a 17 year old again, the OW fill the prescription very nicely.

In the beginning these relationships are a rush. As time wears on and the OW become more and more demanding and controlling and psychotic (yes!), the MLC male is very slow to realize he has got himself in one heck of a mess.

Problem is that he cannot break free from his new found lifestyle as hard as he may try for a variety of reasons (pride, ego, OW won't let go). Thus the bouts begin of clarity and foggy visions that continuously have them in turmoil.

Most of these relationships do not last. They have been built on lies and cheating. Insecurity and trust issues will be the end of it sooner or later.

I was not one who denied my H a relationship. For us it was a necessary ingredient to achieve the friendship we now have. Back in 2005 the days were filled with hatred and anger. In the beginning of 2006 we began to re-create a friendship, I am grateful for this in so many ways as I think we are better off for it today. When we started to rebuild our relationship the situation with the OW had not gone too far. Before the middle of 2006 that relationship had taken on a life of it's own. She is still in the picture.

I do not advocate having relations with a WS as a method to reconcile. I believe it is at the discretion of the individuals involved to decide if this is right or wrong for them.

In hindsight, the path I chose which I was certain would save my marriage did not. I am not going to have any regrets. That would be counterproductive to all that I have learned on this journey.

I am now beginning to believe that the only way to reconciling is to "let them go" and live "as if" right from the start. The sooner the LBS learns to assume the role that the marriage is not going to be repaired the sooner the WAS will feel the pain of having left something wonderful behind and only then after huge amounts of time has passed will it be possible to heal that which has been broken.

In my situation, once the OW had gotten a stronghold it was too late to save the marriage as it was. I still tried to DB like crazy. Without an OW in the picture, the marriage stands a far better chance at recovery. If I had this part to do over, I guess I would have given up then and stopped fighting it.

Sorry if this reads a bit scattered. I typed it out in haste.

Sanderika