Beatrice, thanks so much. That was really helpful.
I have successfully pulled myself out of this depression cycle. I ended up driving to a used book store today and getting a lot of terrific books (I read one already which is really cool/inpiring and keeps talking about living in the present--The Alchemist if you're interested) and having a lovely lunch by myself in a restaurant near the bookstore. I also got myself a really cool teapot and teacup and some incense and came home and had a wonderful session of reading and a nap. I just feel calmed down now. I also ordered some books Eric and others have recommended on codependency and detachment and overcoming abandonment. These books all look like they're about recovery and taking care of yourself and I think at this point I need to stop focusing on the "why" and such (which I do when I read stuff on MLC) and just chalk it up to I know "why" in as much detail as I ever will, and there is no point to going back there any more. I have to just be in the present.
My girlfriend gave me a mantra that she uses any time she feels herself slipping into the pain of her past. She says "that way madness lies." It's from King Lear. The context of the quote is that when we get our minds wrapped up in something we can't change from our past it threatens to destroy us in the here and now. So when I feel myself drawn into thinking about him, I just keep repeating that phrase. It's madness to continue down that path anymore.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hi, I read the Alchemist, and found it helpful at the time. It said what I needed to hear then. I agree about not continuing to focus on the why, although it continues to reassure me that this is not about me at all, and I shouldn't take all the nutterguff seriously. Because it is nutterguff, all of their speeches and self dramatization, and self deception.
It is never OK to leave your partner for someone else. It is actually bad for all parties concerned. It isn't just a moral issue, although it is a terrible act of betrayal. If there are problems in a relationsihp you deal with those, and either work on the marriage with professional help if necessary, or you separate and sort yourselves out.
Unless and until these people sort out their problems they are actually bad for us, and we should stay out of their way. Real change and recovery is unambiguous imo.
One of the things that time changes is that you get to a point where you can 'safely' revisit the past. For a long time there were memories I couldn't deal with or go back to. Christmas was really hard. Now it is fine. I can think 'we did this' and it is OK. I didn't want to lose my past, which was very happy, and I felt resentful about the loss. To some extent it is our choice to recover, but just as we cannot will a broken leg to recovery so our emotional selves take time to heal. We can do the emotional equivalent of taking care of ourselves, doing the exercises etc, but the dimension of time is a reality in all true recovery.
You know deep down you will be fine, the reality is your husband will not be, even if he builds a future with this woman, because he still has not addressed his issues. And so you are better off without who he has chosen to become. Facing this reality is hard, especially when we see the 'shell' we loved so much. I do better when I have nothing whatsoever to do with him, This is easier when we don't have children, or our children are adults. I believe those who are obliged to have contact because of their children have the toughest time of all,
You're right, I could see his unaddressed issues creeping through when I saw him the other day. For the second time, he brought up the fact that my parents/family did not contact him when he left last year for the first time. To me, why would they? They saw him as having abandoned me out of the blue. They were beyond angry. I said "why would you even have wanted them to contact you" and he said last time "they just should have" and this time "we needed a mediator." Well, parents aren't mediators. They're biased. That was just something to say on his part. But then he said "look, my parents are awful, but yours aren't too great either because they wrote me off."
I mean, this is crazy talk. I didn't leave, I didn't have the affair, I didn't sleep with a person 15 years younger while legally married and trot the person around as my boyfriend. He did this. And his parents since then have not said a word to me and refused to answer when I reached out. That's very different from my parents not reaching out to him.
And in the context of this, he said that "of course you know my mom, she loves the OW, and she even thinks we're going to give her grandkids but she's wrong." I was up front about not having kids. From that day on she hated me. Apparently OW has told my H that she doesn't want them but has been mum to the parents.
In any case, it's clear to me that since he has been estranged from his family all our marriage that he figures she can bring it back to him and make him feel loved by them again. But if they only love your GF/only love you because of your GF, that's not any more real than before. He has to know that deep down that it's still not about him. And I think this stuff is so at the core of it and he is blind to it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia - this is the type of garbage they spout. My h told me how much more welcoming OW's family was to him than his own. I mildly pointed out that the situation was somewhat different [didn't add that since OW makes a habit of this - her three kids all have different fathers and she always has a man in her life - they probably had to become used to any new man]
The point is that reality doesn't really impact on these guys. The world is the way they feel it should be. The family he has abandoned all ought to be cheering him on, right?
My mother's death was one of my h's MLC triggers, I believe. I also suspect he would never have dared to leave me while she was alive! His own mother gave him a very very hard time, as I am one of the unsual ones on the boards whose MIL supported her. Sadly she died with them unreconciled. One of the many reasons why I think my h will remain stuck.
