Hi, I read the Alchemist, and found it helpful at the time. It said what I needed to hear then. I agree about not continuing to focus on the why, although it continues to reassure me that this is not about me at all, and I shouldn't take all the nutterguff seriously. Because it is nutterguff, all of their speeches and self dramatization, and self deception.
It is never OK to leave your partner for someone else. It is actually bad for all parties concerned. It isn't just a moral issue, although it is a terrible act of betrayal. If there are problems in a relationsihp you deal with those, and either work on the marriage with professional help if necessary, or you separate and sort yourselves out.
Unless and until these people sort out their problems they are actually bad for us, and we should stay out of their way. Real change and recovery is unambiguous imo.
One of the things that time changes is that you get to a point where you can 'safely' revisit the past. For a long time there were memories I couldn't deal with or go back to. Christmas was really hard. Now it is fine. I can think 'we did this' and it is OK. I didn't want to lose my past, which was very happy, and I felt resentful about the loss. To some extent it is our choice to recover, but just as we cannot will a broken leg to recovery so our emotional selves take time to heal. We can do the emotional equivalent of taking care of ourselves, doing the exercises etc, but the dimension of time is a reality in all true recovery.
You know deep down you will be fine, the reality is your husband will not be, even if he builds a future with this woman, because he still has not addressed his issues. And so you are better off without who he has chosen to become. Facing this reality is hard, especially when we see the 'shell' we loved so much. I do better when I have nothing whatsoever to do with him, This is easier when we don't have children, or our children are adults. I believe those who are obliged to have contact because of their children have the toughest time of all,
