On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[Denver_2010]

Response to Gritter from my other thread:

Originally Posted By: Denver (on other thread)
"I just don't see how this can be fixed... how things can ever be comfortable again"


"I can identify with how this makes you feel. You want to fight back and convince her not to think that way.

The first thing you must begin to understand here and pretty quick

YOU CANNOT CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON

Validating her feelings is not agreeing with her. It is merely recognizes that she has them and that you are listening.

But you really aren't listening. You are defending yourself and trying to convince her her feelings are wrong or misguided."

I am trying to focus on JUST validating her feelings when we do have contact, which is rare, and when those talks turn to R, which is even more rare right now. It is just a struggle bc obviously my goal in coming here to this site, like everyone else, was to save M. As I'm sure that you know Gritter, it is difficult to swallow the fact that we CAN'T control our Ws, the choices that they make, or the situation in general. They are driving this runaway train that we are on and it is scary to accept they may choose to drive it straight into a mountain.

"You have admitted to some things about yourself that you say your W may have complaint."

Absolutely. That makes this even harder. If I truly believed that I had been a good H to my W, I would feel less guilt, less need to fix things as Sandi has pointed out. I was NOT a good H though. Depression and other issues caused me to be, really, a WAH who had not consciously walked away. In many ways, I abandoned our M. It took her leaving me to wake up. I see that now. And DAMN do I wish that I had realized it sooner.

"I would say to you that you need to dig deeper there. You kept these relationships with other woman she did not know.

How do you think that made her feel? Ok valid?

Now the big question is why Denver? Why did YOU choose that?"

Bc I was an insecure idiot who followed his ego's lead?? I'm really learning some stuff about myself by just writing here and responding to some questions. It is easy to be honest with everyone here... and honest with myself.

Truth be told, when I met W I was not in a good position to be entering into a R. Like you Gritter, and I hope that you don't mind me mentioning this in my thread, I had not dealt with some issues that I had that were the result of another previous R some years before. In fact, I think that some of my issues go back to about 1994.

Anyway, I wasn't in a good place to enter into the R with my W. I had been single for a while. Built up a nice network of ex gfs and female friends. When W entered into picture, I didn't want to give that up. Why? Fear of losing my independence. Fear of what would happen if my R with W, then GF, didn't work out. And again, fear of what my friends might think. Would they think that I was becoming soft, or the house cat that I always had playfully described my married friends? My ego and insecurities drove a lot of my choices.

What hurts as bad as anything that i am going through right now Gritter is the realization that these choices hurt my W more than I ever realized or cared to realize. These choices caused much more damage than I ever dreamed that they could. Damage that lasted years. Damage that accumulated over time, to the point that W couldn't deal with anymore. This hurts more than anything.

"Also do you think taking up with other women whether physical or just emotional is helping you in trying to save your M?"

No. Of course not. It is just feeding my ego. Filling the void that I feel from my W being gone, from her finally rejecting me.

I just wish that W could here your words where it comes to OM right now. I wish that i could send a link to the website to her. I wish that she were trying to learn from situation rather than temporarily and falsely feeding the void that she has felt in M. I know Gritter, I cannot control what she does. I can wish can't I?

"I am not here to kick you in the cowboys but you need to look at the whys of the what you are doing and have done."

I deserve to be kicked in the cowboys Gritter. I appreciate you and Sandi's pointed questions. They are helping me process here.

"Your SS. This is going to be difficult for you to get a grip on. I know you feel the need to try to rescue him. Why force his father to see him? Why force anything here Denver?

You care about him. You want him to know that you have not abandoned him.

Tell your W that is important to you and that under the circumstances you want to repsect her wishes and what she ultimately sees as best for her son.

Don't push on this issue. Letting her know you repsect her judgment on that may go a long way or it won't. Either way ultimately you have no say in the matter I am afraid."

My W knows how I feel about SS. But one of her complaints about me was that I didn't spend enough time with him. That I didn't step up enough in the role of step father for him. This is one of my 180s. And she seems to be okay with me having a role in his life right now. I will, of course, respect any and all of her wishes here. He is her son and I understand that I need to respect how she feels.

But I'm going to try to stay connected to him as long as she's good with me seeing him and being part of his life. I've failed with my family enough already. I would never be able to look myself in the mirror if I abandoned SS bc of my W and I's issues. I will be there for him as a friend, a step father, or whatever as long as he wants me to be.

Why did I assist W in getting SS's father to be a part of his life? Bc I am a fixer Gritter. I am a rescuer. Again, I may be plagerizing some things from your thread here, but I learned so much by reading it. One thing that I learned is that I feel a need to rescue people. My W was a struggling single mom when I first met her. I took the role of trying to fix her life and the life of my SS. Unfortunately, taking on that role ended up biting me in the ars bc I became judgmental of W on some things and she ultimately resented me for some of these things.

All of the following way prior to us getting married... I saw a situation where W was struggling with son who was having emotional problems. Problems that therapist was telling her was partly result of his father's absence. In addition, father wasn't paying what he should have been in child support. All of this was causing W to struggle and suffer as mom and as provider for her son. She couldn't afford lawyer to deal with situation, so I did got one for her. I wanted to rescue her and SS.

"When you interact with your W you say it is diffucult and you takes backward steps.

Then don't interact with her. Don't be mean or spiteful. Respond to her for whatever it is that she is contacting you about. Do it in email or text if you have to.

You must begin to detach and most importantly stop focusing on your W and every little word that comes out of her mouth."

I read this all of the time Gritter, but I struggle to see how M will be fixed if I detach too much. Isn't that what W is doing? Detaching from me? Isn't that why I hear from her so rarely? If we both detach, what chance does M have? I KNOW what you are saying, what MWD says, but it is so against my instinct here that it is very difficult.

n"If you look at your M and in the mirror today are you happy with the man you were and are. Are you proud of the husband you have been?"

No.

"Start asking yourself those questions.

Then undertsand that what you choose from this point on is for you. Whether you decide to stand in your M or not.

Do it for you. Not for what your W has chosen or not chosen. Not for what she has said or not said.

In fact you will see it may be in spite of what she is telling you and doing in your M right now."

Can you clarify what you mean by this "in spite of what she is telling..."????

"That is the place of strength you must conquer your fears and doubts to get to.

And maybe. Your W will want that man back in her life."

I want to be there and am trying. Thanks Gritter for you thoughtfulness.