She has been involved with him for about 18 months. It has been only 5 weeks since I confronted her about OM. How much time should I give her? If you keeps seeing him doesn't that just prolong things?
She has been involved with him for about 18 months. It has been only 5 weeks since I confronted her about OM. How much time should I give her? If you keeps seeing him doesn't that just prolong things?
Of course it prolongs things Punchy. This goes back to the question that I posed on the other thread. Hard line approach vs. Wait patiently approach. It is a tough call. Sandi gave me a good answer though. If I want to hasten a D, then do the hard line. I think that I agree with that. We can't force our Ws to do anything. At least I know that I can't. I wish that I knew what to tell you (and myself) Punchy. Hang in there.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks for the response Denver. I decided to continue with the wait and see approach. I need to put my personal needs aside for the benefit of the kids. Every day that we are still together as a family is better for them and allows me more time to show her that I have made permanent changes.
No sense pushing her off the ledge into something that maybe in the end neither of us wants. I was able to do some further checking of her text messages and I came across one that although cryptic in nature, implied that she is pulling away from the EA and is in mourning because of it. Whether they can keep the EA ended is up for discussion if they continue to communicate etc.
My guess is that she has told him that she is staying for the benefit of the kids and not because she wants to be with me. Knowing my wife, she hasn't told me this because even though she maybe staying she will want to continue living as roommates, which she knows is something I do not want.
That is fine with me, because as long as she stays in the home, I have a better chance of turning things around. Good luck with your decision as well. This is a tough place to be in.
No sense pushing her off the ledge into something that maybe in the end neither of us wants. I was able to do some further checking of her text messages and I came across one that although cryptic in nature, implied that she is pulling away from the EA and is in mourning because of it. Whether they can keep the EA ended is up for discussion if they continue to communicate etc.
That sounds like good news Punchy. Everything on here leads me to believe that this is a process and that this is just one of the first steps in that process. The end of EA for whatever reason first. Then, the grieving process.
Originally Posted By: punchy
My guess is that she has told him that she is staying for the benefit of the kids and not because she wants to be with me. Knowing my wife, she hasn't told me this because even though she maybe staying she will want to continue living as roommates, which she knows is something I do not want.
That is fine with me, because as long as she stays in the home, I have a better chance of turning things around.
Exactly. Right now, who cares about the "why" of her choice. Obviously, we'd prefer it to be bc they realize what wonderful men and partners we are, but it is not realistic to expect that under these circumstances.
The bottom line is that IF you are right, and your W has chosen to stay in M, you WILL have a chance to make her fall back in love with you. IMO. I'd expect it to take time though. She is going to have to grieve end of EA. After that, assuming you continue with 180s and being a great dad, why wouldn't she have a an open mind and a willing heart to fall back in love with you?
I'm really trying to be positive today Punchy!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think that if my wife really wanted a divorce then she would have left along time ago. I maybe wrong, but if after 18 months of being emotionally involved with another man and she still doesn't know what she wants then I think this is good for our family.
In some respects, I have been luckier than most here, because when the Bomb was dropped on me it wasn't that my wife wanted a divorce and was already out the door. She knew that I was no longer the man she had married but wasn't sure what her next steps were going to be because of her loyalty to our kids.
By me being able to make permanent changes which I have demonstrated over the past 14 months, her ending the marriage now would make her the bad guy and not me given her EA and unwillingness to work on the marriage etc. She probably would have been better off leaving me 14 months ago when I was the angry jerk and the obvious bad guy.
As much as I would like the immediate personal satisfaction that the hard-line discussion would generate, it would not be good long term. I have survived the last 14 months, and if I look back and compare I think I am in a better place than I was 14 months ago re the following:
1) I have made permament changes that have improved who I am as a father and person.
2) My wife and I actually communicate more now then we did in the months leading up to the Bomb dropping.
3) My wife's EA has been confirmed and exposed. Her fantasy world has been turned upside down.
4) I have a better relationship with my children thanks to this process.
5) I have a better chance of getting my wife back now then I had back then. It may not be much of a chance, but it is still better than none.
Hopefully this will be helpful to others. Will continue to post as this "process" continues to unfold with all of its twists and turns.
It is a hard call to make. That's why I think each person has to take their own stitch into consideration. I am a firm believer that women have to respect their H's in order to love them. Holding that hard line "can" bring about that respect, but usually....if you tell her that she has to choose right then between OM & you.....it's going to bring forth a lot of anger from her (and usually the H is angry when he gives the ultimatum), and since the WAW is already in rebellion, she will choose OM just to prove you can't control her.
You have to do what you feel is right in your stitch, and decide what's more important to you. Nobody else can do it, but you. Maybe your pride is more important. Maybe you feel your self-respect is getting trampled on b/c you are living under the same roof as your W--while she's in an A with OM. If so, then you may want to use the hard line approach b/c of what's most important to you. However, based on the majority of threads I've read here on DB....be prepared for the worst. If you throw any ultimatums out there....you better be prepared to back them up.
OTOH, if above everything else, you are willing to give your S time, and you can keep your dignity & hold your head up--while you apply the LRT....then you might have a good shot. But, I don't believe anyone has a shot if they act like a doormat. I said "act" like a doormat! Using the LRT is not being a doormat, and I wish more people could see that. It is the best way if you are still under the same roof, IMO.
Of course, there comes a time that the LBH can no longer endure and feels he must tell his W to make her choice and abide by that accordingly. Such is the case with "gutwrenching". Perhaps Punchy would want to read his threads. That's why nobody else can tell you how long to wait. You will know when it's time.
One of you lives under the same roof with his W, and the other one is S from his W. So, how you deal with it would probably be different. Anyway, I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm saying. I've seen some cases where men took the hard line approach and lost their W's. I think it was b/c they were not prepared and acted too fast before getting all the information they needed. So, the W leaves and then he's devastated b/c he thought she'd run back into his arms.
I have had to back up more than once and try to look at some of these stories and realize that everyone can't do the very same thing. That's why what I say may differ from one person to the next. I hope it doesn't sound as if I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth. They have to do what is right for them. All we have is your side of the story. You know your W and your story better than we do.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. At this time I am not using the LRT. That approach seemed to be too much how I acted in the past. If I were to adopt that approach then I fear that it would be seen as "more of the same" behaviour.
So at this time, I continue to try and engage her after work to see how her day went, try and do nice things for her, run errands that make her life easier and give her whatever level of support I can. Maybe this is not the best approach???
If I stopped doing those things, I fear that she would interpret this as me going back to the way I used to be, very selfish and self-centered.
Like you say, each situation is unique and needs to have its own approach.
So are you seeing positive results from your approach? That is a key factor, Punchy. It doesn't have to be an over-night big step, but as long as you can see small baby steps that's positive, then you have a pretty good idea you're doing something right.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am seeing some small improvements in the relationship so it is positive. Most importantly, my wife has acknowledged the changes that I have made. I just need to keep doing them and at some point she may come back around.
Regarding GAL, it looks like my wife maybe taking the same approach. She is now focusing on working out, taking music lessons and taking an evening course. Not sure what this means in terms of the relationship if we are both doing the GAL plan.
Maybe another sign that she is staying around and this is her way of coping with the current situation. I would be interested in hearing from anyone with respect to how long it was that they DB'd until their wife came around and made a committment to work on the marriage.
I don't see alot of success stories on this board, so it maybe that most LBS simply run out of gas and pull the plug because they cannot keep up the effort and receive nothing in return. I recall reading something in a marriage book where one of the suggestions was to spend an entire month where the focus of everything you do is on your spouse. The author tried this and indicated that at the end of the month she was absolutely exhausted from the constant effort and focus. I can't imagine what her comment would be if she had to do it for a year or more like those of us who are tying to save our marriages.
a marriage book where one of the suggestions was to spend an entire month where the focus of everything you do is on your spouse.
But that is not a healthy relationship, Punchy. I think your W wants to have other things in her life that doesn't involve you....and you should have thing without her. Being attentive is one thing, but smothering a person is going overboard.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
