On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[Denver_2010]

I don't think you have much patient, Denver, b/c I was responding to your old thread and you started a new one b/c you didn't think the other was getting enough attention.

LOL... Absolutely right Sandi... Patience is something I am working on.

Anyway, one of your problems is that you are sitting there waiting for her while she's doing whatever. As a man, you feel that you must do something to fix this.

Yep. Not only bc I am a man, but bc I feel so responsible for it happening in the first place. I am also working on accepting that I cannot change the past. Needless to say, it is hard. I was not a good H to my W. That is hard to accept. I do not handle failure well and haven't experienced a whole lot of it in my life except with my personal relationships. Why? Bc they have NEVER been my number one priority. I always thought that they were, but work with IC and self reflection over past 2 months has allowed me to see how career has always been my first priority. My words were "W and SS are my #1 priority in life" and that's what I believed. My actions showed otherwise. Actions speak louder than words.

I also thought that I was showing W and SS that they were my #1 priority in life by making sure that our family was financially secure and by making sure that they had the best 'stuff' in life. Unfortunately, this led me to where I am now. I definitely need/needed to reexamine my beliefs on priorities in life.

Your statement that I am just sitting here waiting is also true to some degree. I really have been working on GAL and doing 180s. But I also haven't let go of my worry and thoughts of what W is doing. And if I am being truthful, I haven't let go of the thought that my life is empty and my actions are meaningless until W and SS return. I know that I need to let this go. I wish it were as easy to do as it is to write down here.

You are hearing different schools of thought and doubting your process. I understand that. I have had a change of mind while I've been on the boards too. I still see each stitch as separate issues and how they should be dealt. I'm not totally divorced from the hard line school, but here is what I've tried to take into account just the past couple of months. You can give her the ultimatum of choosing you or OM, but you better be ready to get divorced b/c that's what happens in most cases. You can keep your pride or self-respect in tact....but lose your M.

This is where my situation is Sandi. I actually have no idea where my W is in R with OM. I am assuming the worst and hoping for the best. And truth be told, I would still be VERY surprised if it has progressed to PA or R bw them. I know others are laughing at that last statement, but I know my W very well. It would be SO against her principles that it would still surprise me. On the other hand, I know that I have inflicted some serious wounds to my W over the years and especially the past 10 months. These wounds have caused her to doubt her faith in me and our M. They very well may also cause her to doubt her own principles. And, either way, she is, IMO, not thinking rationally. The bottom line is that I simply don't know what is going on. And I'm afraid to know... I'm afraid to face myself and the choice I may have re my ability to forgive her for what may be going on. There is lots of "assuming" going on in my head right now. I need to get rid of it!

OTOH, you can take your focus off of her and realize that she has separated from you and thinks you have no say in what she does. So, you can go dark, drop the rope and live your life as if she's not coming back. I'm not saying to file for D, just live your life. If you do this, there is a chance the A will die and she'll see your changes and want to go back and work on the M. In this case, you have your new changes and a new shot at a new R with your W.

This is my choice Sandi. It is harder at times than others though. I wish I could get rid of the self doubt that I feel at times (like the past 48 hours).

So, I'm not telling you which way you need to go, but I can almost guarantee what will happen if you give her an ultimatum. Yes, an A is the ultimate disrespect. I also believe that a woman has to respect her H before she can have loving feelings toward him. Right now, your W is too confused to know what she feels. How long did you disrespect her by continuing your excluded friendships? Not accusing, just saying that you need to look at this both ways.

I agree, she is confused. Despite her insistence that she is 'done', I really do feel that W is unsure of her choices right now.

I also agree with you that I disrespected W and our M for a long time. And I know that you are not accusing... you are being truthful and upfront with me. This is what I need.

The one question that I have from your post is this, can my W respect me when I am NOT taking the hard line approach re OM? When I just don't say anything about it at all? I'm pretty sure she knows that I don't approve just from how I initially reacted. And I know that W knows that it would hurt me tremendously if I knew PA or R is occurring. Just to clarify, I do not approve of EA which I know either occurred or is actively occurring. But W did not see it as A so she may not be thinking in those terms.