DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[InAPickle]

Hearing it from the W is bad enough, but reading things I shouldn't be reading and seeing it to other people I think is worse. I saw a text from my W to my SIL where my SIL was asking about what to get me for Christmas, my W tells her to get me a 2 bit so that I leave her alone. Then I read an email to her and they were talking about a night they are planning out in a couple weeks when I am watching my daughters. Now that we don't live together her comment was something like now that she is single and I am watching the D, she doesn't have to get permission from 'the bastard' to go out. Now that was downright painful to read. Granted, I shouldn't have been snooping, but what is that all about?

It didn't take me much snooping before I realized it was making me miserable.
If you're in a "no fault" state like me, it's just a waste of time, because affairs hardly matter at all.
I also realized that I am a much more attractive and fun person to be around when I am happy.
Snooping will make you miserable b/c you never find anything "good."
It's you're mood.
Those are just the facts man.

[ScaredinCanada]

It's funny, my W told me today that the sitch is really hard on her and she is "struggling to fake it with me". Which is just crazy, because she basically just ignores me.

I need to just leave her alone and let her work through it. Like I said before their isn't OM. I'm confident of that, but at the same time I know that part of her fog is "my dream man is out there".

If she actually does leave I have no idea what's gonna happen. She told me she might just move away somewhere were housing is cheaper. Which I told her she can't do that and take the kids away from me (she knows I'm stuck pretty much in our area because of my job), so she changed her stance and said she won't do that.

It's really funny when I think about (and she's said it too), that our life has been pretty damn good. We've been healthy, kids are healthy, done well financially, we live in a beautiful house in a quite community (where she's always wanted to live) but somehow this "fantasy" she's in she sees so much more possibility in the world - for all of her dreams to come true.

At this point I am starting to look forward to the day when I'm actually content with her out of my life, because I believe I will really need my strength as I honestly think she'll be back when she regrets what she's done - I want to be in a good mental state to make a decision that's best for ME.

[ScaredinCanada]

I forgot to mention, I tried to apologize this morning for the "you don't care about me, just get out of my life" comment. She didn't even acknowledge it. I'm sure she heard it, but I guess it's just her way to show me she's annoyed.

I just don't understand what she expects me to do?

She asked me the other day "why do you still love me?" I told her I couldn't fully explain it except to say that I think she is a great person, mother and that she used to make me feel complete. I had asked her then about trying to date, to work on getting some feelings back, but of course she said she has no interest.

[tjack45]

At this point I am starting to look forward to the day when I'm actually content with her out of my life, because I believe I will really need my strength as I honestly think she'll be back when she regrets what she's done - I want to be in a good mental state to make a decision that's best for ME.

This is great! The moment you actually let go is when you finally gain control. Keep working towards this.

[habitacker]

This is where I struggle. I can't picture being content. I want the perfect family I have now. I can never have that again if this M ends. This is the only woman I will have kids with. I don't care what anyone says, there is no way to be content with this.

[InAPickle]

This is where I struggle. I can't picture being content. I want the perfect family I have now. I can never have that again if this M ends. This is the only woman I will have kids with. I don't care what anyone says, there is no way to be content with this.

Perhaps "content" is not the best word to use.
In my sitch, the person I am married to is not the sweet person I married.
It would not be totally horrible for me not to be around her.
The way I see it is that aliens have abducted the sweet person and replaced her with a someone else.
So I would not be "content" but it wouldn't be horrible.

[tjack45]

This is where I struggle. I can't picture being content. I want the perfect family I have now. I can never have that again if this M ends. This is the only woman I will have kids with. I don't care what anyone says, there is no way to be content with this.

Habit let's break down this statement into reality

I can't picture being content. Just because you can't picture it doesn't mean it won't happen. This is what faith is all about man. Believe without seeing man. Positive thinking WILL change this. YOU WILL be content someday soon regardless of how your sitch turns out guaranteed.

I want the perfect family I have now. Your family as it stands may be perfect individually, but it just isn't working as a unit, you aren't all on the same page, it's not perfect.

I can never have that again if this M ends. No, you won't in the typical sense of word family. However, If you own your mistakes, make amends the best you can, become the man you want to be and it still doesn't work, what more can you honestly do. You can't carry a burden like that forever man, if it doesn't pan out you forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes and move on with your life.

I don't care what anyone says, there is no way to be content with this. Spot on man, it's totally up to you how you wish to live your life. I for one am going through with an unwanted divorce and their have already been many day's where I couldn't imagine being any happier. Sure I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but you can CHOOSE to either let it ruin you.....or make it into the best thing that ever happened to you. I for one am choosing the latter.

[habitacker]

I try to look at it that way, but my wife is still the same nice sweet person she was when I married her. Maybe a little cold at the moment.

It is me who was the problem in the marriage. If she would be having an A, or turned into a completely different person, maybe I would be feeling different. But I am grateful this isn't true.

[MrBond]

That interaction between your mother and your W. Do you get along with your mother?

[ScaredinCanada]

That interaction between your mother and your W. Do you get along with your mother?

For sure. I haven't had any sort of R issues specifically with my M. The only problem I've had with both my parents isbeing able to confront them with a problem, or a something that they may disagree with. I have some sort of self-esteem issue with requiring my parents approval (I don't want to let them down or have them be disappointed in me).

Now let me state, this is a SUB-CONSCIOUS thing - it's something that is going on in my head that prevents me from doing the needful.

I started to deal with that shortly before Christmas when I sat down with my parents and explained the issue to them, to which they said standard stuff like "you can always talk to us, we are here for you" and "you never have to be worried about what you tell us, we love you regardless".

Just like everyone else they didn't understand that it's something that's in my make up it's simply something I've choosen to do.

Like I said, I'm taking the steps to move past this and part of it was flat out telling my parents they get all of me from now on, that I would fight the urge to hold back when something would be difficult to tell them.

My W also having the conversation, the telling my M how she felt betrayed and hurt by her also helped - although again I'm not sure if my M acknowledges it. She's had a lot of issues with her family, she didn't talk to her M for years, and still does speak with a couple of her sisters. So R mess is the norm for her.

My lack of ability to support my W, and put my mother in her place when necessary has really hurt my M. I've told my mother that I am really hurt by the fact that she's played a part in destroying my M.