I'm trying hard. But I have to admit, my ego is taking a real beating and I'm fighting all the voices in my head saying "if he loved you, he wouldn't have joined a dating site" and "if he loved you, he would've come got you in the rain" and the loudest "he messes up, he gets angry, threatens divorce and you bend over backwards to save it. That's messed up!". Ugh. I still need to work on me regardless of this marriage. I have major trust issues.
I have to say... this is all exhausting....
Tell me about it. It is VERY exhausting. The way that I look at it is if I save my M and if ME and my M become stronger as a result of it, then it will be worth it. If not, then I did everything that I could to save M and I still became stronger as a result.
Those voices in your head I think are normal. I've been battling them bigtime all weekend. Feeling like the doormat. There have been some posts on here, one definitely from Sandi, saying that we are only a doormat if we allow ourselves to feel that way. One thing that helped me was to read Truegritter's thread. It is very long, but it details his journey and how he came to resolve some of the feelings of the LBS. Why are we fighting for our M? Are we doing it for our S or for ourselves? What do our M vows mean to us? What is the meaning of unconditional love? I have cut and pasted numerous posts throughout my reading of this website. This one, at least this weekend, has meant the most. I hope that Truegritter doesn't mind that I am reposting it without permission... please don't sue me for CR infringement TG. This post hits some of the voices in your head with 2x4 (common term used here that I like)...
There was a part of the LBS stages that hasn't really been debated that I have seen on the recent threads on the topic. It got lost. And I didn't see it in my process until now...
"THE TEMPTATION IN THE FACE OF COMPLETE REJECTION
It is that bargaining process between who you are. YOUR character. VS the EGO or self preservation.
Someone is doing things to you... so naturally you blame them and ask yourself why would I do this for them?
The tempatation is to leave the process...to leave your decision to stand. To leave or try to control your spouse. To attach outcomes to your decision to stand.
This is the step I was missing!
IMO standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout. At least I have up to this point.
You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"
In the beginning we want answers.
Why did this happen?
How could they do this? Who am I? What do I believe in? What do my vows mean to me? Why do I hurt?
And the BIG ONE...
What is it about ME that made them leave?
IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.
At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...
As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...
It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.
Then you start to look inside....
Then you start to see who YOU are...
Then you realize that this is part of YOU
What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...
You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...
It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.
It is about YOU."
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
