I just read your entire thread. I am inspired by your self focus. I have been trying to do the same things, and feel a little selfish at times, and my H seems to swing back and forth. Needing me one day desperately almost, and not the next.
I have also questioned why I should want him back, as I remember all the things I changed for him and it was never enough. And he had a EA/PA. Sometimes I feel anger at him, and wonder if he is doing any soul searching and changing.
Either way, your posts were inspiring and you gave me some strength in reading them. I wonder if my H is using me to when he calls/texts/wants affection, etc. and if it is completely wrong of me to respond at all. At the end of the day, you love who you love, and it is hard to push them away. It is more about feeling like you are giving up on the idea of vows and commitment that mean so much to us. Sometimes I worry that is more feeling like I "failed" at the marriage than it is about wanting him back. Tough thoughts to process.
Be strong, and keep posting. You are helping more than you know. You must trust that when and if you need to make a decisive decision, that your heart will already know the answer. Hopefully your head agrees with it.
