Life got away from me this week with work! Gotta love 14 hour days and meetings every spare moment!!
Anyway, those are good books and I'm glad you found them.
I just wanted to add, that whether we see it or not, both people in the relationship are responsible for the patterns. One person takes action and the other reacts to that, back and forth, back and forth. And it's usually very subtle.
My H for example would ask where do you want to go for dinner? I"d reply Olive Garden, he'd say "I"m not in the mood for pasta, how about we go to Red Robin". He would ask, I'd reply, he'd never want to eat that, and suggest something else. Years of this.
Well, why bother asking if you're always going to throw out my suggestion? Right? He thought he was having a conversation about where to go, and he never realized we always ate where he wanted. I gave up making suggestions and would just reply with I don't care, or I don't know.
Another example is when we would be out shopping and I'd say- Oh that would be great in the kitchen and he'd say, ya but do we really need it? Then a week later go get a new golf club (really, if you have a driver, do you need another????)
Me always being the listener and the smoother over, just let stuff side until I was so miserable I kicked him out.
3 years back together and his old habits are coming back. But last night I spoke up for myself!!! Ya.
Bottom line is my H never new how his words affected me, or were beginning to affect us. Until one day while we were separated and he asked me to dinner and I replied it really didn't matter what I said because he wouldn't want to go there and we'd end up going where he wanted anyway so why bother voicing an opinion when I'd just be discounted. He was stunned.
He does it with movies, vacations, hotels, and even my job now (he keeps trying to get me to teach middle school like him when I'm perfectly happy in elementary school and have been for 15 years)
He thinks he's being helpful and helping me to "be a better me" when in reality all I end up feeling is horrible, unhappy, unvalidated, unsupported, and hopeless.
