Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[sandi2]

Forgot to mention one of the books you are reading, Love
Dare, is very pursuing. I'm not familiar with the other one. I just don't think he needs to be pursued like some of those "love dares" recommend.

[hope2011]

Thank you, Sandi, very much.

Yes, Love Dare is a bit pursuing... I'm not doing everything the book suggests because of that. Mostly taking the day-to-day, focus on positive stuff, focus on my part stuff from it.

You are right, about pretty much everything.

I am working on the respect by being focused. I am battling a lot the fact that right now, he hasn't earned it and doesn't deserve it based on his behavior. So I am focusing on the fact that as a person, as my husband, as the man I married... he should get my respect. Just staying focused on that and praying he returns to the man I respected.

He's not on the computer a lot, just work hours (he works from home). He locks it down while not working, goes to Google when I walk in the room. My XH cheated on-line before his PA. It's been hell reliving all that but I'm focusing on that this time... I have a chance to chance the situation before a PA. I hope. I can at least try. Whatever he does, he does - that's on his heart and conscience... I will be a good wife and will make decisions that I can live with instead of being a complaining shrew who pushes him away. But at the end of the day, I know I can control only me.

For me.... looking for a new office to get out of the house. Losing weight (lost 11 lbs in the past week from stress - need to lose 10 more). Need to work out more. 2 dates with the girls to get out of the house. Reading books I've wanted to read for a while. Making myself get up and get dressed, hair and makeup.... started out for him, now it's for me. I feel better doing that. Getting more organized, getting things in order, working more regular hours. I have a place to move to if we do separate (house-sitting for a relative who is living out of town for his job). I have friends and family who are a good support system. I'm looking for a new church. I'm trying to be more positive.

[what next?]

I tried doing the love dare during the first stages of our separation. I think this was a HUGE mistake because so much of the love dare is exactly that... pursuit.

[Denver_2010]

I'm trying hard. But I have to admit, my ego is taking a real beating and I'm fighting all the voices in my head saying "if he loved you, he wouldn't have joined a dating site" and "if he loved you, he would've come got you in the rain" and the loudest "he messes up, he gets angry, threatens divorce and you bend over backwards to save it. That's messed up!". Ugh. I still need to work on me regardless of this marriage. I have major trust issues.

I have to say... this is all exhausting....

Tell me about it. It is VERY exhausting. The way that I look at it is if I save my M and if ME and my M become stronger as a result of it, then it will be worth it. If not, then I did everything that I could to save M and I still became stronger as a result.

Those voices in your head I think are normal. I've been battling them bigtime all weekend. Feeling like the doormat. There have been some posts on here, one definitely from Sandi, saying that we are only a doormat if we allow ourselves to feel that way. One thing that helped me was to read Truegritter's thread. It is very long, but it details his journey and how he came to resolve some of the feelings of the LBS. Why are we fighting for our M? Are we doing it for our S or for ourselves? What do our M vows mean to us? What is the meaning of unconditional love? I have cut and pasted numerous posts throughout my reading of this website. This one, at least this weekend, has meant the most. I hope that Truegritter doesn't mind that I am reposting it without permission... please don't sue me for CR infringement TG. This post hits some of the voices in your head with 2x4 (common term used here that I like)...

There was a part of the LBS stages that hasn't really been debated that I have seen on the recent threads on the topic. It got lost. And I didn't see it in my process until now...

"THE TEMPTATION IN THE FACE OF COMPLETE REJECTION

It is that bargaining process between who you are. YOUR character. VS the EGO or self preservation.

Someone is doing things to you... so naturally you blame them and ask yourself why would I do this for them?

The tempatation is to leave the process...to leave your decision to stand. To leave or try to control your spouse. To attach outcomes to your decision to stand.

This is the step I was missing!

IMO standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout. At least I have up to this point.

You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"

In the beginning we want answers.

Why did this happen?

How could they do this?
Who am I?
What do I believe in?
What do my vows mean to me?
Why do I hurt?

And the BIG ONE...

What is it about ME that made them leave?

IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.

At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...

As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...

It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.

Then you start to look inside....

Then you start to see who YOU are...

Then you realize that this is part of YOU

What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...

You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...

It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.

It is about YOU."

[sandi2]

Your goals sound great! I am concerned about so much weight loss in one week. You may be dehydrated. Taking good care of yourself is so important.

I hope you will continue to dress and make-up each day....for yourself. I think we gals need to do that b/c it says a lot of what we think of ourselves, you know?

So I am focusing on the fact that as a person, as my husband, as the man I married... he should get my respect. Just staying focused on that and praying he returns to the man I respected.

I think you are very wise in knowing that is where it starts. When he sees you doing this, hopefully, it will encourage him to earn your respect.

[Ruikee]

I think the love dare is great if you just read it. Definitely mostly persuing, but the good thing it teaches you is about unconditional love. Which is something needed when the relationship or marriage is not on the rocks.

[hope2011]

He's been on Match.com and Chemistry.com this whole time. He set up a separate e-mail address. He's not met anyone yet that I can tell but he's trying to set up coffee dates. He's been talking to one woman for a few weeks. He tells her she's beautiful. He hasn't told me that in a year.

I feel sick.

[hope2011]

His profile.... see how a WAS's mind works:

--------------------------------------------

I'm an easy-going guy. Honest, caring, loving, passionate, outgoing, I've listed myself as seperated because NC takes a year to be officially listed as divorced. There are no strings here or drama. I'm very comfortable with myself, a gentleman, loyal, a sense of humor, athletic, energetic, kind, loving, a good conversationalist. Im an executive and what a wirlwind year its been. Today, I try to enjoy the simple things in life like hanging out with friends and family. Im a full blooded man but I like to cook and to dine out, I enjoy great wine and wineries, Mexican and Italian food, a good cocktail, traveling, sporting events(Hurricanes) and concerts, a grill and a fire pit, a great hammock, exercise, I play hockey, golf and coach, I like trying new things(food and travel). Love the beach and the mountains. So many great places to go to in and around the state.

Looking for someone with a good sense of humor..Confidence, driven in the things they do, caring, affectionate. Someone who wants to explore life and share those experiences. A best friend, a cohort in crime and passion.

A woman comfortable going out for a nice dinner or curling up on the sofa with a nice glass of wine, a warm fire, a great movie.....ME.. and a pair of sweatpants? Looking for a great friend to share great times with, a conversation, a woman who can let her hair down at times.. An independent woman, sexy and strong. I stay active in many ways. I'm the great guy next door...hoping to meet the great girl?


--------------------------------------------

LOYAL?!?!?!? And enjoy wine and a movie in sweatpants?!?!? He told me I was slack for doing just that and made me feel like hell about myself. Everything he lists he wants... is ME. But he doesn't want me.

[hope2011]

I'm a wreck, guys, need some support.

He kept the profile up on the dating site, had it hidden. He made the mistake of "winking" at a former co-worker of mine that he hadn't met. She recognized the photo of the dog he put on his profile. My dog. She forwarded it to me and I looked.... our wedding photos with me cropped out. Photos of us on dates with me cropped out. Not a single photo posted that either isn't me cropped out or that I took. His whole profile... ugh. Lies about his age, lies about wanting kids, etc.

I log into his acct, his password is one of our kids names so it wasn't hard. He's sent over 200 msg's to women since the beggining of December. Over 180 "winks". Even while I thought we were doing good, working on things. Aggressively perusing them, complimenting them, telling them things he hasn't told me in so long. Strangers he doesn't even know. This morning, he bought me breakfast up to my office, last night we cuddled on the sofa. Today, I find out he's been trying to set up "coffee dates" as late as yesterday. All sent to a new e-mail I didn't know about with the same easy password.

I changed the passwords. I msg'd every single woman and told them he is still married, I still sleep beside him, I still do his laundry. That his profile is a lie and he's a married man. Asking if they met him in person, to please e-mail me and tell me. I need to know the truth. If he met any of them - I can't keep going on. I'm barely able to keep trying now.

He just got home from picking up the boys from baseball practice. Not one ounce of remorse, he's not sorry at all. Mad at me for "hacking" his profile and e-mail. I "invaded his privacy". No apology, no explanation. Nothing. I didn't lose my temper, raise my voice, accuse him of anything. I just asked him why he did it. No response. He's defensive, even snickering a little. At this moment.... I truly hate him. But I still love him and am wondering what is wrong with ME that I am still here after he repeatedly hurts me and obviously cares nothing about me?

I know, I know, I'm supposed to be focused on me and not what he's doing. But right now.... I just found out and this really hurts.

[Sad_but_happy]

So sorry Hope... Let's face it, this hurts almost to the point of unbarrible. But remember, if you met him today in the street, you would hate him. Realize this; you are lucky because you know the real "him". These other woman are unsuspecting soles because they COULD be stuck with a lying, cheating scum!

Please remember Hope that our spouses are just people. You lived fine before meeting him and you will live fine without him.

It's time to wake him up! Set boundaries! Do not let him sleep next to you! Do not do his laundry! Stop stop stop!!!

He does not respect you! Please stop letting him eat cake. You are beautiful Hope! You are worthy of love! Remember that always!