Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

I guess ok. We spent the past few days putting up decorations in the attic and cleaning. I haven't said 1 negative thing or 1 complaint in 5 days so I'm doing good there. No R talks. He did tell me thank you for all the house stuff I've been doing.... that's a first, he usually never sees or appreciate anything I do around the house and according to his WAS brain last week, I never do anything. The toilets just magically clean themselves. So he's noticing now, which is good. I see him trying in other ways too, like thinking before he talks and making sure that I know when he's huffing and puffing, it's not at me (another first). I know he really listened when we talked this week and took it all to heart. He's always been a good listener... even when I think he's not listening. We even talked about going to the movies last night, but there was nothing playing that either of us really wanted to see.

I think if I stay on this path, we have a good shot. If I can keep my mouth shut and not complain, he won't pull away and will try harder too. If I lose my cool or complain.... he's gone. I know this. He's on the window sill, looking in, seeing it can be nice inside but he's still got a foot on the ledge and will jump at any time. I'm trying hard. But I have to admit, my ego is taking a real beating and I'm fighting all the voices in my head saying "if he loved you, he wouldn't have joined a dating site" and "if he loved you, he would've come got you in the rain" and the loudest "he messes up, he gets angry, threatens divorce and you bend over backwards to save it. That's messed up!". Ugh. I still need to work on me regardless of this marriage. I have major trust issues.

I'm reading DB, DR and also "Love and Respect" and "The Love Dare", 2 Christian books a lot like DB. The respect thing really hit me upside the head... it says that women need love, men need respect. I really haven't respected him, at all. And the 'The Love Dare" from the movie "Fireproof" is great, gives you daily assignments. Hit a wall with today's: "Ask your mate 3 things about you that they don't like". Seriously? I just got a long list the other day.... I am not ready for another list or a R talk yet so just going to continue working on the list I already have. Other than that, it's a good book too. I think all 4 work well together. In my situation anyway.

I have to say... this is all exhausting....