2011 is off to a good start. I won tickets to an expensive musical and am making it a girl's night with a friend that I need to catch up with tonight. I am really looking forward to it.
On Sunday night, H announced he was going home to Detroit for a few days after we went to church together. He's from the Detroit area, where we met, and we moved to my hometown about 10 years ago when he had a job transfer. Over the years, he has brought up visiting home off and on, but rarely followed through with it. We normally go back there together for special occasions or funerals, etc. But he hasn't gone by himself since we were married. The thought of him going back always filled me with anxiety. Maybe he'd run into old girlfriends or cheat on me or any other number of varied horrific things! A bit of that anxiety crept back in at his announcement.
Then, I shook myself. Hello, thatgirl! He cheated on you here. He left you emotionally in 2009 and physically just 3 months ago. The worst has already happened, the other shoe has already hit the floor! And as a matter of fact, what kind of whacked out relationship do you want to be in, where you have to feel anxious about someone going home? If you lived away from your folks, wouldn't you want to go home when you felt like it without an albatross of guilt and doubt hanging around your neck?
It occurred to me that this is one of the things that was wrong in our M before. These crazy, whacked out thoughts and expectations. Mind you, I never voiced my anxiety to my H, but anxiety can be transmitted just by the way your breathing changes, your silence, your body language, you know?
So, I smiled - and it was a genuine smile. Here is an opportunity for H to feel free. Here is an opportunity for me to feel secure - all by myself. Worse case scenario, H connects or hooks up with some other woman, right? Well, been there and done that, cried the tears and visited the souvenir shop. I told H, "I really hope you have fun, you've been wanting to do this for years."
And off he went.
Before I could really miss him, he was texting me. He sent me pics of his old house and his hotel room and his mom and the restaurants we loved. He bought a deli sandwich at a place we absolutely love and texted me about how good it was. I texted back that I really wish I could taste it...something like: I can haz bite?
Do you know what happened? H drove 3 hours straight to bring me that sandwich. He came back to our city days earlier than expected and surprised me by knocking on my door. We spent the next few hours eating and reminiscing and you know what he said?
"Detroit's not the same without you."
Yep. Freedom rocks, you guys. Try it!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
That girl - Although I see so many similarities between our two sitchs, you are way ahead of my game. H left 6 weeks ago. Some interaction including Xmas, but not anything like yours. During 26 years, he also had an EA (always denied it as being PA) and also struggled with my weight gain (first from 2nd child, later due to health conditions). His current EA is with a coworker - he even commented to me about her being a little chubby when he first mentioned his new friend! Looking back I've spent so much time in the cycles you described (H appears to be MLCer), withdrawn then affectionate and me always looking over my shoulder to see if the previous OW was in the picture. The new OW side blinded me.
I'm not as young as you, but I have a lot to learn from your posts. I want to get to your PMA!
Fell, sounds like you've had some positive interactions too. Good luck to both of us and all others on here.
We're all in the same boat! It's just different points in a journey, I guess. Are you taking care of yourself and putting yourself first? Unlike some others here, our H have left the building and I think that really adds a different dynamic to the sitch. When a S leaves, it really gives you the opportunity to focus on yourself - and I don't mean in a selfish or vain way. I just mean, remembering that little girl you were and all the things you loved about life before male-female love ever really became anything more than a vague, sweet notion. Life is about so much more than that!
My best advice to you is to stop looking over his shoulder or even seeking him out. Let him come to you if he comes at all. Feel your feelings, but know that they are nothing more than that and that life keeps moving with or without them. And to have some fun just being you and living the life you have.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Tonight is another hockey night. H and I are going to get together after work. I've been running around like a busybody these past few days and I can not wait to go home and crash! I get to sleep in tomorrow and Friday and I am planning to soak up every moment of it.
H goes back to work from his winter break tomorrow, so our time together should be confined to Thursday mornings and Sundays/Mondays. We'll see how it pans out.
A funny thing happened, I was driving home from the play last night and I looked over and H was in the lane next to mine. We both kind of looked over, did a double take and then started grinning like loons and waving. So, weird!
I also joined a new gym with one of my friends and we're going to really commit to working out 4-5 days a week, which helps with my plans to focus on my health/weight and my writing this year. I have actually gotten started on a new novel, so that's a step in the right direction, too.
I've been too busy to feel lonely in the last few days, but I am hoping things slow down to a more livable pace in the next few days.
Oh, yeah, I got a significant bonus and a raise at work, too!!! With it, I plan to pay off my car loan, splurge on a digital camera and an iPad and then squirrel the rest away into my savings. So, that was a nice boost, too.
Hope everyone is doing well. Feel the bad, but focus on the good!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Hockey was awesome! I picked H up and off we went. Our seats were great and H was in a great mood. It rubbed off on me and I perked up and had a great time, plus our team won.
I was "feeling fat" earlier that day and a little blah, but I still made the effort to put on the boots he got me for Christmas and squeezed into my skinny jeans. I was kind of self-conscious for parts of the night, but I pushed those thoughts aside as best as I could.
H had to work in the morning, so I dropped him off at his place, we kissed a few times, initiated by H, of course. Then, I came home and started my nightly rituals. My phone trilled and I got a text:
U look good in those jeans.
I could only smile and laugh. Life is so funny sometimes. I texted him back and told him the jeans were tight enough to cut off circulation. He replied:
Are u still wearing them?
Suffice it to say, he was back at my place within 15 minutes of sending that text. He asked if he could stay the night and I sent him off to work from my place this morning.
Since he's back to work, I should get a couple of days repreive before I see him again. That will give me some much-needed time to focus on myself. Whew.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I am so happy for your sitch1 I'm planning to go back and read your thread this weekend to see what got you here. I'm sure a major part of it was your PMA!
I am feeling a bit down and ragged today. You know, those days when you just feel like everything is wrong? I keep dwelling on my feelings of how unfair this whole wandering spouse thing is and how tired I am of dealing with it.
When I look back at my H's behavior over the last 13 years, he has really put me through the ringer. I always, always put my best foot forward, honored my marriage vows and believed that the best would happen. I always held on to that youthful niavete that if you did your best, if you were good, then everything would be okay. When I am alone and have time to really think and feel, I realize that much of that youthful belief has been wiped out. It's just gone and in its place, is emptiness. I guess that I should be grateful that it's not filled with bitterness or anger or any other bad thing, but right now, I am feeling the emptiness and I have to say, I don't love it.
But I am still an eternal optimist. And I know that life will move forward, my beliefs might evolve, the tears will fall, but I still get to be me - and what more could I ask for, really?
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
This is a major rant/vent/journal, so keep that in mind.
H is getting on my nerve. I am just SO fed up with being the good girl, giving him the benefit of the doubt, being an unconditional friend, etc., etc. This man is one of the most selfish individuals I have ever met - and why did I marry him?
The thing that is really bugging me at the moment is how good I was/am to him. I know Michele's books talk about making changes to show your spouse that the marriage can be better, but all of my 180s have really been me being a more selfish individual. On the one hand, with his cheating, lying and leaving, getting a bit selfish hasn't been much of a stretch. Still, I've always been a giving person. I always respected him tremendously, worked to build a positive, easygoing relationship with him, matched his sex drive, didn't nag, gave him space when he needed it, got close when he needed it...basically met his needs. When he left, he even said, "My choices are to give up the best woman I'll ever meet and be miserable or stay here and be unhappy with your weight."
This was why it became so freeing for me to let him go. Because I knew I had been an awesome wife, loved him with my whole heart and given 100% of myself to him. I never "let myself go", I've never been thin. I didn't "stop caring about my appearance", but these are the things he said I did. I look and feel great the majority of the time, get plenty of compliments and offers and always have. All because of his own insecurities and his own issues with monogamy, he put a lot of his crap off on me - and more than the infidelity or the coldness, this is what bothers me. To me, this is the ultimate betrayal. In order to deal with his own failings, he convinced himself (and me!) that his failings could be blamed on me. He taught me to question my own self-worth, to feel bad about who I am and to devalue all of the awesome, wonderful, beautiful things that I love about myself.
And this is why I do not want him at home with me right now. When I date him or see him in small stretches, the moody/judgmental/depressed H is nonexistent. I do not know if he will be able to sustain the changes that he's trying to make...or if I can bear the risk of giving myself 100% again to him. These are the things that scare me about reconciling, piecing or whatever...
Of course, none of this feels very fair to me. But that's not what this is all about, is it?
Don't worry, I am just feeling my feelings. I'm not making any plans to act on them at the moment.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Thatgirl - I'm having a bad weekend with my emotions and keeping the faith too. Hang in there.
But I have to say that it starting to sound like you are becoming the WAS. Some of the things that you said about how your H has made you feel could have come out of my W's mouth. For months, I really think that I was the WAS in our M. I didn't leave the home and I didn't tell W that we were separated, but we had very little communication. That's when I believe that my W started feeling like you described in your post... ultimately, she made the decision to leave me. Now, as you can see, I'm desperate to fix things and would give an appendage for a time machine so that I could change some of my horrible choices.
I don't know what to tell you other than you need to go after what you want. That may be a new and improved M with H, or it may be something new and different. But never believe that your H CAN'T change. Take it from me, he can, but it has to be something that he wants for himself as well as the M.
Feel better.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks for the reply, Denver. I hope your sitch improves. The post from yesterday was primarily a vent, just a stating of feelings. I don't think I am becoming the WAS, although I can see how it might look that way. I can also see how the roles could possibly reverse in my marriage M with me being the one to pull back and him wanting to fix things. Ultimately, though, I can't really see myself as a WAS when he's the one that walked away and left me.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
