So today I wake up feeling not so strong, and not so upbeat. In fact, I'm downright depressed. Last night I got a text from H asking when our previously planned vacation with friends and their kids was scheduled (already rented a house in Costa Rica and bought plane tickets). I gave him the dates via text and nothing more. He responded that he was asking for the time off at work. Apparently he plans to still go. An hour later he texts that "Vacation is 12 weeks away...so long, I need a vacation now." I responded simply, "What would life be without something to look forward to." No more communication.
So this morning, I find myself so sad. The last couple days I have felt empowered. Not today. Was I in fact "moving on" in my mind and when he gives me these glimmers of "hope" and he still seems to call and text daily since I don't ever contact him - do I actually want him back more than I'm willing to admit to myself? Lately I've had really clear moments of actually "wanting" to go on alone. Maybe fear, maybe hurt.
I reread LRT and it seems that I must have committed it to memory when I read it 4 weeks ago when this started, as I seem to be doing all of those things. And he seems to be curious, and maintains contact. He asks for "dates" but I'm not sure why he needs to see me. Is it to relieve guilt? Is it to reconnect? I don't think he really knows is my guess. He's obsessed with my appearance (new clothes, new hair) and new attitude (not depressed around him). And interestingly, I knew that his "friend" (the EA that turned PA 4 days after leaving me) "decided" not to come for a planned visit next weekend. Not sure why. Oh, and H wanted to friend me on facebook, which is where he posted the above info on the OM to another mutual friend who wanted to make plans next weekend. So is he insane? Confused? Why does he seem to still "need" me so much? One other interesting note...for the last 4 weeks since D-day, he has ONLY used the "divorce" in relation to our future. The last 2 times we have spoken (and I did not mention anything about a future at all) he managed to reference our status as "separated" three times during normal conversation as it related to other things. Has not used the word "divorce" since. Am I over-analyzing? And how do I get strong and self-confident again?
