Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

[ericmsant2]

My man Crushed….

Nice to hear from you bro. Ya know, I wondered what happened to you. Happy New Year buddy and let both hope and pray that 2011 is much better than 2010.

I've got to say that its been a little discouraging watching some of the most helpful people leave these boards

Hopefully you are not talking about me…cause I am still around – just not posting as much.

Unfortunately, their results have not led to repaired marriages, but they seem to have led to better adjusted people - better prepared for the next phase of life.

Repairing a M takes a long time dude and as you pointed out some will reconcile and some will not. Either way, saving oneself and become everything we want to be is the goal for many of us. FTR, this usually is not the goal when we all first came here. It is only after looking inside that we understand that the one way to save a M is to become the people we all want to be.

I should be one more capable of offering help to newcomers, but the LBS cycling can be devastating.

Devastating No….painful – yes. Part of the process – absolutely!

I received the typical show of affection from W via a makeout session

She kisses me

then gets pissed when I don't defend her

The most rewarding take-aways from these encounters are her admissions of the pain she is causing.

She knows somewhere down deep that what she's doing is wrong.

Apparently, he's a bigger schmuck than I am

Crushed, these are all good signs up there ^^^^

followed by what appears to be regret that she'd done it

has almost become visual evidence of her pinballing emotions around me

She flirts with other guys around the pool table,

Mind you she's still with OM

she has some internal mechanism preventing her husband from putting the moves on her

Crushed, these are NOT good

So what does this tell YOU? IMO, she is still completely confused and hooked on OM.

I can see based on your post that you may want to change things up a bit, which I agree with. I mean are you going to serve up Ice Cream with her cake?

What is that Einstein saying? Something about doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results. Oh, and what does DB principals say? “do what works – if something is not working change it”.

My success thus far has come in the form of changing the schedule with the kids. I will now be able to do a bit more GALing by having the kids for the entire weekend. And when I don't have them, I'm able to take some trips; take some classes and have a full weekend to refresh and begin anew

This is gonna be REALLY good for you man. I suggest that you try and plan things to do when you do not have the kids.

She's been with this a**hole for 16 months.

“a**hole”…dude where is that old angry Crushed? Man I expected at least a “she has been with this low life, piece of chit, a**hole, cheating, nasty, ugly motherf*cking di*kwad. JK, sorry I had to get that out.

There are still no indications of her need to D me.

Have you asked yourself why? I think I may have an idea what it might be (see below)…..

My concern now is that I have been too accommodating.

Crushed, while you have been serving ice cream with her cake, you have been working on yourself (or at least I hope you have) and in doing so you gave her the space that she needed to work on her own issues. You were accommodating, you were patient, you did what you could. I say this because I have been where you are at. Allow me to expand….

FTR, I may be off base here but I do not believe so….

Right now you are beginning to realize just how long this process takes, you are beginning to realize that NOTHING YOU do will snap her a** out of her crisis, you are beginning to realize that somewhere along this journey YOU have lost a little bit of the old Crushed that you did like and NOW you want this guy back. Now, you are beginning to see what everyone says…”make this about YOU”, “FOCUS on YOU”, “Do what YOU want to do for YOU”. As you have begun to see this you have also probably realized that some of your changes were to GET her back. You are my friend beginning to really let go. Pssst…don’t be surprised if you continue to cycle.

I wonder if making myself less available will be more satisfactory to me and strategically bring us closer when she realizes what she'll lose when I'm gone.

Up there is what I call “when the rubber meets the road”.

Right now, you still want her back Crushed BUT you are beginning to question yourself, beginning the wonder IF this is really what I want. All normal feelings dude. What I really want to say to you is that…..stop thinking about what she is going to FEEL and THINK when you pull away (easier said than done). Cause IMO, she may not really be able to comprehend it. She may not be able to understand what she is feeling.

Think about it dude, you pull away and she says/thinks that you’re an as* or that you did not love her enough, so she is justified. Now, if you decide to stay “connected” she just may think or feel that she does not have to make a choice by virtue of her being able to continue to have her cake or she justifies having OM as trying to figure it out. So IMO, either way you go, she will justify her actions. IMO, she will continue this UNTIL she decides NOT to. So IF you make a change on how you interact, how you deal with her….the change MUST be for YOU. It must be what YOU need and want – NOT as an attempt to secure a change from her. She will change IF and WHEN she is ready to.

However, acting as her friend has seemingly only protracted this limbo situation.

And WHO allows the limbo in YOUR life to remain?

but I often find myself entertaining the idea of a new life

GOOD….and this new life COULD be with YOUR W. Either way the new life should be ONE that YOU WANT to live and enjoy – for YOU.

I'm uncertain, though, if I'm really ready to begin anew.

What is ANEW for YOU? Define it dude.

I cycle between thinking there's alot of hope to total desperation because I can't seem to un-stick myself. Sort of like getting a car out of a snow bank. I'm successfully rocking back and forth, but I fear I'm burning up the transmission trying to get out.

A little story dude…..about two weeks ago I was driving to work (after slipping on the road in my Jeep) when all of a sudden my Jeep died as I was getting off the highway. I was able to steer so that I was off the exit. The car would not start. I was pissed dude – I mean really pissed. I kept trying to start the jeep (it is a 2008 – so it’s not like it’s old)…kept turning the key. The engine would not even crank. Nothing dude – no starter sound – nada. I realized that I had not renewed my AAA membership and so I was gonna have to pay for someone to tow me. Given all of the financial stuff I had going on, trust me I did not need this. At one point I almost wanted to cry. So I looked up…and said “lord can a brother get a break – com’on God…can ya hook me up and just give me a little something”… I called information and had them connect me to AAA. For some reason the call was dropped. When the call dropped I was really pissed…once again started talking to God. Then….all of sudden, something came over me….STOP – STOP Eric – DO nothing for a second. So….I did, I sat in the Jeep for about 20 mins, I calmed myself down, thought about what I needed to do, called my boss and said I was running late…then something happened. Something inside of me said Eric give the car another shot. I did. The Jeep turned on and I was able to drive it to my parking lot. So…the moral of the story….

When you are “burning out the transmission trying to get out” – STOP! Sit still for a while or a second. Let life just happen. Now I am not saying that you should sit on your hands all the time and do nothing. No – but when in doubt, when frustrated, when pissed – stop and just be.

with two areas of my life frustrating me, I struggle with direction. Financial and logistical situations are closing in and I'm looking for light.

Crushed as I said above….STOP…sit still, the direction you are looking for, the financial and logistical stuff will all work JUST the way they are supposed to. Stop worrying. Stop trying to control every f*cking thing. And just so that you know, I STILL struggle with the worry so as much as I say this to you I am also saying it to myself.

Crushed – 16 months is a long time. I know how tough it is. Ask some of our mutual friends and they will tell you that I understand. I have been in the house with my alien for 18 months. You can do “this” Crushed….

I leave you with this dude…

Define “this” for YOURSELF. Make a choice on what YOU want this to be RIGHT NOW. Then stick with it. AND always remember this….YOU can change what THIS is anytime YOU want. Just make sure it is inline with WHO Crushed wants to be.
God Bless,
Eric