Interesting dream and great feedback from everyone. I'm not a dream analyst either but I have some questions for you:
--Do you have any idea why you were on the train too? If you were just observing, you could have done that from the train station, but you were positioned between H and OW, since you were seated behind her in the car. --How old was H when he dated OW originally and how long did they date? --Is it possible that you've picked up subtle cues from things H has said, or maybe observations your children or friends have made, that give you the sense that OW is less interested than H in their R?
It seems that if OW was pressing H to file for D, that the timing of H's cousin's death wouldn't matter from OW's perspective. Is it possible that H's cousin's (think it was a cousin?) death was another reminder of H's mortality.
Originally Posted By: punkin
F she was truly the love of his life, would it have taken 15 months to file??? Perhaps the significance of the dream is that he feels as if he is constantly running to catch up, and is losing both of you in the process. She may have presented him with an ultimatum after all this time, and he feels he has no other choice.
Another wise friend told me the death of his cousin may send farther into outer space. Boy if she didn't hit the nail on the head...
Funny, I was writing about this while you were posting it.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
The L that H uses also handles his cousin's estate. Nothing like getting two birds with one stone.
Another thought.....is H shrewd with money? I remember my XH telling me in the past that he got a "package deal" price when he filed for D from his first W because he was already paying the L for a ongoing different matter. This validates your thought above ^^^^^^^.
ow is hard core wanting to hang on to H. She hasn't had an easy life and I truly think money is a strong motivating factor for her. Not mind reading, just the things I've heard from a reliable source.
In the dream we all were on a vacation somewhere. I don't recall the train having a destination. It was just a straight ahead track with mini stations with store type buildings in them. The stations were not very far apart. The train was outside and I could see H trying to get through the crowds that were milling around on the platforms, trying to catch up.
H was 16 and ow was 15 or 16 when they originally dated. I'm not sure how long they dated but ow dropped H supposedly because of his jealousy. Personally, I think it had more to do with ow's father. (ow told her XH her father sexually abused her for years and that was the reason she hated intimacy.) If that was the case her father may have had her end the R.
If that was true I don't understand how ow remained so close to her father and was devastated when he died. H showed up and she latched right on.
ow told her XH her father sexually abused her for years and that was the reason she hated intimacy.......If that was true I don't understand how ow remained so close to her father and was devastated when he died.
That ^^^^^^ is called an attachment disorder. My XH has had a similar love-hate R with his mother for years (she was an alcoholic when he was a kid but has been sober for 30 years).
In the clinic where I work a certain percentage of patients were $exually abused as children. After seeing how adversely this affects individuals' lives I have come to believe that this is one of the most heinous things that can be done to a human being. Many of these people have much difficulty with trust and intimate Rs. A small percentage of these individuals actually do the work in therapy that they need to move toward healing. These people are inspirational in that they can become quite self-actualized. Have you read any of Tyler Perry's recent writings about how he was $exually abused as a child and how that along with physical abuse has affected him? He is still single and has difficulty with intimate Rs.
Since OW latched onto H while he is M'ed I suspect she is NOT one of the few who have gone through therapy to work through their intimacy issues. If your H is a caretaker or knight in shining armor type, this arrangement could feel good to them at least for awhile.
This is a match made in heaven then GAG. H likes to be the hero and the ow is very needy. Intimacy isn't a concern because H was having problems in that area when he left.
ow gets upset at the time H spends with the girls. D18 found a text from H to ow, saying that he was sick of her being depressed when he spent time with the girls, that he wasn't going to stop seeing them or going to their functions. ow must see it as a victory when H blows off the girls to do something with her.
ow texts H almost constantly at times when he is with the girls. Most of the time he doesn't text her back. There have been times he looks at them, sighs, and then shuts his phone off. Is it possible that ow's jealous of H's time with the girls because she views them as competition because of what her father did to her? That would be really messed up.
ow also told her XH that she told her mother about the sexual abuse and her mother told her to shut up and never speak of it again. One of ow's brothers was also sexually abused by the father and he ended up committing suicide. I don't know about the other siblings. I don't believe ow ever received therapy.
H has got himself into quite a mess and I don't think he's aware of how deep it goes. D12 was over visiting at their house when the ow wasn't there and she saw a pic of ow's mother and father. H told D, yep, her mother worshiped her father and misses him so much.
No, I haven't read about Tyler Perry's writings. Will look into that.
GAG, thank you so much for all of your insight into this, and your wisdom. This is all becoming clearer now.
SA - very interesting information....your H and OW sure brought lots of emotional baggage into the R.
And I'm wondering...if H is frustrated with OW's possessiveness now...in the early stages of their R....unless OW changes...H may become more and more resentful that she is making him choose between her and his kids...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
A few comments...you said that you would like a "fair" settlement. Define Lfair" for yourself. You may find that your version of fair is quite different than your H's. I also suggest that you sit down for a second and think about the real reason for why you want this to be fair. Is there still some part of you that hopes that by being fair, your H will see this and change his mind. If this is indeed thoughts you have you may want to rethink this. FTR, I agree with fair and just want to make sure that you do not give up more than you have too.
When things hit the legal side, you must listen to your lawyer. Your H will do what he feels he needs to do, you must do the same.
I am also sorry that it is going this route.
As for OW, let it go SA...let it go. It really does not matter at this point, what does matter is YOU, your health, your emotional wellbeing and your future.
My heart goes out to you.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Define Lfair" for yourself. You may find that your version of fair is quite different than your H's.
Eric, I've already done this. I definitely know that H's version and mine will be two different things. I'm gearing up for it.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
When things hit the legal side, you must listen to your lawyer.
Don't worry I plan to. This is what I'm paying her the big bucks for. Well, actually in the end H will be paying her.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
As for OW, let it go SA.
The way this works for me Eric, is that the more I understand why things are the way they are, the easier time I have dealing with it. It is for me. It's just how I am.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for this. I truly appreciate the kindness and support I get from the board.
I can't begin to tell you how sad I feel for your current unhappiness. You have always been one of the level headed, sincere, heartfelt persons on this board. I, on the other hand, am a cynic, and a He11 of a cynic, at that.
That being said, I want to reiterate what Eric just said. Define fair. What is fair about spending half your life with a man, helping him build his professional successes, bearing his children, and then, just when things should be getting easier, he wants to wash his hands of you and everything about you?
I know you are intelligent. I know you are hurting. I know you are a giving person. Sometimes all that smart but painful generosity makes us do things we regret later.
Get everything you can; and then take a little more.
You mentioned that money and security means a great deal to OW. Make her security a little less secure. Not to effect their R, who cares? Just because you can. And should. You earned it. She's just steppin' in.
Sorry if I sound like a complete biotch here, but I know it is much easier to get it the first time around than to try and go back to court.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
