Well the New Year begins much the same way the last year did. However, thanks to some of the people posting to me, I have a much better perspective on things.
As with many of us, I find it time to begin a new thread with
I have not posted for over a month. I've got to say that its been a little discouraging watching some of the most helpful people leave these boards. Unfortunately, their results have not led to repaired marriages, but they seem to have led to better adjusted people - better prepared for the next phase of life. I suppose after 16 months of enduring the process, I should be one more capable of offering help to newcomers, but the LBS cycling can be devastating. Selfishly, my hands have been full just juggling the here and now.
New Year's Day was a blast with W, BIL and friends all partying on game day. I received the typical show of affection from W via a makeout session followed by what appears to be regret that she'd done it. I enjoy the proximity to her, but I know after similar previous event in July and September that I should not read much into her actions.
It has almost become visual evidence of her pinballing emotions around me. She kisses me then almost immediately asks why things weren't this way when we were together. She flirts with other guys around the pool table, then gets pissed when I don't defend her enough. Mind you she's still with OM. I've better learned to roll with the emotional whirlwind these events generate.
It never goes beyond kissing. Even when we are staying in the same place. The dry spell continues. Even drunk, she has some internal mechanism preventing her husband from putting the moves on her. That or her her H's moves are so rusty that they're ineffective on anyone - much less someone married to him.
The most rewarding take-aways from these encounters are her admissions of the pain she is causing. She knows somewhere down deep that what she's doing is wrong. This is not me saying she's wrong - this is her suggesting it. Yet, she quickly disappears down the rabbit hole for several more months.
My success thus far has come in the form of changing the schedule with the kids. I will now be able to do a bit more GALing by having the kids for the entire weekend. And when I don't have them, I'm able to take some trips; take some classes and have a full weekend to refresh and begin anew.
She's been with this a**hole for 16 months. There are still no indications of her need to D me. Apparently, he's a bigger schmuck than I am; watching his girl stay attached to me at every family occasion. But this is less about their actions.
My concern now is that I have been too accommodating. She's had many work challenges (as have I), and I have not budged at helping her through each challenge. She emotes and shares the events of the day. I am her advisor and sounding board, I am the loving father of her kids, but I am not her H. I wonder if making myself less available will be more satisfactory to me and strategically bring us closer when she realizes what she'll lose when I'm gone.
Of course I'm aware that I should not take action based on what she thinks (so you can hold the 2x4s for now). However, acting as her friend has seemingly only protracted this limbo situation. I really want my marriage, but I often find myself entertaining the idea of a new life. I'm much more aware of what I want and how I have behaved in the past. I'm uncertain, though, if I'm really ready to begin anew. I cycle between thinking there's alot of hope to total desperation because I can't seem to un-stick myself. Sort of like getting a car out of a snow bank. I'm successfully rocking back and forth, but I fear I'm burning up the transmission trying to get out.
In addition to the R, I think I'm falling into a bit of a depression. I've always been able to fall back on athletic pursuits when my job or R has been bad, but I'm suffering alot of injuries now. I've put some competitions on the calendar to keep motivated, but I fear that all these injuries (some requiring surgery) are an indication that there's something really wrong. I was bulletproof for 35 years and now the wheels have come off with multiple tendon tears and ruptures over the last seven years.
I'm a little worried that I can't get the same satisfaction from work as I've always worked to live. With two areas of my life frustrating me, I struggle with direction. Financial and logistical situations are closing in and I'm looking for light.
Nonetheless, this is a good place to vent. Hopefully some will benefit from this new post. I pray for resolution again this year, preferably with my W. But if the year ends with me in a D proceeding, I hope that it will lead to a fresh start.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
