Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

Denver, I personally do not believe M people should have "friendships" with the opposite sex when it excludes the S. That is asking for M problems!

I agree... now. I wish that I would have had someone to hit me with this 2x4 years ago Sandi. Thank you for being so blunt here. Your words sent shock waves through my body bc you are so right.

To expand on the situation with OW through W and I's R... It was much more of a problem during the 1st 3 or so years of our dating R than it has been for the last 4 of our dating R and M. Bc those relationships with OWs caused arguments, I distanced myself from those female friends. I was resentful about it though and I never validated my W for feeling the way that she did/does. In fact, in the early days, I made it out to be a problem that she had. That she was insecure. I caused so much damage. I see it now.

Why did I do this? Sitting here thinking about it, it is clear that it is my own insecurities and ego. My insecurity about losing my independence. My ego of showing how I attract the opposite sex. I need to fix this.

This is something that I have thought about even before your post Sandi. And here I am still doing it with my female friend who I have bonded with bc she is going through similar problems in her M. I can cut that R off. That is not a problem. But how do I show or communicate W that I have realized that she has been right all of these years, that I was wrong, and why I made the stupid choices I did, i.e., ego, insecurity. Can I write her a letter or an email telling her and apologizing? That would go against my DBing in that it would be pursuing and pressuring, wouldn't it? It would also go against my DB Coach's advice to not initiate contact and not talk R with W.

I can realize all of the errors of my ways, and I can work at understanding why I made those errors, and work to fix them. For myself, for future R with W or someone else. But all of that doesn't necessarily help me with my M, unless W somehow knows that I feel this way now and am willing to work on the issues.

I think this is worse than just "your bad". Even if you did not have a physical A with any of these women, your W felt cheated on by you having private friendships with opposite sex that did not include her. I suspect that if the shoe had been on the other foot, you would not have appreciated that. How do you think it made her feel? I can tell you how I would have felt and it would not be good. I don't know a single woman who would have liked their H having excluded friendships with OW. Now, she sees you still doing the same thing. Maybe that's why she feels the M can't be fixed.

Until you are ready to give up all these OW, she will continue to feel that you are having EA's. Can you not see that? Why on earth would you cut your W out of that, unless these OW were filling some emotional need that you had? There is nothing right about that, and until you show her that she is the only woman you care about having in your life....then you won't be able to say enough words to change her mind about D.

Ok. I know that you are right. I really do. How can I show her when we barely talk, let alone see each other? I know that you probably don't have the answer to this. But any thoughts or ideas on things that I can do that might be seen by her even from afar... or things that I can say to her if given the opportunity would be appreciated greatly.

And I'm assuming that the answer to my question above about the idea of writing her a letter is going to be seen as a bad idea. That would seem to me to be the most obvious way of communicating this to W, but not in line with my DB strategy.

Thanks again Sandi.