Thanks Bond, I was thinking the same. I have started to lead a bit. I told her I have a surprise for her this Saturday and to plan on a night out. She appears happy about it... Thanks for your input.
And Harrier, you are correct. My W is also not your traditional WAW. She never left the house and we never discussed D. I just use the term cause she had an EA and was talking about leaving, looking at town houses, telling me we are "not a couple", etc.
She did walk away from me in her heart and mind for a short time (still working her way back) which is why I use the term.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
When you're piecing, working on rebuilding a realtionship/marriage alot of the "Do not" list goes out the window, simply because it has too.
Piecing is hard because for someone who has taking DB to heart and lived by it now has to unlearn alot of it.
No R talks?
Guess what?
Now you have too. Establishing boundaries and what you expect from each other, communicating and listening to each other.
No I love yous?
Not sure of too many good marriages where no one says I love you.
SBH,
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2. Wife is continuing EA and is happy because of OM or she is feeling guilty and being nicer and nicer to me because of it (I have no proof of A, she is always where she says shes going to be, always home on time, cell records indicate no communication at all, nothing on computer, always at work, you get the point).
But it makes me wonder how often the WAS LOOKS to be committing to M just to carry on A. Does anyone have any insight?
You're not finding any proof of anything...and you're looking. Which in piecing, good for you for verifying.
But you're not finding anything, why are you making up monsters in your mind?
Its not a bad idea to have a plan of how you'll react to a situation, but when those plans start sabotaging you and your effort, its time to realize, its a plan, not proof.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You guys make piecing sound like a scary place to be! I'm good where I am right now, but when/if piecing happens, man do I think I'm gonna be a wreck at it.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
It WILL come out at some point, probably sooner than later because I feel it's important for her to understand that kids want an affectionate mom all the time. And if it helps me in the process, well that's a bonus.
You get something on your mind and you won't drop it. The only reason it WILL come out at some point is b/c you keep it burning in your brain. I think you are using the non-affection toward the kids as your ticket to approach her and hope you get rewarded with ML, to boot. It won't happen buddy, not that way, and you better let it drop.
I wasn't as affectionate with my kids when they were as old as yours are now. I was when they were little, but when a boy is 12, he usually doesn't want mom slobbering all over him....
Just don't go looking for trouble. I get the feeling that's your biggest problem.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In spite of the fact that I screwed it up, perhaps you can shed a little light on my situation. Basically, my wife went from one week she's saying we should sleep in the same bed. We have a pretty good week, the next week she want to start ML again. I know for me I didn't push it AT ALL. In fact, I wasn't sure I was even ready to go down that road (turns out I was right) When she suggested it I was kinda dumbfounded as I didn't even think we were close to it. Of course, the point is somewhat moot now as I screwed it up with my being a baby about it. But now I'm in kinda a strange period. Obviously, we did ML recently and I did enjoy it as she did. So I'm not at the point where I was before we ML (me not being sure we should) However, I would very much like to get another chance at it. However, I'm not being pushy in the slighest. I just kinda have these thoughts. I wonder if my W can pick up on these thoughts. Hmmmm.
I seriously thought she was going to bring it up again tonight. We were at dinner and she said she had something she needed to talk to me about. It was a very similar fashion to the first time she brought up starting ML again. Again, in my mind I was shocked. Sadly though she had another topic.
She is going to a meeting at work were the OM will be present (along with about 4 or 5 other people. She 1) wanted to tell me about it and 2) see how I was with it. What are your thoughts on this. The meeting is for something she really, really enjoys doing. I told her that I would not tell her she couldn't go, but that I was still a little bothered by it, but I got over it pretty quickly. Thoughts?
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
All I can do is give you an opinion from my own personal experience and from what I've read about others.
I am concerned about this meeting she wants to attend. If it was a meeting where hundreds of people would be there, it wouldn't seem quite as "close", but if there is going to be less than 1/2 doz. there, that makes it rather too close for comfort. It has barely been one month since she told you she would cut contact with OM. Seeing him at this meeting could trigger all those feelings again, b/c she has not had enough time to build up a shield of strength against him. IMHO, I do not believe it is a wise decision for her to go.
Did she agree to have her email & phone accessible to you when she stopped contact with OM? I do not believe that couples should have private accounts from their S, especially if there has been an A and the couple is trying to R.
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Basically, my wife went from one week she's saying we should sleep in the same bed. We have a pretty good week, the next week she want to start ML again. I know for me I didn't push it AT ALL. In fact, I wasn't sure I was even ready to go down that road (turns out I was right)
I have read people's stories where the W is trying so hard to get things back to normal again that she starts sleeping with her H as soon as she breaks up with OM. However, in many cases it's too soon. If she really had a thing for this OM, she has to get through a "grieving stage". If she tries to avoid that stage by jumping into intimacy with her H......it could be too much too soon and she won't be able to handle it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W decided not to go to the meeting. I told her the same thing when she asked my what my concerns are with the meeting. I told her that I was concerned that things would "start up again." Of course she disagreed. That may or may not be the case because she also told me the man she was attracted to "doesn't exist" as he was some fantasy that was created due to the "fog" she was in. Also the meeting isn't a run of the mill meeting, It deals with something that she is very excited to participate in. (It's kinda hard to explain)
But I did not want to force her into doing something and she said the same thing. She said that she didn't want resentment to build up against me if I started to seem controlling on this. So I gave her my opinion and she chose her own path on this.
She has also agreed to transparency, but honestly I haven't looked.
As far as the ML, you might be correct. But I think she handled it just fine. It was me that messed it up. I guess part of my point was that I wasn't looking to ML ASAP and I'm pretty sure she senses that.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
she also told me the man she was attracted to "doesn't exist" as he was some fantasy that was created due to the "fog" she was in
That's true, and I'm glad she's smart enough to realize it. That shows progress. She does need to "affair proof" the M, however, by being aware that seeing the man who she fantasized about could still trigger some fog. It just pays to be cautious for a while, even after the EA has stopped.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
