On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[Denver_2010]

Hello all. I am starting a new thread bc my other one has seemed to died off. Here it is if you want the specifics on my situation.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2118866&page=1

I'm also starting this new thread bc it describes how I have been feeling for about 24 hours. I feel very deflated about my chances for saving my M. I am starting to doubt my strategies and beginning to feel that I am letting myself be disrespected by W. I really have no one to talk to about these feelings, bc I believe that my friends and family will agree with them and tell me to consider moving on from W and M.

My W dropped the bomb that she was leaving in early Nov. and she moved out the day after Thanksgiving. It has been roughly 7 weeks where we have had little to no contact. I believe that there is at least EA going on with OM although W said only friends the last time that we spoke about it which was right after she moved out. I have avoided conversation re OM bc of DB advice and frankly, I'm scared to hear that it has become PA. I know from BIL that, at least as of the middle of December, she spends a lot of time with OM.

I think that these feelings that are causing me to write/journal here today stem from reading some other people's threads. It seems that there are two schools of thought on situations where W has OM (or H has OW). The first being to apply LRT, GAL, 180s and wait patiently and hope that affair burns out. My understanding is that this is MWD's advice. Basically, this is the advice that my DB Coach gave me. She told me don't initiate contact, GAL, stay in touch with my step son, and basically wait for W to start making contact with me.

The second school of thought on dealing with OM is to set boundaries, the hard line approach. I think that I would be much more inclined to apply this if W still lived with me. She does not, we are 'separated', so I guess that I feel that maybe there's more leeway there. I don't know.

I was beginning to get hopeful right around xmas bc W did initiate contact with me for some really trivial things 6 out of 8 days... we then had a few days of no contact, and then we had contact for 3 or 4 straight days (Jan 2-Jan 6 or so). Some of that contact was initiated by me re me seeing step son, some of the contact was initiated by her re how to make my spaghetti sauce (again trivial stuff).

Overall, W has become much less hostile and actually, mostly, friendly with me. Right before she left me, she was like the devil towards me and then pretty much didn't contact me at all for the first few weeks that she was gone. But W did state as recently as 6 days ago that she wants Legal Separation for financial reasons. She did not say Divorce. Weird. I told her that I would not assist in either bc it is not what I want.

Anyway, I was thinking that this was some improvement. Now, there have been a few days of no contact again. I have been reading some threads on here where people suggest taking a hard line approach when OM involved. And here I am now doubting my strategy, feeling lost again, and feeling more disrespected by W than ever.

Again, I don't know what status of R bw W and OM is right now. It could be over, it could be PA, it could still be EA, it could be that W believes that she has met love of her life. I just don't know.

I do know that I feel like a schmuck the past couple of days that I am just sitting here patiently waiting while W just does whatever it is she's doing!

I do know that if give W ultimatum re OM or working on M that I need to be prepared to file for D myself bc W will not work on M right now and IF she is still "hanging out with" or whatever with OM, she will not stop it bc of anything I say. Ultimatum or Setting of Boundary will hasten end to my M.

I do know that if OM was not involved, that I wouldn't feel so badly about giving W the time and space that she needs to figure out what she wants in her life.

I do know that I am doing everything that I can to change some things about me that I don't like.

I do know that I want my M to survive this.

I do know that I love my W and SS.

I do know that I am beginning to resent W for bringing OM into our M. Will I ever be able to forgive her for this?

I don't know if I should be as angry about OM since W DID leave me physically almost immediately after EA began. Is A as bad if H and W separated as opposed to living together?

I DO KNOW that I am lost right now and am unsure of how to proceed.