IB you said that when you have contact with H you start blaming yourself for things again. I have been doing the same thing this week when I saw H in person for the first time in 2 months and we had a long talk.
I think in a way self-blame for some problems is good if it makes us figure out our contributions to the marital problems. But I also wonder this, at least for me, and I wonder if you feel the same: I feel like when I start owning up to "I shouldn't have done this or that" and I communicate that to H that it's a way I'm trying to get him back by saying "it was all my fault and I know it and I'm sorry but I'm all different now, so you should think about coming back." I have said as much to him all except the last part "you should come back now that things are different", but I think I'm implying that last part without saying it.
I don't know why I'm doing this other than that it means I'm still trying to exert control and "win him back" or "be the better option" because I still love him just as much as before and I can't imagine ever loving anyone else again. I guess it comes from insecurity too.
So I wonder if when you start self-blame is it your heart's way of trying to take on the entire breakup of the marriage yourself with the goal in mind that you will punish yourself alone for the failure (instead of him because you don't want to blame him) or are you trying to rationalize that if you can just correct all the problems that you can prove to him that he needs to come back because you've fixed everything for both of you?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
