I can do this...

[Lorie1964]

IB, I got on here thinking I hadn't heard from you in a couple of days. I hope you have a great weekend. This is D's weekend with H, so I am here alone. I am going to go meet a friend for a movie later.

But it just bugs me, H lives with his parents, so he is never alone! How can he even understand how lonely this is for me. UGH! I just get so mad sometimes!

You have a great weekend and look to the week ahead with possibilities of growth!

[irishblessings]

Thanks all. I know I am getting stronger - it's just not consistent yet. I still feel lost way too often. I get in this pattern of avoidance or procrastination and it ends up frustrating me. In the meantime I am trying to be kinder to myself - so it's a challenge:)

Thanks again for letting me vent - it is so helpful!

[courageous wife]

Oh heck IB...I've been at this for 16mos and I am still not consistant! You have really come a long way in a fairly short amount of time!!!

[AntoniaB]

IB you said that when you have contact with H you start blaming yourself for things again. I have been doing the same thing this week when I saw H in person for the first time in 2 months and we had a long talk.

I think in a way self-blame for some problems is good if it makes us figure out our contributions to the marital problems. But I also wonder this, at least for me, and I wonder if you feel the same: I feel like when I start owning up to "I shouldn't have done this or that" and I communicate that to H that it's a way I'm trying to get him back by saying "it was all my fault and I know it and I'm sorry but I'm all different now, so you should think about coming back." I have said as much to him all except the last part "you should come back now that things are different", but I think I'm implying that last part without saying it.

I don't know why I'm doing this other than that it means I'm still trying to exert control and "win him back" or "be the better option" because I still love him just as much as before and I can't imagine ever loving anyone else again. I guess it comes from insecurity too.

So I wonder if when you start self-blame is it your heart's way of trying to take on the entire breakup of the marriage yourself with the goal in mind that you will punish yourself alone for the failure (instead of him because you don't want to blame him) or are you trying to rationalize that if you can just correct all the problems that you can prove to him that he needs to come back because you've fixed everything for both of you?

[AntoniaB]

Another way to put it is, "Not only do I have love enough for both of us, but I have blame enough for both of us. I can shoulder all of it so you don't have to."

[irishblessings]

Antonia -
In some ways you might have a point. I've struggled with this "owning up" to my part because 3 years ago when we got into marriage counseling after I found his second phone I really had to own my contribution. Everyone thought I should have left him then - but I felt like I needed to accept my part and make changes. So I've spent the past 3 years working on these areas only to have him leave. We separated for a week back then but then he came back after a week - ready to work. In hindsight I don't know if it was the fact that he was "caught' and not ready to own up to his problems. Anyway, I work and have faith that we are really developing a better relationship and then he drops the bomb. It's a real trouble area for me!
IB

[irishblessings]

Does anyone else feel pride just in the fact that you folded a load of towels on Saturday night? The work load at home that used to be shared by 2 is now owned by 1. No less work - just less help.

Whew...

[AntoniaB]

Ok I get you totally--when my H left last year I felt I worked on his list of things I needed to improve (though in retrospect I did it half-heartedly) and he left anyway. Now I fixed them for real and he still isn't back. Guess what? That's because their leaving has never been about us entirely. It has been about them and us 50/50 or maybe even more about them. Maybe it is more like 75/25 for the issues/reasons they left.

I am thinking that once we stop blaming ourselves and really come to a place of "it is what it is, so what do I do for me now?" that we'll find some detachment and peace.

And by the way, the changes you made in that 3 years, if they were things that made you a better person, well, they're for you. Your life will be better as a result. You don't need for him to be in your life in order for you to benefit from your personal changes and feel validated by them. They are for you before anyone else.

And yeah, I just cleaned my kitchen on a Sat. night. What a different life I live now compared to before.

[irishblessings]

Good point about the changes - what did I change? I changed by:
a) not making decisions without talking to H
b) becoming happier just staying at home and hanging out
c) not obsessing about the small stuff
d) respecting H's opinion - not trying to change his mind
e) thinking about my marriage first rather than my children
f) CHOOSING us over anything else
Also, if truth be told - I changed my "dealbreaker" by recognizing that 29 years together with a man equals a lot of amazing moments that could not be destroyed by "a handful" of bad choices.

So - were these the right decisions for me? Did they make me a better person - they made me a better wife. At the time - that was who I was. Today - I don't know who I am. I make decisions to make me a better mother. What will make me a better woman? That's what I need to find out...

[punkin]

Ladies, ladies, you are not getting the full benefit of detachment. Folding clothes. I, on the other hand, completely dismanteled my vacuum and carpet cleaner last night and gave them a good cleaning out. Then put them back together.

THAT, is a grand Saturday night!