I've been reading the board since December. I've looked to see if anywhere on the internet was a more appropriate place to seek support, and then I realized, sadly, that my situation was exactly like all of yours. I will tell you that I have been "married" to my husband for 22 years, and that I am also male. (We are gay). If that is a problem for you, please just move on. But if you can see in your heart that my pain is yours, I could really use some encouraging words, as I feel lost. On Dec 6, 2010 he told me was leaving. D-day. Ironic. Marriage was actually really good. Friends first, never really fought (probably bad, I know), always had what we needed and wanted, similar interests, really enjoyed our time together until the last couple years. He began mentioning things daily about how getting older sucked, and that he never really followed all his dreams. Wasn't quite sure "who he was." Might even need to get some cosmetic work done to feel better. He looked up old "friends" (mostly boyfriends from 25 years ago) on facebook cause I guess he wanted to relive some youth (he's 47 and I'm 42. Together since I was 20). He became good friends with an ex that had remained single all these 22 years. He didn't hide that friendship from me. What he did hide for the last 6 months were the 300 texts a day and private conversations to, from, and at work, but never at home. The day he said he was leaving to "find himself" I asked him if he was having an affair. How could I when my friend is 2000 miles away and we haven't been in the same room in 25 years he said. You're crazy. I explained to him what an emotional affair was. He said no, he needed to find himself. It took him just 3 weeks to get an apartment in town. Just 4 days after leaving our home, his "friend" came to visit. All our mutual friends told me, but he did not. I have read the book and all the advice. I am trying to focus on myself and move on. I don't initiate calls or texts, yet he calls and texts me every day. Even while his "friend" was here to tell me he was "depressed and sad but didn't know why." I'm seeing a counselor who says, sadly, that I'm actually coping pretty well, and is amazed that I have been able to respond to my husband with nothing but kindness and love, not vengeance and hate. I was actually moving away from shouldering the blame and feeling like garbage put to the side of the road when my ex showed up at my door two nights ago. He announced that it was very important that we remain friends as he would always love me and the only thing he couldn't pack in the u-haul was "his heart." Sadly, I think he meant it. I actually was strong and told him that though I was hurting, I would never want to look back and feel that I had been cruel or hateful. That I could not, though it would make me feel better in the moment, it was not who I was and how I felt. I told him that I would, in fact, always love him, which is why I let him go with only kind words (I actually helped him pack the uhaul). So why do I feel so horrible now? Because I slept with him that night. He fell asleep next to me like no time had passed, and didn't let go. And in the morning - here's the strange part - I didn't fall apart emotionally. Though we had connected emotionally more than we had in a year, beyond the physical, I felt so separate the next morning as I sent him away. Have I stopped caring in the midst of my hurt? Did I take some subconscious pleasure that he seemed to miss and need me? Have I just lost my mind? His confusion is clear to me and those around us, as our friends question what the hell he is doing. The only person seemingly in his corner is his "friend" who clearly has an agenda. And yes, he continues to text and call since that night. I don't answer them and then he keeps trying, worried that I "might not be all right." Did he finally meet his 2 year fantasy in the flesh and the reality just 4 days after leaving me was too much for him to process, as my counsellor suggested? Yes, I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" four weeks ago, just like everyone else. We had dinner (just dinner) out last night. I accepted HIS invite as I hoped he had wanted to talk openly about things. It was more than civil, it was actually friendly and genuine, but very topical and safe in our conversation. Strangely, he kept expressing concern that I had lost too much weight. Asked if I had bought new clothes, commented on how great I looked. Asked about our dogs. And then, out of the blue, made the strangest remark. "You remember my sister-in-law who left my brother and her kids for that guy 20 years ago." Yes, I said. "Well, I looked her up and she said that if she could go back she would never have done that." I looked at him and said (devoid of any emotion) - "That's truly sad. I think a lot of people in her shoes have found that it would have been easier to fix a marriage where there was love, than to try to build a life all over again. Guess it comes back to that "greener grass" thing..." And I left it at that. Then I changed the topic. I think he is living in a reality of his own creation to justify his actions and thoughts. Strangely he asked how I was sleeping, and made a point to let me know that he was only getting a couple hours a night. I didn't ask why. In fact I didn't ask anything all through dinner. I drove him to his new apartment. He invited me in, but I said I had to get home to the dogs. He leaned over and kissed me (not a peck but I did not reciprocate). I know he felt I was cold, though we had been intimate just a couple nights previous. He just looked at me and started to tear up. I said goodbye and he got out. I did tear up driving away. He goes from seeming to "need me desperately" to "complete immersion in his fantasy world" these days. At one point he actually said he pretends that he's "on vacation" at his new apartment. In my mind he's obviously vacationing in crazy town. I'm worried that it's odd that I cried non-stop for a week, in between missing him, and then imagining horrible things that would punish him. All the while showing him only positive loving support, and only when he reached out to me. Each day I got stronger and cried less. Then after 10 days when I finally met him in person, I was intimate and strangely felt very little. Is this the ambivalence? Or have I been hurt so badly that I can't love? I look at him, and sometimes I think he's a complete stranger that I don't know. I'm not sure what kind of guidance I'm looking for, other than some confirmation that I'm not completely insane. I think he would be having an easier time if I were the hateful person he seems to expect me to be towards him, even as he professes a need to be the "best of friends because I will always love you." Yes I know he entertained his friend 4 days after he moved out. Yes the thought of that obsessed me and made me physically ill. And yes, I still found kindness and love for him in my heart to the point that I could only truly hope that one day he finds happiness and self truth. I don't know where I will be when that happens. When he announced he was leaving, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep him in my life. But I've accepted that I can't "help" him. Now I realize that he does need to find himself, and he can only do that for himself. It doesn't mean I don't hurt. So who's really lost here? Me or him? He actually asked me not to cry over the past the morning he left (as he announced that he would be taking one of our "special" coffee mugs so that he could imagine he was having coffee with me still, each morning). I told him that I don't cry for the past, but for the loss of our future - our hopes and dreams - that are gone. The past is never gone. I don't think he grasped that. So, those of you with wisdom that can see past the gender difference and recognize the universal truth in my story, please find it in your heart to give me some wisdom and advice. I could use some outside advice, as my family and friends want me to hate him and break communication. They can not understand how I find it in my heart to love and support his decision through my pain. I think it is confusing for him too. Help.
