Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

After 2 days of processing all of this, I have learned a few things:

1. I have noticed that I've been getting sucked back into this hope that we'll reconcile based on the fact that he did show emotions towards me. I think I'm assuming that the emotions he is showing mean he still has feelings for me or is conflicted. But I shouldn't assume that because the emotions might just be coming from a place of guilt that is finally really starting to hit him or just hit him because of the holidays and the divorce being final in the next few weeks.

2. I have to stop myself from being sucked back into hope because I think it's going to hurt my progress and detachment.

3. The most important revelation I've had, though, is that I think I put my finger on my greatest fear: I fear that I will never again have a relationship with anyone because I will never be able to love anyone but him. I thought I had myself convinced I was losing that deep love for him, but all it took was a few hours of seeing what I remember as the real him and a hug for me to feel that not one ounce of my love for him is gone. It's like no matter what he's done and no matter that he doesn't love me any more, I can't stop the feelings for him, and they are just as strong as ever. This makes me feel like I'm looking at a very lonely life without a partner ever again, because I won't be able to love anyone ever again. It's like my heart is filled with him and there is no room for anyone else in there.

I thougth before that I would not be in a relationship again because I wouldn't trust another person and wouldn't want to be hurt. It's not that. It's that my love for him is so powerful that I feel like I won't ever be able to love anyone BUT him even if he is gone from my life.

I talked at length to a coworker in her 70s last night and she lost her husband to cancer 10 or more years ago. She can't love anyone but him. She's single by choice all this time after because she can't bring herself to love anyone else or even date anyone else. She told me I was so young that things would be different for me, but I don't believe her.

Do you guys have any advice?