Boundaries with Love

[Concerned_Listener]

I'm working thru "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. Several of her comments have resonated with me. She talks about the importance of being strong, knowing who you are, knowing what your values are, and living by them, and participating in all aspects of a R, including the painful parts. She says that one of the most important ways to fix a R problem is to have a stronger presence in it.

In the past, I can see my pattern as being intentional about my career, but letting my W mostly drive the R. She was as clueless as I was, so no wonder we had problems. The intimacy wasn't there, but for both of us, it was probably more than we were used to experiencing. I would avoid problems, and was overly influenced by her anger and blaming, when I should have moved more into it to see what was going on.

I read books daily (Tibetan Buddhism, psychology) to work on my attitude. I am more clear on the ways I react to problems in my life and R in unhelpful ways that perpetuate problems for myself and my W.

I believe the dance competition next week is sign of my putting my voice into the dance R. In the past, the dancing was strictly Salsa, and I was along for the ride. I'm driving this project, and thanks to me, we go to ballroom dances, entered in a competition, and work on a diversity of dances. When the competition is over, I'm going to suggest to my W that we work on two dance--my choice and her choice.

She hasn't gotten paid for her PT job in several weeks, and money is getting tight again. I'm going to let her know that I'm cutting the dog's daycare to two days, until our cash flow is improved (she gets paid or finds a new job). Talking about and working thru problems together is also a form of intimacy.

I'm going to be starting next week a book called "Hold Me Tight." It's about the different types of conversations a couple needs to have to stay or be more connected. It's written by Sue Johnson, a psychologist who specializes in marital therapy.

CL