This is a major rant/vent/journal, so keep that in mind.
H is getting on my nerve. I am just SO fed up with being the good girl, giving him the benefit of the doubt, being an unconditional friend, etc., etc. This man is one of the most selfish individuals I have ever met - and why did I marry him?
The thing that is really bugging me at the moment is how good I was/am to him. I know Michele's books talk about making changes to show your spouse that the marriage can be better, but all of my 180s have really been me being a more selfish individual. On the one hand, with his cheating, lying and leaving, getting a bit selfish hasn't been much of a stretch. Still, I've always been a giving person. I always respected him tremendously, worked to build a positive, easygoing relationship with him, matched his sex drive, didn't nag, gave him space when he needed it, got close when he needed it...basically met his needs. When he left, he even said, "My choices are to give up the best woman I'll ever meet and be miserable or stay here and be unhappy with your weight."
This was why it became so freeing for me to let him go. Because I knew I had been an awesome wife, loved him with my whole heart and given 100% of myself to him. I never "let myself go", I've never been thin. I didn't "stop caring about my appearance", but these are the things he said I did. I look and feel great the majority of the time, get plenty of compliments and offers and always have. All because of his own insecurities and his own issues with monogamy, he put a lot of his crap off on me - and more than the infidelity or the coldness, this is what bothers me. To me, this is the ultimate betrayal. In order to deal with his own failings, he convinced himself (and me!) that his failings could be blamed on me. He taught me to question my own self-worth, to feel bad about who I am and to devalue all of the awesome, wonderful, beautiful things that I love about myself.
And this is why I do not want him at home with me right now. When I date him or see him in small stretches, the moody/judgmental/depressed H is nonexistent. I do not know if he will be able to sustain the changes that he's trying to make...or if I can bear the risk of giving myself 100% again to him. These are the things that scare me about reconciling, piecing or whatever...
Of course, none of this feels very fair to me. But that's not what this is all about, is it?
Don't worry, I am just feeling my feelings. I'm not making any plans to act on them at the moment.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
