I'm pretty much done D4ML--I am watching him decline and while he has "some" similarities to the folks in the mid-life forum, there is no little red sports car, no OW, just...depression and anger and it getting worse.
No depo tomorrow, thank goodness--the no contact order saved me I think!
I have S 15 call him every night--he must know it's me that is having him call--and he says dad is still sounding sad. I feel bad about that, but really, he needs help. I hope he has to do some community service and some anger management classes or something.
I am ripping up the disgusting carpet in the master bedroom (H's room). I want to do a treatment on the concrete like you see in some nice stores these days--anything is better than ? 26 year old carpet?? It's a stain that they sell at Lowes.
H is apparently out looking for a place to live, so I don't expect him back at all. I am going to be making some changes-whether or not I get the house, no reason for us to live like this any longer. It's LONG overdue!!
I am watching him decline and while he has "some" similarities to the folks in the mid-life forum, there is no little red sports car, no OW, just...depression and anger and it getting worse.
i hear ya, lauraoh.
same here. no sports car, no OW .. just anger. and y'know what? THEY are the ones who asked for this. and they're acting as if YOU are making life miserable for them.
but you're right .. they have to fix their own issues. not your job.
i am going to continue following your thread here. i'm on team laura.
It's been a week since I've had contact with H. He has another week and a half to go before he goes before a judge. It's still very, very surreal what my life has become!
I do wonder what he's thinking--if anything. Apparently he is telling everyone I fell!! Yeah, that's why I still have a headache/neckache 1 week later?!!
My friend took me out for the most incredible day yesterday. Went and got pedicures, lunch, and bought me a new lock for my front door. We NEVER lock our doors here--weird huh! And I am not the type to freak out and think my H will come back to kill me, but she is.lol.
Her H came and installed it--I just am too blessed!!
And my sister has a divorce attorney for a client who talked to me for a while yesterday--she knows my attorney and says she is very good. She is willing to help me with the settlement agreement and FOR FREE!! Yeah!
I'm ready for a "battle", but I'd like to settle. I just don't think what my H is offering is anywhere close to what I need to survive. My father-in-law has asked me to write down what I want and I'm trying to get motivated to do it, but...the events of the past week have been a nightmare and my mind is not focusing on this stuff.
D4ML, what is happening in your sitch? I know these guys are angry--it doesn't matter who files. All parties are disappointed/angry. It's a loss on both sides. I feel badly for H. I wonder what more I could have done all the time. I luckily had this forum and really worked it--it gives me a lot of peace that I did.
And in my heart will I completely stop DBing? Probably not. I seem to have it in my DNA to focus on his positives and be helpful to him--he isn't a horrible person. Just lost. I have no problem forgiving him. He did love me to the best of his ability, but he is terribly insecure. I have no idea why. But controlling behaviour, like his, is rooted in fear and insecurity.
In a way, he is so pathetic that I am grateful. There are some exH's on here that seem to have it "all together". And if that was my H I think I would be plagued with feelings that it was more "me" than "him".
My H has given me a gift of showing EVERYONE that he has problems.
you are doing so much better than your h. it's good that you are focusing on the positives.
my sitch has pretty much been the same. stbxh moved to this fancy new house and i haven't heard from him since. the last time i saw him, he looked glum but that could all be a front.
he no longer plays squash at my club. but continue to do so. and our paths never cross. he has written me out of his life and i guess i have written him out of mine. there are no phone calls, no emails, no text messages.
my year of separation has come and gone. our SA has not been completed. we are fighting like children over 'stuff' and i'm sick and tired of being the 'bigger person'. i had a wonderful christmas. i'm building a beautiful home. i look back at 2010 and i did a lot for myself. i really surprised myself. my friends are happy for me. my family and i are closer than before.
when i got here, my marriage was DOA. there was nothing that db could have helped. absolutely nothing. my h was so focused on what he perceived as an unfair judicial system that he was out to get me on every nickel and dime. he and his parents bashed me at every opportunity they had. my family, friends, and i remained quiet and reserved. they wanted to beat the living daylights out of hm. but we decided to leave it in God's hands. Trust Him.
so i spent time focusing on me. healing me. counselling opened my eyes. calmed my soul. i am getting better every day.
i have not been served yet. but when the SA is over, it will be done. don't worry. stbxh is thrilled to have me out of his life. i haven't gone looking for that smoking gun. but i'm gonna assume that the man with great morals whom i married is now dead. and replaced by someone with no morals and only wants as much sex as he could get until he dies .. cuz that's what his mommy tells him to do all the time.
i have left db.com and followed others to another board. i have a thread there which documents what i've done so far. i wanted to contact you on the alt to let you know how i've been doing. you have been a great friend and you deserve to know the whole story.
Well, I will say the "vibe" w/ him gone is completely different. I can totally see how without children, they'd be GONE and DONE with you--we represent "failure".
My H kept saying he thought he was doing the right things. I am like you D4ML, quiet and "people should know how I am" kind of person. I probably should have spoken up a while ago and made him aware that focusing on a trailer for 5 years wasn't "doing the right thing". Now he realizes, but he has all his friends, parents, siblings, etc, telling him to "move on".
But we have a child together, so there will be no "end" to this. And I haven't decided if this is good or bad. Depends on how he treats me I guess. It does allow me to be kind to him still. Your H doesn't know how you'd treat him--if you'd be ugly or not. Your range of emotions have to be dealt with and I think they just don't want to have to deal with them.
I know my h's range of emotions are not easy to deal with--heck--he is miserable and depressed right now and THAT is hard--makes me depressed just to think about it!! Angry, depressed, happy--they are all just HARD to deal with.
My neighbors are giving me a couch and loveseat today--my ugly disgusting torn up couch is going on the porch for the dogs. I am overwhelmed again by the kindness of people around me.
And I ripped up the carpet in the bedroom and put down a big area rug--cleaned everything top to bottom and got out H's grandmother's furniture. I don't know if I get the house, but that carpet had to go regardless. It is a blessing to focus on something and make it "mine" in a sense. My S helped and he was so proud of himself and it made him feel good to help his mom.
My H hasn't paid the mortgage this month, and I'm not sure what other bills he is planning on not paying??
I had a meeting with the liason with the state attorney's office and she and I agreed H needs therapy for depression and stress, not jail time. This is his first offense, and she says that for most guys this is a huge wakeup call.
I have some friends that are completely draining me, telling me that they know of this case or that where the husband comes back to kill the W, but I don't think this is my H. And if it is, I can't worry about it. I have too much to do and I'm already exhausted from thinking about other things. He has been very cautious in not contacting me--I haven't heard from his dad or anyone and the only way he contacts me is through his L.
I think if he was planning to harm me he wouldn't be cautios--at all!
He wants me to get him all the info on the taxes for 2010. I don't understand why he can't do it--all I did in the past was wait for things to come in the mail like W2s and statements from the mortgage company telling us how much tax we paid, things like that. He is now getting his mail forwarded to him at his new place, so I don't know why he wasted $ telling his L this and then it goes through my L, so this is probably $100 to tell me something ridiculous.
He also wants to know if I am attending the concert my S will be playing in on the 7th of Feb, because if I'm going he cannot. Yes, of course I am going--sheesh.
I have been reading Job, and a verse really jumped out at me this a.m. :
"Blessed is the man whom God corrects, so do not despise the discipline of the Almightly"
I feel in my marriage I was afraid of my H and that I built a life around living in fear. Now, although painful a lot of the times, there is a correction going on that will ultimately lead to good. I do have a lot of joy in my life--friends are amazing, I'm able to find humor in a lot of my sitch, and I have a lot of compassion for my H too--he is on his own journey and I see that he is really a sad person.
I will have to rebuild my life and it's very challenging--downright terrifying at the moment actually. People are all too willing to tell you how bad the job market is. I just have to trust that there will be something out there for me when the time is right!
Ok, I am feeling really weird like I am underwater and trying to swim up to the top and can't. My head is swirling with different things and I am having trouble concentrating.
I wish I could triage what is "most important". I can't seem to concentrate on one thing without thinking "no, I need to think about THIS--THIS is more important".
I am sorry that you are going through a hard time now. Are you on the mortgage as well or just your H? My dear friend had their home go into forclosure while her ex failed to make the payments. He was giving her very little money and was spending like crazy on the OW.
Right now protect yourself by finding out your options in this case. If the people in RL are making you a bit crazy, stay away for a bit. Watch your back though for your H.
The most iportant thing right now is that you and your son are ok and have a place to live.
Big hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey D4ML, thanks for asking. It's been a while since I posted. I have been doing a lot of lurking on the Midlife Crisis board. I don't really feel I fit in on this forum yet, as most people here are completely done. I sooo envy them!!
There seem to be quite a few people who are in the middle of the D process over there, and they also are the complete experts at thought stopping and patience.lol.
I have had to work really hard at thought stopping. I thought I was pretty good at it from the last time I was here, and in general being a pretty positive person. But I definitely have more work to do--I can go ON AND ON in my head about how H is going to plot to get me and ruin me. Course, it doesn't help that he didn't pay the mortgage for a few weeks there. Finally at the beginning of Feb I learned he did pay it, and he paid up February as well.
There is still a no-contact order for him--the ultimate in going dark huh!...but it is a technique I never tried before and so of course now I still want to monitor results.lol. I am curious if I will see ? regret ? hatred or ?? not sure? in his face the next time I see him. Then the other side tells me I'll probably see the worst expression of all--sheer indifference--the next time. Ugh.
So I've been without contact for 5 weeks now. I have heard it will be lifted after he completes the court-mandated therapy he'll probably get, this being his first offense. I have been looking into schools (I am eligible for assistance with some of my fees through the "displaced homemaker's fund"!) and taking care of my S 15 and looking forward to taking a volunteer hospice class next weekend. Then I will do a CNA class in March and a good friend of mine seems to feel she can get me hired in her dept. Which would be awesome!
I ultimately want to get my RN, but I want to be finished with the D before I start, as my grades have to be excellent and I don't want any distractions.
I still do a lot with friends and have made a few changes to the house--got rid of lots of stuff and bought a really cute reclining loveseat off Craig's list for an absolute steal. I actually have a living room I'm becoming proud of!
I had S get his dad a box of chocolates and a card for Vday. I will never tire of being the better person.lol.
This prompted a funny conversation with my S.
Me: Life is a box of chocolates--just like Forrest Gump says--you never know what you're going to get!
S: Mom, I know EXACTLY what I'm going to get, because I read the descriptions on the top of the lid!
Me: oh yeah--gone are the days of the half-bitten chocolates, or yelling "yuck! I got the orange cream!". Your kids aren't even going to know what that saying means!lol.
