Had my first phone session with the DB counselor this week which was great. I spent the majority of the time talking and talking. Amazing what just talking will do for yourself. Most of the time I feel so alone in this because I don't really have an outlet or feel that anybody is there to listen. I haven't told anybody real close to me and only one friend who lives in Europe knows. I told him because he went through something similar and beat it. Unfortunately we've only spoken once since everything has happened. I have great friends and I know they would be there to listen to and support me if I reached out to them. However, I really don't want to taint the image of my wife with them and make things awkward in the future as I pray we'll be able to reconcile. I figure if people know it will just make everything harder down the road.
Everything feels like such a balancing act these days. It is amazing how much emotions can swing at any given moment and how much. One second I'll be optimistic and literally a moment later I'll be upset and thinking maybe I want the D. What is fortunate for me recently is that I've been able to keep this from the W and remain cheerful around her (before my 180 I was an absolute rollercoaster to be around). I'm honestly not used to being this emotional and it just feels so bizarre. It's not just what is going on with our M but in general the whole experience has made me different. I can be reading something on CNN that is somewhat sad and just burst into tears over it whereas that would never happen before.
I took some time to read Sandi's story from when she was a WAW and it has probably been the most helpful thing in giving me understanding as to what my W is going through. My W too is also emotionally all over the place and in talking to Laurie from DB she said it's also normal. We can have a great couple of days and then for seemingly no reason the wife will be terribly unhappy for a few days. What I've learned and what seems to be working is to capitalize on the times that we are having fun together and the second I sense that she's not into it just back way off and give space while being cheerful and pleasant.
I just got a verbal offer on a new job this week which I'll be starting at the end of January. This is great news for me because I was laid off in December for the second time this year and that was not helping my confidence. I'm debating on jetting off to Europe alone for a quick 7 day vacation and the W thinks it's a good idea too. If I do go I'm debating on not contacting her at all while out there just to break up the tension some. We've never gone a full week without talking in the 8 years we've been together.
I'm going to log off for the night - any and all feedback is always welcome.
