DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[MrBond]

Detaching is when you remove your emotions from the actions of the spouse. Whatever your spouse is doing now, you're analyzing and trying to figure out why they are doing what they are doing (good and bad). When you detach, you remove yourself from that. It's the realization that their actions are their own and that you can't control them.

It almost allows you to step away from the sitch and see everything impartially rather than with your heart.

Going dark is when you sever all contact with your spouse. You don't call snoop or ask how they are. This relieves the "pressure" the WAS felt when the LBS was in their face looking for answers. This does two things: 1) They may start to wonder what you're doing/if you're seeing someone, etc. 2) With the LBS no longer in their sights as the target for their anger and frustration, they start looking within once they see that they still have anger but have no one else to blame but themselves.

Doesn't always work and some people prefer to stay in the "fog" because it's safe and they don't have to take responsibility for their actions. But you never know unless you try.