DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks for all the advice, I like the "family celebration" and "thanking her for my wonderful children" these are great ideas.

I know I still pursue...I want to stop but it's sooooooooo hard.

I just got off the phone with her and she told me "I'm going out to see a show tonight". My obvious response, "With who?" to which she answered, "By myself". To which I said, "Oh OK, I guess I can't come", to which she responded "You have to watch the kids".

This is the first time she's gone out on her own. Not with the kids or her mother, and not to "shop".

I don't know guys I'm really hurting here. My whole goal this weekend is to stay detached.

My C thinks I need to tell my mother that I am angry with her, and that I don't appreciate the fact that she's contributing to the demise of my M. I told her that my W doesn't want me to talk about anything negative with my M until we "resolve our sitch". My C said that's not upto my W. Any thoughts?

PS - Habit, loved your comment about getting better so we can have sex. Soooooooooooooooo true. I could see my W saying that exactly.

[MrBond]

Are you sure there's no OM? If your W isn't the type to go out alone it seems odd she's doing it now.

[habitacker]

Actually I stole that from Sandi2. I think it was something she told me. Only a woman could come up with that. LOL.

This is getting weird. I think this is the third situation in a row that you are in, that I have already faced. My wife has never gone out. She is now. She has done the movie thing, had friends over for x-mas cookie bake day, went to a, haha, ultimate fighting thing, and a concealed weapons course.

This all from someone who never did anything before. Who is it that is supposed to be GAL again?

Each one of those items are a story in itself, and my fingers are getting tired.

I think it was MrBond that said, they are like the crazy lady that is just mumbling to themselves.

[angel61]

Re: Pursuing

I read that thereare people who are pursuers and there are those who are distancers.(MLC articles on the marriage advocate link from Pickle).
Pursuig is an addiction for pursuers. I am one of those. I thought I was done pursuing but later realized I was not. It has to be a conscious effort.
I used to think pursuing was when one does things to try to get back the other person, and shows an expectation. I learned not. Just showing or talking or writing about how you feel for them, even if you say "I am not expecting anything" is already pursuing. Even just the look in your face is - I learned from my H that one of the reasons he wants to run is that he can't stand the expectation I have, just by the way I act and loook at him, when he knows he cannot give it. So that made me avoid even being with him for a long time in the same room, and making myself not react.... detaching, going dark ... so many terms for that.
I guess we always rationalize by saying that our spouses need reassurance. But I think our being there, not deserting the M, is ressurance in itself. Our acting cool, and not angry, and not questioning, makes them know we still love them.

[habitacker]

Angel, this makes sense. From day 1 before I new about DB, my wife hated it when I said, I love you. She told me it was because she could not say it back.

Maybe one of the reasons they don't like pursuing is guilt. They can't return the love.

I am not detaching very good, but I think you need to know the difference between detaching and going dark. I kind of know this in my mind, but am not sure how to write it. Maybe someone like MrBond can respond to this and give us a definition of the difference.

[MrBond]

Detaching is when you remove your emotions from the actions of the spouse. Whatever your spouse is doing now, you're analyzing and trying to figure out why they are doing what they are doing (good and bad). When you detach, you remove yourself from that. It's the realization that their actions are their own and that you can't control them.

It almost allows you to step away from the sitch and see everything impartially rather than with your heart.

Going dark is when you sever all contact with your spouse. You don't call snoop or ask how they are. This relieves the "pressure" the WAS felt when the LBS was in their face looking for answers. This does two things: 1) They may start to wonder what you're doing/if you're seeing someone, etc. 2) With the LBS no longer in their sights as the target for their anger and frustration, they start looking within once they see that they still have anger but have no one else to blame but themselves.

Doesn't always work and some people prefer to stay in the "fog" because it's safe and they don't have to take responsibility for their actions. But you never know unless you try.

[ScaredinCanada]

Ok yesterday was a crazy day for the number of things that happened.

Just as I was getting home from work, I got an e-mail from my mother asking to talk D4 out on Sunday to get a dress for her birthday. I replied and told her I would have to talk to the W and get back to her.

So I talk to the W, and she says "If your M wants to see my kids then she can call and ask me herself - she's not going to get the joy of seeing the kids while avoiding me completely." I agreed with her and I said it made sense. So I called my M and told her she'd need to call and talk to my W in order to find out if she could take D4 out. She said that be fine and she'd call after the girls were in bed.

Next my W tells me that maybe I should watch the movie "Eat Pray Love" from the night before that she told me I wouldn't like it. She finished it, and believes I might actually like it. I told her there wouldn't be time for me to watch it last night because the kids were watching a movie. I honestly believe after the Julia Roberts character leaves her husband and finds someone else, they probably go back in the end to show you that her exH is also happier now since the D.

So here's the quote word for word (as she wrote it down):
"We all want things to stay the same afraid of change, afraid of being ruined. Ruin is a gift a road to transformation" the second part appears to be a different quote, "Both of us deserve better then staying together for fear we will be destroyed if we don't".

Talk about supporting her position. Between these love story/always happy ending chick flicks and the save a horse ride a cowboy country music - she is living in a dream world. She believes life is too short, and that there something (re:someone) better for her if she just goes for it (re: divorce her crappy husband SIC).

Next she tells me she called and booked IC - my jaw dropped. I was shocked but happy. Ends up we have the same C, which I'm not so sure I like. I've only been to her twice, but like I said earlier she's not exactly instilling confidence in me. She's heard of DB and MWD but she didn't exactly endorse it. She says she also does MC, so I am a little nervous that we'll get pulled in together too soon. Her appointment is on Monday night.

So we get the girls to bed, and my M calls at the strike of 9pm. I answer the phone and tell my M, that I'll get my W. It starts out ok, they talk about D4. Then my W just starts laying into her about THEIR R how damaging it's been to our M. My W has an azamaing memory and she was grilling my M with specific incidents and even the specific hurtful things she said to my W almost 15 years ago! I felt really good at first, she ended up talking for about 30 minutes. It ended with my W refusing to accept my M appology and telling her that she's done and wants no R with her. She said she won't try and keep the kids from her, but will not step foot in their house again.

I tried not listen the whole time, but I kind of needed to know what my W was getting off her chest. I was actually shaking, again because I avoid conflict, and the thought of having to speak to my M next time is terrifying. I have no idea how she reacted when she got off the phone? Did she cry to my F all night, did she build and eve n stronger resentment for my W?

I don't know. I'm certainly glad it happened, but I am slightly scared when these mountains are climbed because I also feel like it's one more thing crossed off my W's list before she walks away for good.

This morning was good, I got up with the kids and I let the W sleep in. When she got up she talked briefly about the convo with my M, and basically just said she felt really good to have gotten it off her chest.

Then she asked me out of the blue, how much she thought we could sell our house for? I told her, and she said she thought we could get more. I just told her I was thinking about selling right now, and that it's never a good thought to sell in the winter anyways.

No other changes - towards US she is as cold as ever.

[ScaredinCanada]

This is getting weird. I think this is the third situation in a row that you are in, that I have already faced. My wife has never gone out. She is now. She has done the movie thing, had friends over for x-mas cookie bake day, went to a, haha, ultimate fighting thing, and a concealed weapons course.

This all from someone who never did anything before. Who is it that is supposed to be GAL again?

Each one of those items are a story in itself, and my fingers are getting tired.

Habit, if you get a chance - can you explain? I think the reason she decided to go out on her own is that she hasn't worked in about 4 nights so we've been home together a lot. I think she's trying to detach from me - physically.

Like was said before, I actually believe she does feel bad about how she is making me feel. I think she is waiting around for me to "stop loving her" so we can part ways mutually. That isn't going to happen - not for a long time.

[Harrier]

Next she tells me she called and booked IC - my jaw dropped. I was shocked but happy. Ends up we have the same C, which I'm not so sure I like. I've only been to her twice, but like I said earlier she's not exactly instilling confidence in me. She's heard of DB and MWD but she didn't exactly endorse it. She says she also does MC, so I am a little nervous that we'll get pulled in together too soon. Her appointment is on Monday night.

Just one thing. There is no way that your C should have agreed to see your wife. I would get a new C.

[ScaredinCanada]

Harrier,

Please explain? I guess there is potential for conflict of interest?

Should I tell my W not go with her or should I just call her and tell the C that I don't think it's a good idea?