Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[Starsky309]

Would still love for others opinions and comments...

I would love to help you with those opinions and comments, MJ, but the moderator is delaying them by as much as EIGHT DAYS, and by the time my posts show up to you (ex.: "You're being naive, 12/29), they are buried 2 pages upthread, and you never see them.

Not sure why this is; must be a technical glitch. I think it has something to do with threads that are too long.

Starsky

[mj144]

Can you expand on your naive comment?

[Starsky309]

Can you expand on your naive comment?

Sure. I meant that it's naive to think that being conciliatory during this stage of your sitch will "gain you points" somehow with your wife. More likely, she will respond to your strength, and standing up for yourself more.

Specifically, nearly everyone has advised you NOT to move out, for many and various reasons. It's seemed to me that your ONLY reason to not do so, was that you were somehow trying to appease your wife, in the hopes that it could score you points and that she'd view you more favorably.

I think that's naive.

Starsky

[mj144]

The reason I decided to move out was 2 fold.

1. I was not(and am still not) detaching. I am consumed with every thought about her and how to get her back. What I can do in her presence to show her I am changing. I was also driving myself nuts walking on eggshells around her.

2. She was in the process of setting a meeting for us to go see a mediator to start the D process.

She agreed to stop with my suggestion I move out.

Me moving out gives me a chance to slow her down and hopefully giving me the time I need to detach, GAL and draw her back into my M with changes I am making. In the end, either I stayed and she starts the D, or I move out and I am able to successfully DB and save my M, or she starts the D at a later time.

I see reasons why people are telling me that I shouldn't move out, but no one has commented on my perspective of it all.

Granted, the whole situation turned into a fustercluck when I lost my job, but that is a whole other story. That may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Denver_2010]

Mj - I think that you need to do what is best for you, even if that means moving out. This Dbing is all about doing 180s, GAL, and "acting as if"... for you, that may be moving out and gaining some independence from your W. Even though she is the WAS, she is trying to control you.

I know that many on the board say that it is bad to be physically separated, but I've seen some situations on here where there was success with that. Where it made it easier to DB. And I KNOW that in my situation, W not leaving our home would NOT have resulted in anything good. There needed to be separation for both of us. Things had progressed to the point with us that nothing was going to improve with us both in the same home. Now, 6 weeks later, things aren't all that much better, but I do feel the anger lifting on her part.

That is my W and I's specific situation though. Every sitch is different. You obviously know your sitch better than anyone on this site, so use that insight on the situation and your W's mood to make a decision. But make a decision! Not for us or for your W, but for you... what is best for you???

Once you have made that choice, DB. GAL, do your 180s, get a DB coach if you need to. But you have to be decisive right now.

MJ - Just wanted to point out that I commented on your perspective a couple of days ago. Not many people think that physical separation is a good thing, but I have to think that there are some situations where it is actually better. My point was that only you know whether that is true for you.

[sarahani]

Hi MJ:

I am in no position to give you advice as I don't know what to do myself but I will tell you that my husband and I are separated now and I wish I knew about DB'ing before he moved out. I like you thought that once he moved out and I detached from him he would miss us and immediately be back! Not so my friend it's been over 3 months and all I do is fight, fight, and fight with him because he doesn't miss us and I miss him. I don't have as much opportunities where I can GAL and all of the other DB techniques as I would if he was still in the home. I think DB'ing is hard to do as we have seen by all the posts but IMO it becomes tougher once the S is out of the house. D becomes easier for them to do once they have taken the step to move out, you see she did say that she will slow down the process but she didn’t offer you no guarantees as to how long. Since she did tell you not to move out because of the financial situation maybe she wont rush into things if you stayed anyways.

I see your point clearly as I felt that way in my sitch but that was before I knew about DB. Now that I know I wish we were still in the same house I would have been more confident that I could have saved my M. Every time I see him now he becomes more distant than the last…it’s a toughie but I say STAY! I haven’t read all your posts and am not sure if there is a A or not but when my husband moved out he become more attached to the OW.

Just my 2 cents...

[MrBond]

mj,

All you're doing is looking for someone to validate your POV and agree with you that moving out is the best thing to do. No one can make that final decision but yourself.

There are risks and benefits for staying and leaving. I still say that in your sitch, you've given up all your cards and gave her the upper hand. I know she threatened to see a L, etc. But she didn't actually pull the trigger. My W did the same thing and I chose to stay.

But for now, if she's upset at the money spending part, then why would you leave? That's my point. The money is a big deal because it affects your standard of living. Stop worrying about what she thinks and start thinking about you.

[Denver_2010]

it's been over 3 months and all I do is fight, fight, and fight with him because he doesn't miss us and I miss him. I don't have as much opportunities where

I haven’t read all your posts and am not sure if there is a A or not but when my husband moved out he become more attached to the OW.

Just my 2 cents...

Sara - I just had to respond to your post here. I have not read your thread bc I have not seen it. Anyway, my W and I are physically separated and there is OM in my sitch too. I'm not sure status of R bw W and OM, was EA when she left, may be PA now, may be over now, I don't ask. Point is, I am trying to be the better choice for W now. You are right that it is very difficult with the physical separation, but how could you continue to live in same home as S knowing of ongoing A? I don't know that I could. But as I've learned, we never know just how we will react until we are in a particular situation.

Anyway, your comment that all you do with H is fight, fight, fight concerns me. Stop fighting with H about missing you. Why would he miss you if you continue to fight with him??? That is pressure and pursuit of the worst kind IMO. I guarantee you that he will not see you as better option with the continued arguing. Be the better woman and better option. I read on here that pushing S closer to OP is sometimes better bc it takes the A out of the realm of fantasy and into reality. Some have said that this is a necessary step for A to burn out. Curious on opinions about this?

Either way, there is NOTHING that you can do or say that is going to change your Hs actions right now. You can argue until you are blue in the face! He is living a fantasy right now and isn't going to change his choices until he begins to miss you and see you as the better option for his life. JMO

[mj144]

Mr B, she has always had the upper hand. She was pulling the trigger. She played phone tag with a mediator the week of Christmas. I have only spent 1 night at my apartment since my W was away on a ski trip this weekend. I am headed back tonight and we'll see how the week goes. I can always move back, but then what if she does pull the trigger. Then I am screwed. In Colorado it is a 90 day waiting period. If I call her bluff, then I could potentially be divorced by the end of April. We have agreed to not get lawyers involved(for now) so that will only speed up the process.

You may be right that I am looking for validation, but I have no clue what to do at this point. I feel like I am trapped between a rock and a hard place. I really don't think that there is anything I can do that will have positive results.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

[mj144]

I am thinking about me. I really think it is best for me and my sanity to be away from her. I know there is another side to that but at this point, again, I may be beyond any point of return..