WAW tearing up our family

[ironMan]

Hello, new here. I've been reading the boards for a while but this is my first post. I'm really sorry to be here .... but glad that this place exists so that all of us aren't alone.

Sitch: We started dating the first week of college. She was gorgeous and I had to become her friend as she was interested in my roommate. Then one night, we went to a party together and thus started our journey together.

At the end/after college I developed a habit of chatting online and it became very bad for me. I tried to quit repeatedly without sustained success. A year into our marriage this led to me actually meeting somebody. I panicked and didn't have sex with them, but was broken inside. I couldn't believe what I had become and couldn't bear to think I had sunk this low. I began seeing a counciler and a support group to help me break this habit. It worked. I had to tell her what happened so that she could leave if she wanted. I couldn't live with the burdon of this secret. She was devastated but stayed with me. A few years later we were more in love and more passionate than ever. Although the balance of power had changed. I was always the strong and confident one .... and I had become very dependent and clingy to her. I always took care to let her know what I was up to, not work late too much etc. and she always struggled to trust me. But, things were good I thought all in all.

Until, I discovered her EA with a co-worker in 2007, we almost split then but we both seemed to be getting along better and better .... then she got pregnant.

I told myself that I had to just put all that behind me as we had somebody else to put first now. We were SOOO close during the pregnancy and we were both so excited to welcome our baby into the world. We worked hard together to prepare for and then have the baby. Whenever she looked at me, I could see she was full of love for me and our new family.

She was distant but things were still going pretty well since the baby was about 6 mos old, but I figured it was related to all the hormonal changes etc.

Sex really began to dissipate this fall, before learning on our anniversary that she "loved me but was not in love with me". I told her she needed to go to counciling, and she said that nobody else would be able to make her love me. She relented and went.

I called anxiously after her first session, which annoyed her (I did spend much of our relationship trying to fix her and telling her what was wrong and what she should do about it .... which was of course a big mistake). She said the therapist had told her to get a separation (really, she said that's what she wanted and the therapist helped her work towards telling me this). I went ballistic ..... why would she want her daughter to be away from one of us all the time ... and why did she want to be away .... was this guy back? Was there another one ..... WTF is going on .... who is this selfish person?

She agreed to go to marriage counciling and we did develop much better lines of communication between us. I picked up DB and started applying some 180s. However, her desire to get out didn't go away. She told me on 12/23 that she didn't see us working out. She had been working on some co-dependency issues with her therapist and decided she couldn't find out who she was while she was with me. WAW, MLC ... I don't know. But I did feel like I was dealing with more like a 15 yr old than a 31 yr old.

Christmas with my family was horrible. I couldn't believe the woman I loved and intended to live my life with was doing this. She was putting distance between us and was no longer affectionate in any way.

I decided on 12/27 to begin LRT. She was distraught that I was being so nice and said that I was a much better person than she was and didn't understand how I was taking this so well.

I had a phone coaching session with Laurie on 1/4 because I knew that there was a serious talk coming. My W warned me that there was one coming and that I wouldn't be happy.

I did well even in our therapy session on 1/5 where she told me that she wanted to separate. I DBed very well .... told her I didn't like what was happening but understood how she was miserable and needed to separate.

She tried to discuss details and logistics and I said I wasn't ready yet and the therapist said that I deserved a week or two to digest this.

So, here we are. No firm plans to S yet, but she has suggested that we get an apt and then take turns being home with the daughter (1.5 yrs old) and the 2 dogs.

I do think that would be best for D, but .... not sure it will let her experience being separate. We have always kept finances separate, but I make about twice as much (she makes good money too though). My gut tells me to insist that I'm staying in the house where my home office is etc. so that I can continue to prep the house for selling it in the spring (we intended to do this anyway). And, she could experience life without my income to assist her. I need help here. If the W intends to divorce anyway, the D will be changing homes anyway so is delaying this by 6 months worth the buffer it will give my WAW?


Thank you very much for the support I've already received by just reading everybody's posts.