2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Augtan]

It has has destoryed me to be so close to XH, but back in the Fall he came up here a lot and things were really looking good, then he fell back in with OW #2 who is truly a horrible, awful woman...she lost custoday of her 13 yr old daughter because she was having men in and out of her bed and the D13 could hear her mom having sex with these men, D13 and D4 (both by different Dad's and the whore is only 33 yrs old) were being left alone overnight so she could sleep over at other men's houses, she beat D13 one morning cause she left a dish out, pulled her by the hair down the stairs....it goes on and on...this is what this man, my XH wants over me and his real family.

But, only because he thinks so little of himself and subconsciencely knows this is all he will be able to get to date him after all he has done to his own kids. It is beyond a mess and sooo sad. My D18 was living down there with him and he put her in the middle of some very awful situations, he goes out partying every single night (and I am not exhagerating this at all!!), he has no job now so he is even more miserable and latching on to anything to take the pain away for even a minute and I guess this OW does that (he says they are just friends now, but I dont' believe a word he says!!), the crazy drama that she brings leaves no time for him to think about his own awful life and mess!! D18 is moving back up here to graduate HS and be with me and her family this weekend...so he will be left with no one and nothing again.

I asked him when he lost his job this past Fall when things were going good with us to move up here and live in my condo, that I would take D18 and live at my parents (who leave for 5 mo.) while he stayed rent free at my place with D11 and S15, it would cut down on expenses and such, but he hasn't even entertained the idea and continues to want to live like a 21 year old again, with no responsibility and no family. He was very into my D15's football, coached him, etc. He came and saw D15 play one game this last fall and that was it, he is missing his son play HS football, something my real H would have never missed...but I am finally really done feeling bad for him and trying to make him see all he is missing, I don't cry anymore about it and I am really feeling so strong now. I am DONE!!! He will one day be very, very sorry and I will feel really bad for him then, but no matter how much he blames me (and he does everytime he can say "you took the kids away from me", like our marriage was great and I just up and left, not that he had left us for OW #1 and was telling me he was never, ever coming back!!!).

Stay tough and strong!! You can do it, and it gets easier everday..doesn't it??? We are better off without these people who don't want us!! Why I kept wanting someone who didn't want me is something I know is wrong within me and need to fix, I mean I know why..I wanted my old H, I wanted my family like it was, I wanted the fairy tale back that we had, but I have to deal with that this is DEAD, he is DEAD, the real him anyway!! I am working hard on ME!!! And, being a much better mom to my kids, cause all these years I have been in so much pain haven't been fair to them at all!! But, I am human and I am real..so they know this and I think that is okay, but now I will do better!!

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