Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Thanks Cas and Beatrice. Cas, this day did turn out to be a gift because I have a lot more clarity. I feel I understand better that he is really still in a dark place and that I can't pull him out of it, nor can she. I think he's got himself convinced she can. I haven't seen him cry since before the first time he left. He broke down at least 4 separate times, briefly, but spontaneously. He tried very hard to control it and he couldn't. He said he shouldn't have said all those things to me and been so honest. You know, I could take hearing everything. Easily. I think he didn't want to say them because saying them out loud makes them more real for him. I think that means I'm detached from the bomb now. I'm not detached from loving him, though.

I am internalizing his problems, yes. My heart broke all over again for him when I saw him this way. And if he came to me and asked for help (I know that he won't) I'd have a tough time saying no. Despite what he did, I saw that scared child again today, the kid who never had control due to his parents' abuse and lack of love, espcially when he said the anger comes from feeling a lack of control.

He seemed to pride himself on the fact that he was able to tell the OW that he came from an abusive background and had, as he put it, "an irrational mind" and "anger" at such an early stage of their relationship. He said "it took me a long time to tell you but I told her right away." But guess what? I got out my diary today. 23 years ago, he didn't tell me he was abused, but he did tell me that he was "insane" and "irrational" and "didn't want to get into a relationship because he never in his life wanted to hurt another person." He said to me today that he told her all this to begin their relationship. He's repeating the same patterns. This can't end well for him.

But he has to learn that himself. I'm sure that OW is just like I was, telling him no, it's ok, we can face anything. She'll learn. Even if she can face anything like I did, he will crack.

He said he can't get over the change in me, which was brought about by intense therapy and this board and my family and friends and anti-depressants. I said "I'm living proof that we can get rid of our bad patterns. It works." He said that was great but he just couldn't take my route. He couldn't go to therapy. "No way am I ever doing that or going on anti-depressants", and he also rationalized to great length why he doesn't need friends. He just kept saying "I'm going to handle it."

It breaks my heart to see this because he's going to fail. And when I see this, when I saw how conflicted and broken he is "just under the surface", I almost didn't care what he did to me because I know that I could and did handle what happened. I feel like he is headed for a big fall and I can't stop him and I can't intervene.

So yes, you're totally right. It has to be cool and dark for my sake. And I do agree with you, Beatrice, that I have wondered a long time myself if this is really MLC or a larger life crisis that was unresolved since the time he was young. He is desperately trying to hold both of use in the balance and "be good" and that doesn't seem like typical MLC to me. In fact, when I told him that I was moving away from feeling intense anger towards OW for what happened and instead feeling anger towards him, he said, "Oh no, don't do that to me." For a long time he kept saying I shoudln't blame her but I should blame him. Now that I've said I'm no longer blaming her for our issues, he reacted by telling me that the marriage was good for a long time and not to forget the good memories. That's not a guy in MLC. That's a guy trying to please everyone to stop the conflict around him that he has created.