This Storm Shall Pass

[dolphin_05]

Hello Sanderika, Thanks for your response.

If you think about it your emotions are basically the same towards each other, just not quite in sync.

I'm not sure about that.

I think that each time he has run away he distances himself for shorter periods of time.

Agreed

He wants reconnection back to you and uses D to get there. The saddest part is he has D on the same ride. IMO, H has to reconnect with D. He feels worse emotionally when they are on the outs. He truly loves her and in reality can't stand it when they are estranged. He comes creeping back to her slowly.....tests the waters......until she accepts him back. This same thing happens between you and H.

I'm not sure H wants reconnection with me as he attempts reconnection with D but not with me. I made the first contact not H. Time will tell because there's no further contact coming from me at this stage. He makes lots of contact with D. I think D is handling things very well. H has to work a lot harder and much more consistently to have a real relationship with D.

I am disgusted that I am actually faced with a D knowing how far H and I have come. I am disgusted by the fact the OW is still in his life. I feel I will completely bow out of his world after next week due to my inability to move on......

I feel your pain and anguish on this. My own decision remains to step aside and give myself space and detachment. It's the only hope I have to find the real me and realise my own goals. Each of us walks our own path, though.

Take Care Sanderika,

Cas

[dolphin_05]

well, well, well........ a text from H to follow up on my medical situation! Now that's a surprise

[Sanderika]

Hello Cas,



Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hello, how are you feeling?

[dolphin_05]

Sanderika, I hope you are at peace at the moment and that you have reached a place of clarity as you move closer to your court date.

(((((Sanderika)))))

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I just returned from taking son to school. I'm glad it's Friday he will be home with me for the next two days and I love his company.

I am filled with anxiety and tears.

I am trying to keep really busy. Here in the U.S. we have income taxes coming up on April 15th, I am trying to bury myself in those for the companies I manage, 5 returns in all to do. I want to get as much done prior to next week in case I can't manage to do much after. I guess what I am saying....while I still have a thread of hope I am coping. Once the hope is gone, I am afraid of.....I am just so sad.....

I'm crying....I'm logging out

[Lorie1964]

Sanderika

Lots and lots of hugs and prayers are going out to you today!!

[dolphin_05]

Thinking of you Sanderika.

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

I have been thinking about you all week and trying to think of what I could write to you that might comfort you or to offer a slightly different perspective that might afford you some peace. I know how devastated I was when my D became final and I had been M’ed only a fraction of the time you have been M’ed……… and I have been standing for 3 years less than you. You and your H have reconnected in many ways over the past few years, and especially the past few months and H has told you recently that he loves you. This is all so senseless…………..I read somewhere that the saddest Ds are those in which both parties still love one another. I still feel that pain in my situation and I know that in your situation your pain must be compounded several fold. Whatever happens, please know that we are all here for you. We understand, at least in some small way, your grief.

a D decree is (a piece of paper) and comes with such a painful price I have to wonder if the R, even as friendship, can sustain the damages. I am going to have to think on this long and hard. I am disgusted that I am actually faced with a D knowing how far H and I have come. I am disgusted by the fact the OW is still in his life. I feel I will completely bow out of his world after next week due to my inability to move on......

In my situation my XH wasn’t able to begin reconnecting with me until after the D and even then, I know that I do not want to be “just friends” with my XH. I can imagine how much more these feelings are compounded for you since you and H have reconnected in many, many ways over the past 5.5 years. It really makes no sense for him to move forward with the D now.

With that said, I would like to share with you some bits from Freckle6’s past threads that I have been reading recently. CW suggested that I read her thread because she and he XH began piecing 5 years after the bomb and ~4 months before their D became final in January 2010. Her XH moved back with Freckle6 and her son in October 2010. Maybe some of what is written here could give you a new perspective on your situation. Their reconnection began with this thread: www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2064616&page=1.

For me and my "W", I truly think the D HAD TO happen in order for us to even have the remote possiblity of a second chance that we are in now half a year later from it.

It brought closure to the M problems. It brings me no shame now to say the M was in fact irrevocably broken. Everything that transpired up to the S clouded over that happiest of days when we married.

Yesterday I got some stuff in the mail from his lawyer and that threw me for a loop. It was the revised divorce paperwork from some court stuff we had in July. I thought he had to pay some extra money to his lawyer to get this stuff prepared and filed so I guess he did--but he could have done that 3 months ago... I guess now all it needs is the judge's signature and we'll be divorced. Go figure!

It really is just a piece of paper at this point (we've been apart 4.5 years), but it still threw me. 12 months ago it would have made me feel relieved that that part of my life would finally have closure. Now? Obviously things are different. LOL I haven't said anything about it to him. We're still in contact every day and even flirting back and forth texting at this very moment, so I'm going to try to compartmentalize the legal stuff and keep it separate from what there is between us right now.

During this past month or so that we've been spending time together I've even thought that it might be best to finish the divorce even if we reconcile. Kind of a symbolic end to all the crap of the last 5+ years so this can be a fresh start. I guess I just don't like getting tangible reminders of the symbolic end in the mail.

After going through all this, I firmly believe that "marriage" isn't something that can be created or severed by a legal document. It's what's in the heart that counts.

Now, how does one celebrate an un-honeymoon? LOL s

Sanderika, I ‘m sorry that the quotes above are out of context, but I wanted to give you a snippet of what was said on that thread. You may find some comfort there.

I will continue to say prayers for you.

(((((Sanderika)))))

GAG

[Sanderika]

Thank you Lorie, Cas and GAG I truly appreciate your thoughts of me.

Last night I went to bed really early and read the Bible for about 45 mins before turning out the lights....I guess looking for comfort, faith and hope. I did not seek out these exact passages, at random I turned to different books and passages.

The same exact passages I read last night in Psalms and Isaiah were written in today's daily devotions by Rejoice Marriage Ministries which I have coming to my email automatically.

AND...

On today's First Radio Parish Church devotion that appears during our local morning news on tv....Rev. Panagore read the entire passage from 1 Corinthians 13:4 -

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its
own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not
rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears
all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures
all things.
Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as
for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass
away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is
imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will
pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I
thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I
became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see
in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in
part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have
been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide,
these three; but the greatest of these is love."

To me the significance of this is that 1 Corinthians 13:4
is the last passage I stumbled upon and read fully before I turned out my lights.

I am not one who knows the Bible well. I will admit I have turned to it from time to time over the past 5.5 years to gain some comfort. I have not been a faithful follower.

Is this a message I am supposed to find? I have proclaimed myself a Stander for my marriage.

Is God working in us? We have experienced noticeable changes in my husband's heart.

Is this all coincidental? Am I grasping for reasons to have hope, patience and faith?

GAG, I am working on reading the thread link you posted for me.

Do you all believe that DB really works best before our spouses actually leave, while there is still a thread of commitment to the marriage?

Do you all believe that extreme separations like mine rarely result in reconciliations? It appears for those reconciled the separations range from a few weeks to less than 2 years.

For those who actually divorce, what ultimately reconnects the two again? I can say that I have done the bulk of the work thus far. Yes, I have seen major changes in my H, but reality tells me that he isn't prepared to reconcile now or later.

I am spending a great deal of time in solitude, sorting out my feelings this week. I have run the entire range from happy to devastated to love to hate to who cares to anger and everything in between. Coping is hard as I am pretty much to consumed in my thoughts to accomplish anything.

I love you all for your kindness and just being there to listen to me....I wish I could hug you all in person.

Sanderika