2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Augtan]

It's been awhile since I have posted on this board, I have been on MLC board reading and doing some posting, but not much!

Whitney- I totally sympathize with you and understand where you are coming from and the fine line you walk, as I do others on here with similar situations to mine.

I have gone back and forth, up and down and back again with my XH! He is very messed up in MLC and been through two OW's. We have been on family trips, he stays at my house when he comes to visit me and the kids (we live 700 miles apart), we are intimate when he comes, we act like a family and it is pretty good most of the time, he even drove 10 hours and showed up unannounced on my doorstep on a Friday night to spend the weekend with us. I have done things to screw it all up when we have gotton really close because I get my hopes up sooo much and don't handle things like I should, I get all jealous and do things that just push him away.

Before Thanksgiving he was texing me "good-night beautiful" and things were going really great between us despite the long distance, but I freaked cause I found out he was at the same party with OW #2 and walked her to her car!!

We got past that..sorta..and he was coming for Christmas, I wasn't over his continual contact with her (even though we had made no commitment to each other, except having been married for 17 plus years). He showed up Chrismas Eve and I went nuts on him..it was 10 pm and I hadn't eaten and had had too much wine, but still no excuse and it was awful. We made up and he left on a good note, but had said something to really hurt me during sex, so I was determined not to contact him. I stuck to it and he called me about our D18, then I sent him an email drawing the line in the sand, saying I won't be used and abused anymore, I am done with it all, I deserve more and will find it. He called and said he got the email and was soooo very sorry, that he knew he had hurt me and owed me an apology, I accepted and moved on from it and we had a nice conversation. I haven't heard from him since or contacted him either, it has been 4 days, which I know doesn't sound long, but for us with all our kids stuff, it is a long time.

I refuse to initiate any contact anymore and I think he knows I am serious this time, but I don't think he cares. I have to move on in 2011 and am determined to do so, no more family trips, no more staying at each others houses, no more sex, no more pictures or videos of the kids from me, nothing. It is just to painful and leaves me stuck. I don't want a liar and cheater and know I would never, ever live in peace even if he did come back, he has lied too much.

I miss being married and having a whole family more than I can describe. I miss the husband, man, father, and lover that I once had in XH, but that man is gone and I now believe he is gone for good, I might see glimpes of my old H, but it won't last long before the alien that took over is back.

Hang in there all on here, it will get better, and believe that if the X is going to want to come back and you want them back...they will show you in a big way and be willing to prove it in a big way!! I believe that with my whole heart. When a man wants a woman he goes after her, I am not going to settle for less than him coming after me in a really big way, and I am sure women who have done similar things would do the same with the man they really want! We need to stop letting them cake-eat!! They chose this, let them live the REAL consequences of what they picked and wanted so bad, we need to stop making it so easy!!

A