my question about whether her being upbeat being good or bad relates to the status her and the OM. If she has or is planning end the EA, I wouldn't think that she would be that upbeat about it. On the other hand, if it is continuing and she thinks it can go on then maybe that is why she is upbeat.
Maybe I am over thinking things too much and should just accept it for what it is. Trying to interpret all of her actions etc is very trying and not very productive.
Maybe I am over thinking things too much and should just accept it for what it is. Trying to interpret all of her actions etc is very trying and not very productive.
I think that you answered your own question. Trust me, I'm guilty of this everyday, but your statement is right.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
The issue of a EA vs a PA is a complicated one. The fact that she has feelings for another man is painful to accept. I am not sure what my reaction would have been had she told that it had progressed to a PA. There is alot of debate on whether an EA is the same as a PA. The only thing that I can say is that in both cases, the core trust of the marriage has been broken.
In my wife's case, she has decided to take concerns that she had about me to another man without ever having raised them directly with me. I admit, that I probably missed or ignored the hints and signs over the years, but I doubt that she took the same approach when discussing our personal lives with a co-worker.
Since I confronted her about the EA, I have been very supportive of her and have not changed any of my DBing behaviour. I continue to do all of those things that I neglected to do for so many years whether or not she accepts or acknowledges them.
Regarding the major purchase, for me it was why would you want to continue this charade, by talking about the future and planning for the future if in her mind the future isn't happening? If she truly does not want to stay married then lets get on with it. Its obviously not what I want, but to continue to live under these false pretenses is very challenging. I agree that it probably came across as a pressure tactic and that was not my intent. What I was trying to gauge was whether or not she is thinking of us having a future.
I also agree with you that I think she is still very much on the fence and is trying to continue down both paths until she finally makes up her mind. Although not great, it is still better then having her decide that the OM is the way to go.
I need to put aside my pride and anger and give her the time and space that she needs to sort this out.
Wife has called me two times at work each of the last 2 days. I had not initiated any calls to her. She called me this morning to tell me that she really didn't want to got to work today. She has been feeling this way more and more lately and maybe a good sign re her ending the EA. In the past she has always been eager to get into work even when she was tired or sick.
I didn't press her on the reason why, just acknowledged that it is tough to get to work in the morning if you are not feeling motivated to do so. She continues to pursue getting a new job although one of the options is still with the same company.
I have not expressed any of my discomfort with her looking internally and have not told her that she needs to find a job with a new company. I have offered to help her update her resume which she was very appreciative of.
I am taking all of this as very small but still positive signs for the future.
In terms of GAL, I have recently embarked on a committment to go out for lunch once a week with co-workers. Although not intended, I seem to have no difficulty in finding female co-workers who are more than excited to go out for lunch with me. I have had 4 lunch "dates" with female co-workers over the past 5 weeks and as a result I am starting to re-appreciate the enjoyment of female companionship even if it is just for lunch and conversation.
Wife was in another upbeat mood yesterday. Gut was telling me that something wasn't right. Did some checking and confirmed that she is still communicating and going for coffee with the OM.
A few days after I had confronted her about the EA, she told me that she was no longer talking to him, which I found hard to believe. Based on the text message I saw, he is fully up to speed on all the goings on of my family, so this meeting for coffee was not a one-time relapse.
Need help here, do I tell her that I know she is still seeing the OM and repeat the boundaries discussion or just lay low?
When I confronted her, I told her that she can't be half in and half out of the marriage. If she wants to be with him then I would work through a divorce with her even though I did not want to go this route.
I don't think I was clear on the consequences. I told her that what she was doing was disrespectful and wrong but did not say what would be the consequence if she did not stop seeing him. For example, I didn't say that if you don't stop seeing him then you will have to find somewhere else to live. I did not give her a directive to stop seeing him specifically, it was more of the EA needs to end or we get a divorce. She is the one who then told me that she was not seeing him until she decided what she is going to do.
Maybe she has made up her mind and has not been able to come to terms with telling me. That is part of the reason I challenged her about buying the item for our vacation home. That is when she said we will talk later and of course we never did.
My goal is to save our marriage and protect our children from the emotional pain of going through a divorce. Achieving this goal will be difficult as long as the OM is still in the picture. My wife's interest in the marriage right now is simply ensuring that I am there to run errands and make sure the kids get to their activities. She is not interested in how I feel or what I am dealing with, this she saves for the OM. I am not sure how much of this I can tolerate knowing that she has no interest in the family as long as she has the OM.
The path to reaching my goal is to continue to DB and do those things I neglected to do in the past.
