Am I piecing? Just can't tell 2...

[Harrier]

Thanks Denver.
I understand you are an attorney. I am as well. I'm from Colorado and my sister is also an attorney there. I just got my on motion admission approved for the Colorado Bar. I still have to get sworn in. Also, I know I'm damn lucky. I don't know if you know my whole situation, but at one point my W wanted a D or at the very least to move out for a bit. Those didn't happened and I am grateful for that.

SBH
I had a very solid meeting with my IC today and he put a lot of things in perspective. He said despite the NYE incident that there is a lot of positive there. He also said he though my reaction to it probably wasn't proportional to what actually happened. My IC also does couples counseling so he brings in some of that as well. He knows, and this applies to your situation as well, that the path back is not a straight line and there will be ups and downs but as long as the trajectory is positive that's what is important.

I do disagree with your assessment. I don't want to get to the point of not caring. First of all, I don't think my W cares so little. If she didn't care, she'd be out the door. If she didn't care she's be content to live as roomates for the next 30 years. But she is going to MC, she is taking steps like sleeping in the same bed, trying to restart our sex life, and lastly working really hard to get through this from her end. That my friend is not caring a little bit that is caring a lot. I know at times she didn't care, but that is over now. As I said to you yesterday my W told me that she knows she does have a lot to lose and is thankful I haven't bailed - physically or emotionally.


Your W and sitaution might be different.

[Denver_2010]

I know you are right Denver... I do need to be patient and didnt bring it up last night.

I have been following your thread. I think about you and others all the time. Keep the faith!

This is such an odd position to be in. Our WAS has just as much to lose as we do. Even more because many regret their decisions...

I really feel that we need to get to a point of caring as little as them before they start to question their decisions.

I agree with you. I just feel that if I truly let myself get to the point of caring as little as WAW, there won't be anything left of M. Sure, at some point, she very well may regret her decisions and want to come back to M. But if I've allowed myself to forget my M vows and the love that I have for W, there won't be anything left to come back to. If I don't fight for M, no one will right now. I also realize that there was a time when W was the only one fighting for ours. I guess I feel that it is my turn.

Thanks for following my thread. I definitely welcome any thoughts or advice that you might have. This DBing stuff is easy in theory, but sometimes very hard to apply in the heat of the moment.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Denver.
I understand you are an attorney. I am as well. I'm from Colorado and my sister is also an attorney there. I just got my on motion admission approved for the Colorado Bar. I still have to get sworn in. Also, I know I'm damn lucky. I don't know if you know my whole situation, but at one point my W wanted a D or at the very least to move out for a bit. Those didn't happened and I am grateful for that.

Yes Harrier I am an attorney in Denver. I don't do divorce law though. Congrats on getting admitted to the Colorado bar! Maybe I will see you around sometime... who knows!

I really do find situations like your's inspirational. I do not know your whole story, maybe I will go back and read it. but my understanding is that your W never moved out right? Unfortunately, my M's situation got bad enough that W decided to move and built up the courage to actually pull the trigger. I really never thought that she would do it. I was idiot I guess. Also probably why I think that i went into actual physical shock when it happened. I was paralyzed with fear and shock for 3 weeks. It has been rough... still is.

[Harrier]

D-
I work for a small company as corp. counsel. I love it. I did some family law in my early days. I saw the effect of divorce and hated it.

No my wife didn't move out. At one point she really thought she wanted to but our finances wouldn't really support it at the time. Because of we both live about 2000 miles from our families neither of us really had a place to go except get a new apartment. She ultimately decided that it wouldn't be fair to our kids to have to shuttle them around and see us on a part-time basis. Although, I told here I supported the temp S, I was never really behind it. Eventually, she settled on separate rooms which worked out as intended. I don't know where I'd be if she moved out, honestly.

Just a few weeks ago she decided that we should sleep in the same room.

We had a huge discussion/fight last night though it gave me a lot to think about on my M, my W and the DB process. Honestly, my opinion of the DB process is coming out not so favorable. Take last night for example. The list posted here of things not to do is say I love you. So my wife says to me last night, "Just once I want to her you say you love me." I was so focused on trying to not expect anything from her to realize that maybe she needs to hear it.
I also think the process puts too much focus on yourself (which could lead to only thinking of yourself) and the whole idea of detachment is just odd. I don't want to be detached from my W. Because the moment that happens, I think it could be over. (I know it's not true detachment, but if really should be called something else as a lot of people are confused by this.)

I do think it is helpful in a lot of situations.

[habitacker]

Harrier, maybe the DB process you are using might not be right for your wife. Isn't that list for WAW's, Like not saying I love you. Maybe we need to look real hard to see if our wifes are WAW, or are coming out of the fog.

There needs to be a time when they are ready for progress for things to get better. Doesn't there? If my wife would want to hear, I love you, I would be telling her.

Not all things in DB is for a WAW. In fact, very little of it is because there isn't much you can do except focus on your self. We want there to be a time to focus on them. Maybe your time has come.

This isn't advice, it is just a thought. Maybe someone will comment on it.

[MrBond]

harrier,

The DB "list" isn't something that you never do. Just initially. If you see that your WAS is open to hearing ILY, then do it. If your W seems open to gifts, then you do it.

When a WAS FIRST walks out, they don't want the LBS to do anything for them. But when things get better, you start knocking things off that list. If they have a negative reaction to it, then you lay off again until you think it's okay to do it again.

[Harrier]

Habit.

Honestly, I never referred to my W (on here or even to myself) as a WAW. My wife never followed that pattern really and our situation isn't the classic WAW situation.

I think you are onto something though as I don't know where my situation fits exactly. Yes there are some traits of the WAW, but there are traits of working things out. At times my W is like your and just spends minimal time other times she is more loving.

A part of me feels like I really don't belong here because I see other people in worse situations than me, plus I feel like a jerk for disagreeing with the DB process, but am happy to use the forums.

You thoughts are very, very helpful.

[Harrier]

Thanks. Mr. Bond.

I'm just confused by the whole process really at times. It's really hard when your W is a Psychologist. She seems to be attune to the DB process so it's like she's throwing curve-balls.
I mean before I read the book, she told me exactly what she needed. It was funny because some of it was from the list.
She said I need space from you,
She said don't even think of sending me flowers, gifts or cards.
Don't talk about this with family/friends.
She liked it when I was happy.



Of course, she never gave me any of the speeches (ILYBNILWY, or we shouldn't have gotten married, etc. In fact she said a few times that she still loves me romantically and never tried to re-write the history of our marriage. In fact she often comments about how good it was.

So I guess I'm confused overall and my W is tricky.

[Sad_but_happy]

Question...

So things are going VERY well.... No LM yet but... Great communication, lots of texting, wine every night with fire, blah blah blah...

Last night instead of spooning she actually turned to me and we held each other until falling asleep... More progress...

She even surprised me with an overnight stay at a 4 star hotel next month (just the two of us, no kids)...

Again, No R talk of any kind...


So here is my mind going wild and me needing some opinions... As I see it there are two reasons for our progress getting better and better over the past 60 days:

1. Wife really wants to make this M work. Realizes that her place is with family and making every effort to re-connect and live happily ever after with our new changes.

OR, and here is my mind going wild...

2. Wife is continuing EA and is happy because of OM or she is feeling guilty and being nicer and nicer to me because of it (I have no proof of A, she is always where she says shes going to be, always home on time, cell records indicate no communication at all, nothing on computer, always at work, you get the point).


But it makes me wonder how often the WAS LOOKS to be committing to M just to carry on A. Does anyone have any insight?

I'm not panicking or upset... Just posing the question.

[MrBond]

IMO if your W was still engaged with the OM, she would have treated you with contempt. That seems to be how most WAWs react anyhow.
It looks like things are going positively. You have to find a way to keep the momentum going. It sounds like it's time for you to start leading rather than letting her lead you.