The issue of a EA vs a PA is a complicated one. The fact that she has feelings for another man is painful to accept. I am not sure what my reaction would have been had she told that it had progressed to a PA. There is alot of debate on whether an EA is the same as a PA. The only thing that I can say is that in both cases, the core trust of the marriage has been broken.
In my wife's case, she has decided to take concerns that she had about me to another man without ever having raised them directly with me. I admit, that I probably missed or ignored the hints and signs over the years, but I doubt that she took the same approach when discussing our personal lives with a co-worker.
Since I confronted her about the EA, I have been very supportive of her and have not changed any of my DBing behaviour. I continue to do all of those things that I neglected to do for so many years whether or not she accepts or acknowledges them.
Regarding the major purchase, for me it was why would you want to continue this charade, by talking about the future and planning for the future if in her mind the future isn't happening? If she truly does not want to stay married then lets get on with it. Its obviously not what I want, but to continue to live under these false pretenses is very challenging. I agree that it probably came across as a pressure tactic and that was not my intent. What I was trying to gauge was whether or not she is thinking of us having a future.
I also agree with you that I think she is still very much on the fence and is trying to continue down both paths until she finally makes up her mind. Although not great, it is still better then having her decide that the OM is the way to go.
I need to put aside my pride and anger and give her the time and space that she needs to sort this out.
